Who else but me would go to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) picnic, and then leave 20 minutes later because of an anxiety attack?
It does seem very ironic.
Maybe I could have stayed, and found someone to talk with about what was going on with me. In a way, I wish I would have done that. Maybe it would have helped. It would be nice to get over this someday.
It was especially discouraging since I hadn't had an anxiety attack in about 4 months. I really thought maybe I was attaining some sustained recovery around this. I have been going to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) Usually if I do some breathing, drink water, and do positive self-talk, I can get past the intense feelings of panic. But this time, all I wanted to do was get out right away. I thought someone was going to notice that I was starting to feel kind of disoriented & dizzy, and I thought I had a strange expression on my face. So I just left, and when I was about a half block away, I did start to feel better, although I felt disappointed.
I have a very hard time with large groups of people in an unstructured social environment. I feel like a complete dork in these situations. I go blank on how to act and what to say. I know it's not rational, but this is what happens for me. When I go back to therapy in September, I plan to see if we can set up some exposures of this type.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Things I Have Tried, Part III: Temp Work
There are some things that make temp jobs very appealing to me. After I took early retirement from the phone company, I worked at temp jobs for a while. It's not a perfect solution to my work-related fears and traumas, but it has some features that really work for me.
- Absence of office politics. As a temp, I felt pretty much exempt from the usual politics and pettiness found in offices. Many times, people wouldn't even know my name. I was "The Temp". I found that rather soothing.
- Short-term. You know it's not a life sentence. You will leave this place, probably sooner than later.
- Variety. There's built-in variety, going to all the different companies.
- Learning experiences. If you're a fast learner, like I am, then you'll be able to adapt to learning all the different systems and procedures at the various places where you temp.
- Easy work. Many assignments you receive as a temp are extremely easy. The stress level tends to be very low. If you can show up on time, do the work, and be at least minimally socially acceptable, then everyone will think you're a terrific Temp.
- Absence of office politics. As a temp, I felt pretty much exempt from the usual politics and pettiness found in offices. Many times, people wouldn't even know my name. I was "The Temp". I found that rather soothing.
- Short-term. You know it's not a life sentence. You will leave this place, probably sooner than later.
- Variety. There's built-in variety, going to all the different companies.
- Learning experiences. If you're a fast learner, like I am, then you'll be able to adapt to learning all the different systems and procedures at the various places where you temp.
- Easy work. Many assignments you receive as a temp are extremely easy. The stress level tends to be very low. If you can show up on time, do the work, and be at least minimally socially acceptable, then everyone will think you're a terrific Temp.
Things I Have Tried, Part II: College
When I was in my early twenties at the phone company, I noticed that the supervisors and managers seemed to be treated better than the "non-management" or "occupational" employees, as we were called. This was true even in the presence of a very strong Union.
The managers were treated like adults. They sometimes could even decide when to take a break, or when to go to lunch. They had their own desks, with a name plate. They got to travel to company meetings and stay in nice hotels. They were given the chance to make some decisions. Based on these observations, I decided that it would be worthwhile to try to make it into management.
At that time, I had been thinking about going back to college anyway, since it was interesting- I like studying, researching, writing papers, having meaningful discussions, and pretty much anything associated with a college environment.
At the phone company, not all the managers had college degrees, but most had some college, and it seemed to be a desired qualification. Almost all the people in middle or upper management had college degrees.
Plus, at that time, the company had a tuition assistance program for employees.
I enrolled at the local community college with the goal of an two year Associate Degree in Management. I achieved this goal four years later, working full time and going to school part time. I loved my classes. Today I can't even imagine having the energy to do that.
I made my supervisors aware that I was interested in management opportunities. I had some developmental assignments, and a couple years later, I was finally promoted into management. Later, at the age of 40, I completed my Bachelor's degree as well.
I could write a whole lot about my subsequent experiences. Here's the short version: I found out that first-level managers weren't treated all that fabulously, either. We weren't the ones making any major decisions. We still had to pretty much do what people higher than us told us to do. Plus, we had to work more hours, since we were salaried. It could be exhausting. My personal life suffered. I was being treated for depression the majority of the time.
On the plus side, I enjoyed the managerial work more than the work I performed as a clerical employee. It had some opportunity for problem solving and analysis. The pay was very good, as were the benefits.
It was going to be hard for me to change my life. Somewhere along the way, I lost my internal sense of self, or at least, I found it very hard to access the person I really was inside.
The managers were treated like adults. They sometimes could even decide when to take a break, or when to go to lunch. They had their own desks, with a name plate. They got to travel to company meetings and stay in nice hotels. They were given the chance to make some decisions. Based on these observations, I decided that it would be worthwhile to try to make it into management.
At that time, I had been thinking about going back to college anyway, since it was interesting- I like studying, researching, writing papers, having meaningful discussions, and pretty much anything associated with a college environment.
At the phone company, not all the managers had college degrees, but most had some college, and it seemed to be a desired qualification. Almost all the people in middle or upper management had college degrees.
Plus, at that time, the company had a tuition assistance program for employees.
I enrolled at the local community college with the goal of an two year Associate Degree in Management. I achieved this goal four years later, working full time and going to school part time. I loved my classes. Today I can't even imagine having the energy to do that.
I made my supervisors aware that I was interested in management opportunities. I had some developmental assignments, and a couple years later, I was finally promoted into management. Later, at the age of 40, I completed my Bachelor's degree as well.
I could write a whole lot about my subsequent experiences. Here's the short version: I found out that first-level managers weren't treated all that fabulously, either. We weren't the ones making any major decisions. We still had to pretty much do what people higher than us told us to do. Plus, we had to work more hours, since we were salaried. It could be exhausting. My personal life suffered. I was being treated for depression the majority of the time.
On the plus side, I enjoyed the managerial work more than the work I performed as a clerical employee. It had some opportunity for problem solving and analysis. The pay was very good, as were the benefits.
It was going to be hard for me to change my life. Somewhere along the way, I lost my internal sense of self, or at least, I found it very hard to access the person I really was inside.
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