I Think I'm A Weirdo

Part of the social phobia that is undoubtedly a big part of my ergophobia is based on my deeply held inner belief that I am in fact a complete and total weirdo.

I have had this belief for as long as I can remember.

I remember feeling like a weirdo when I was too young to know what a weirdo even was. I have an early memory of being about 3 or 4 and feeling socially clueless with the little girl next door who was the same age as me. I remember we were sitting on a picnic bench in her back yard, and she had these pink rubber hair curlers that she wanted to put in my hair, and I clearly remember feeling like I was weird because I had no idea why she would even want to do such a thing, and I figured since I didn't have a clue about that, well, I must be weird then. I probably didn't even have the words for all that yet, but I very distinctly remember the feeling.

I remember being in the first grade, and the boys would chase the girls around the playground. I wanted to chase the girls around too, so I did, and then I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. So I went and hid behind the stairs. I then hid behind the stairs on a regular basis, because it was easier than trying to figure out how to act around other kids.

All my life I have felt that:

- Other people were interested in things that were totally different from my own interests, and vice versa.
- Most everyone else knew the unwritten social rules, and I didn't.
- My opinions, thoughts, and viewpoints are way different from other people's.
- If I tell people what I really think or feel, they will think that I am strange, weird, odd, different, etc.
- I need to carefully scan the social environment at all times so that I can act in ways that will keep me relatively safe and free from embarrassment and harm.
- There is no place where I really belong. Not even the fringe groups, subcultures, out-groups, etc.

I'm not sure where these beliefs came from. My parents seemed to basically accept me and love me for who I am. I did have some difficulty navigating school, but then again, I felt like I was different before I even started school.

As I have grown older, I have tried to look for more commonality with others. I have also consciously tried to create safe spaces for myself. Creating safe spaces for myself is a strategy that can backfire, however, because sometimes it leads to avoidance of any environments that I remotely feel could be uncomfortable or potentially rejecting in any way.

Paradoxically enough, some of my close friends have co-signed my belief that I am indeed very weird. Personally, I've known a lot of weird in my life, and honestly, truly, I think I am really quite mediocre in the weird department. So there.

Anxiety Over Volunteering in an Office

I have been volunteering at an animal shelter for the past eight months, working directly with dogs. The shelter needed help in the office with data entry and telephone work, so I volunteered for this.

Now, keep in mind that I've been volunteering there for several months, and I walk past the office area every day that I'm there. It hadn't bothered me at all. I look forward to going to the shelter, and pretty much enjoy every minute I spend there. In fact, it's one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life.

The night before I was going to work in the office, I started feeling weird. I was thinking I wouldn't like it, and thinking that the people in the office probably wouldn't like me. I was worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to do the job anyway, and then maybe I wouldn't like volunteering at the shelter any more.

The next day, I woke up really early and paced around my house nervously. I was worried about every damn thing, whether my clothes were OK, whether I would be able to learn things and remember them, whether I would say the right things, etc., etc. I felt ridiculous about the silly things that I was obsessing about. I sure hoped nobody would notice how nervous I was.

Well, I've done this assignment twice now, for four hours at a stretch, and as far as I know, nothing went wrong. I even got complimented on my performance (I hate that word "performance" in relation to work. Maybe I should think of a different word.)

Yesterday at the shelter office, there a few things that gave me anxious feelings. First of all, the supervisor was wearing a suit to work that day. He usually doesn't, so perhaps he was going somewhere special that day. For all I know, it could have even been a funeral or something. Evidently business suits trigger anxiety in me.

Then, he wanted to introduce me to his boss, who works in a corner office. That made me feel ill at ease too. He seemed like a nice enough person.

This whole experience has made me very aware of my strong desire to be free from these specific types of anxiety, since they are obviously interfering with things I want to do.