Dealing With Difficult People

When I was at U. S. Worst Telecommunications, I attended a seminar by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner, Dealing With Difficult People. I just found a slideshow from this presentation-click on the previous link to go there.

Obviously I need to review this material!

Social Phobia, Anxiety, and Ergophobia

My therapist suggested that I set aside 15 minutes a day for worrying, and to postpone any potential worries until that scheduled worry time. Well, I wasn't able to do that today.

Today someone was rude to me at my volunteer job and it totally shot my day to hell. For the entire rest of the day, I was unable to relax or enjoy my usual activities. I spent most of my day wondering why I react this way, whether I will ever be able to comfortably interact in regular everyday social situations, whether maybe I really don't like most people after all and I should just go back to being a hermit, etc., etc. It's time for bed, and I'm still up feeling all agitated. My back muscles are so tight that even shifting positions in my chair hurts.

I am so tired of this. I realize that I am making progress: I go out in public, I volunteer, I go to support groups, I see friends occasionally. I'm able to drive across town. I even got a part-time temp job- finally- and I start tomorrow.  (I'll tell more about that sometime, maybe.) I'm just not making enough progress to achieve my idea of what a somewhat normal life would look like for me.

There were times in my life, maybe 15 or 20 years ago, when I could just think that people were bozos and then I could move on. Why can't I do that any more? It almost seems like I had a certain amount of capacity to deal with social unpleasantness, and I have exhausted the entire amount of capability I had- I exceeded my lifetime limit, and it's just plain gone. That's how it feels.

Today I was worrying about how I can ever hold a job successfully if I can't deal with other people evaluating me, or criticizing me, or saying anything that even remotely seems negative, or even looking at me the wrong way. I guess I'll just have to try.

Avoiding My Co-Workers

I often felt so uncomfortable interacting with co-workers that I devised all sorts of ways to avoid them.

One of my favorite methods of co-worker avoidance was to spend every single break and lunch hour studying. When anyone would ask me to lunch, I would always say I had to study for a test in accounting, statistics, economics or some other tough-sounding subject. This would usually elicit sympathy and a quick departure.

The fact that it took me over 15 years to graduate from college helped make this a very effective ruse indeed.

I also would make frequent lunch hour trips to libraries and bookstores to obtain "books I needed for classes."

I went on lots of exercise regimes that required me to be out walking during the lunch hour.

When I was in management positions, I simply worked through lunch most of the time.

During my last few years in the workforce, I finally figured out that it was helpful to have a few "safe" topics of general interest that would help me attempt to actually interact with people. Gardening, pets, kids and food (nothing too exotic) usually seemed to work pretty well. I was also mindful to steer clear of topics like beat poetry, philosophy, dumpster diving, politics, gay/lesbian issues- the kinds of things that really interest me-- I felt that I had to be self-censoring all the time to even be marginally accepted in the workplace. This level of alienation creates a constant feeling of anxiety and tension.

I Think I'm A Weirdo

Part of the social phobia that is undoubtedly a big part of my ergophobia is based on my deeply held inner belief that I am in fact a complete and total weirdo.

I have had this belief for as long as I can remember.

I remember feeling like a weirdo when I was too young to know what a weirdo even was. I have an early memory of being about 3 or 4 and feeling socially clueless with the little girl next door who was the same age as me. I remember we were sitting on a picnic bench in her back yard, and she had these pink rubber hair curlers that she wanted to put in my hair, and I clearly remember feeling like I was weird because I had no idea why she would even want to do such a thing, and I figured since I didn't have a clue about that, well, I must be weird then. I probably didn't even have the words for all that yet, but I very distinctly remember the feeling.

I remember being in the first grade, and the boys would chase the girls around the playground. I wanted to chase the girls around too, so I did, and then I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. So I went and hid behind the stairs. I then hid behind the stairs on a regular basis, because it was easier than trying to figure out how to act around other kids.

All my life I have felt that:

- Other people were interested in things that were totally different from my own interests, and vice versa.
- Most everyone else knew the unwritten social rules, and I didn't.
- My opinions, thoughts, and viewpoints are way different from other people's.
- If I tell people what I really think or feel, they will think that I am strange, weird, odd, different, etc.
- I need to carefully scan the social environment at all times so that I can act in ways that will keep me relatively safe and free from embarrassment and harm.
- There is no place where I really belong. Not even the fringe groups, subcultures, out-groups, etc.

I'm not sure where these beliefs came from. My parents seemed to basically accept me and love me for who I am. I did have some difficulty navigating school, but then again, I felt like I was different before I even started school.

As I have grown older, I have tried to look for more commonality with others. I have also consciously tried to create safe spaces for myself. Creating safe spaces for myself is a strategy that can backfire, however, because sometimes it leads to avoidance of any environments that I remotely feel could be uncomfortable or potentially rejecting in any way.

Paradoxically enough, some of my close friends have co-signed my belief that I am indeed very weird. Personally, I've known a lot of weird in my life, and honestly, truly, I think I am really quite mediocre in the weird department. So there.

There Might Be Some Jobs I Might Like

Recently I've been trying to open my mind to the fact that there could possibly be some forms of paid work in the world that would not make me sick. Right now I am at the point where I am willing to believe that such workplaces might exist.

I have not yet convinced myself of the likelihood of: 1) finding these places, and 2) becoming employed by these places. I'm going to work on that.

Part of this process is for me to clearly identify what doesn't work/what to avoid, and then to determine what types of work might be suitable.

I'd like to break this down by types of business or organization to which I am attracted (or at the very least, not averse), conditions that absolutely cannot exist in a prospective workplace, and envision what I would like to see. I'm going to brainstorm these lists right now:

Environments I Might Like

Arts and crafts related
Organic foods/gardening
College/University
Alternative health: naturopath, acupuncture, etc
Pet related: Doggie daycare, dog walking, pet supplies, etc.
Social services/nonprofits
Hippie shop
Bookstore
Antique store

Deal-breakers & Unacceptable (for me) Working Conditions

Lots of office politics
High stress environment
Fast pace/many deadlines/time pressures
Micromanagement/critical supervision
Pressure to perform
Inflexible procedures
Excessive performance evaluation
Excessive work load
Lack of control over work
Call centers
Corporate cubicle farms
Any company that exploits workers (here or overseas)
Adversarial employee/management relations
Hierarchical organization
Constant monitoring
Lack of ability to take restroom breaks as needed
Discriminatory environment (sexism, racism, homophobia & other forms)
Cliqueish co-workers
Jerks and Dumbasses (occasional Bozo or Doofus OK)

What I'd Like To See

Collaborative organizational style
Respect for all
Fun, happy environment
Creativity
People are allowed to make a mistake/perfection is not expected
Everyone is valued
Diverse people
Atmosphere of ongoing learning
Low pressure

I Liked Rehab Better Than My Job

Which would you prefer:

Going to your job every day for a month?
                or
Going to a locked ward for alcohol/drug rehab for a month?

When I was in my 20's, I preferred the drug/alcohol treatment center to my daily working life. Not just once, but twice. I was working in a call center back then. At the time, I believed that being stoned or high made me better at my job, or at least happier.

I remember how sad and worried I felt when it was time to graduate from treatment and return to my real life. I liked rehab. We got to get up every morning and have a great breakfast together. Then we'd have classes about drugs and alcohol and their effects, therapy groups where everyone told fascinating stories and said all kinds of insightful things about life, and individual counseling sessions. My counselor was this big biker guy from San Francisco who really understood how I felt about things.

We also got to play pool (I was a pretty good pool player at the time, since I spent a lot of time in bars that had pool tables), gin rummy, and poker. I found most of my treatment center buddies to be very entertaining, interesting people. In the evenings we'd make popcorn, and we'd make little hors d'oeuvres out of the individually wrapped bologna and processed cheese slices that were provided in the hallway pantry refrigerators. We had movies to watch, too, like "Rocky" and "Grease".

It was nice of (name of major telecommunications company) to send me there twice. I'm not so sure most companies would be that understanding today.

I had this dawning awareness that your life shouldn't be something you want to escape. If you feel you need to be drunk or high to get through your day, then there's a problem.

I'm still clean and sober today, which is a good thing for me and everyone around me. Ironically enough, I still don't have the job thing figured out yet. It's a puzzle I want to solve. It's a scary challenge I want to overcome.