Avoiding My Co-Workers

I often felt so uncomfortable interacting with co-workers that I devised all sorts of ways to avoid them.

One of my favorite methods of co-worker avoidance was to spend every single break and lunch hour studying. When anyone would ask me to lunch, I would always say I had to study for a test in accounting, statistics, economics or some other tough-sounding subject. This would usually elicit sympathy and a quick departure.

The fact that it took me over 15 years to graduate from college helped make this a very effective ruse indeed.

I also would make frequent lunch hour trips to libraries and bookstores to obtain "books I needed for classes."

I went on lots of exercise regimes that required me to be out walking during the lunch hour.

When I was in management positions, I simply worked through lunch most of the time.

During my last few years in the workforce, I finally figured out that it was helpful to have a few "safe" topics of general interest that would help me attempt to actually interact with people. Gardening, pets, kids and food (nothing too exotic) usually seemed to work pretty well. I was also mindful to steer clear of topics like beat poetry, philosophy, dumpster diving, politics, gay/lesbian issues- the kinds of things that really interest me-- I felt that I had to be self-censoring all the time to even be marginally accepted in the workplace. This level of alienation creates a constant feeling of anxiety and tension.

A Job Where I Could Have Blue Hair

My friend Jamie has beautiful purple hair. It's almost the color of my house, only with slightly more magenta tones.

One day I was talking with Jamie, and I mentioned that I had sometimes considered dyeing my hair a cobalt blue color, or adding a few blue streaks. So Jamie gave me some blue hair dye for my birthday. That was two years ago, and the unopened box awaits me on my bedroom shelf.

Now, it just so happens that the time that Jamie gave me the blue hair dye was right around the time I was starting to get freaked out over the state of my bank savings. And of course, the reason that I was freaked out about my bank savings is that I am afraid to get a Job.

My brain is telling me that "They" (whoever "They" are) might not hire me if I'm older, or fat, or gay, or "overqualified", and "They" definitely won't hire me if I have blue hair! Never mind the fact that I probably won't have the guts to show up at these places anyway, and maybe I wouldn't like Them if I did.

So here is the conclusion I've come to: if I am going to get a Job, it needs to be a job that passes the Blue Hair Test. It should be a place where I could have blue hair. Whether I have blue hair or not.

The color of my hair is not the main issue, but it is a symptom of the problem. I just want to be able to freely be myself, and quit repressing myself, and not care what other people think of me.