Collage of Fears

About a month ago I read a book entitled The PTSD Workbook. One of its suggestions was to make a collage depicting the things that you fear. I started collecting some of the pictures in a shoebox, but have not made a physical cut-and-paste type collage yet....so I'll do one here! I'll start it right now, and then come back and work on it more later.....

Mean Bosses

I just ran across an article from "Fast Company" suggesting that "Being A Meaner Boss Will Help Your Company--And Make Your Employees Happy". What kind of weirdo would think that?

Here's the link to this depressing article: http://www.fastcompany.com/1830539/why-being-a-meaner-boss-will-help-your-company-and-make-employees-happy?partner=gnews&google_editors_picks=true

There was part of it that rang true, and that was the research concluding that disagreeable people attained greater success in the workplace (success meaning mainly that they make more money- not my definition of success, but many people in our society equate money and material things with success.)

A Job Where I Could Have Blue Hair

My friend Jamie has beautiful purple hair. It's almost the color of my house, only with slightly more magenta tones.

One day I was talking with Jamie, and I mentioned that I had sometimes considered dyeing my hair a cobalt blue color, or adding a few blue streaks. So Jamie gave me some blue hair dye for my birthday. That was two years ago, and the unopened box awaits me on my bedroom shelf.

Now, it just so happens that the time that Jamie gave me the blue hair dye was right around the time I was starting to get freaked out over the state of my bank savings. And of course, the reason that I was freaked out about my bank savings is that I am afraid to get a Job.

My brain is telling me that "They" (whoever "They" are) might not hire me if I'm older, or fat, or gay, or "overqualified", and "They" definitely won't hire me if I have blue hair! Never mind the fact that I probably won't have the guts to show up at these places anyway, and maybe I wouldn't like Them if I did.

So here is the conclusion I've come to: if I am going to get a Job, it needs to be a job that passes the Blue Hair Test. It should be a place where I could have blue hair. Whether I have blue hair or not.

The color of my hair is not the main issue, but it is a symptom of the problem. I just want to be able to freely be myself, and quit repressing myself, and not care what other people think of me.

I Want to be Happy in the Morning

Sometimes I am, shall we say, less than perceptive about the manifestations of my anxiety and depression. Like, after I left my last real job eight years ago, my life got much better. I started volunteering at the Emergency Food Program. I turned their weedy yard into a highly productive vegetable garden full of lettuce, cilantro, collard greens, kale, tomatoes, beans, corns, and squash. I was having the time of my life.
My relationship was great, my home life was good, I felt excited about what I was doing.

But I would still have constant bad dreams about the workplaces where I had been so miserable. And I would still wake up every morning with a sense of dread and impending doom.

I kind of shrugged it off, saying I'm just not a morning person. True enough. I like to stay up till about midnight every night, and I pretty much always have.

It has finally dawned on me that I shouldn't be waking up every morning with a sense of imminent disaster. And I have just now realized that perhaps the reason I feel this way every single morning is that maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind I think I'm getting up to get ready to go to Work (capital W "Work", as in Job, as in Office, as in Corporation), not work in the garden, or work around the house, or work on an art project, or volunteering. Work, that bad place where I used to have to go. Even though I haven't been there in eight years now!

So this could be the reason that I am more likely to be deeply depressed first thing in the morning than at any other time of the day. It's because my conscious mind takes a while to catch up to the fact that I'm not going anywhere bad that day, not if I can help it anyway.

Ergophobia Defined

From Wikipedia:

Ergophobia also called Ergasiophobia, is an abnormal and persistent fear (or phobia) of work, finding work or functioning, ergophobia may also be a subset of either social phobia or performance anxiety. Sufferers of ergophobia experience undue anxiety about the workplace environment even though they realize their fear is irrational. Their fear may actually be a combination of fears, such fear of failing at assigned tasks, fear of speaking before groups at work (both of which are types of performance anxiety), or fear of socializing with co-workers (a type of social phobia).
"Ergophobia" is derived from the Greek "ergon" (work) and "phobos" (fear). "Ergo" is also used to form other English words, including "ergometer" (a device that measures the amount of work done by muscles) and "ergonomics" (an applied science that designs interfaces and working environments with the aim of maximizing functionality and improving worker comfort).

Source

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HR: Telling People That They're Out of a Job

I gravitated towards the "human" aspect of business: Human Resources, formerly known as Personnel. It seemed that people who worked in HR were helpful, kind souls who would help people decipher their company benefits, help them access training and education, and help them apply for jobs within the company. It seemed like a good direction for me.

Well, to my great dismay, my company then went into the downsizing mode, or as they euphemistically called it, "right-sizing". Getting rid of people. Getting rid of the "fat" and the "dead weight". "Doing more with less" was the motto.

My job turned into a nightmare of telling people they no longer had a job. I had to attempt to help people cope with overwhelming levels of fear and stress. Every day was another day of referring people to the EAP (Employee Assistance Plan), escorting people to the hospital emergency room, getting people into alcohol and drug treatment, calling security when someone was flipping out in the office, etc., etc. The fear and stress became a part of me.

We were told that we were expected to present the company changes and downsizing in a positive light. I couldn't really do that. That would have been a lie. I tried to subtly express with my facial expressions and my voice inflections that I thought it was a mess and an outrage. I believed that then, and I will believe that always.