Social Phobia, Anxiety, and Ergophobia

My therapist suggested that I set aside 15 minutes a day for worrying, and to postpone any potential worries until that scheduled worry time. Well, I wasn't able to do that today.

Today someone was rude to me at my volunteer job and it totally shot my day to hell. For the entire rest of the day, I was unable to relax or enjoy my usual activities. I spent most of my day wondering why I react this way, whether I will ever be able to comfortably interact in regular everyday social situations, whether maybe I really don't like most people after all and I should just go back to being a hermit, etc., etc. It's time for bed, and I'm still up feeling all agitated. My back muscles are so tight that even shifting positions in my chair hurts.

I am so tired of this. I realize that I am making progress: I go out in public, I volunteer, I go to support groups, I see friends occasionally. I'm able to drive across town. I even got a part-time temp job- finally- and I start tomorrow.  (I'll tell more about that sometime, maybe.) I'm just not making enough progress to achieve my idea of what a somewhat normal life would look like for me.

There were times in my life, maybe 15 or 20 years ago, when I could just think that people were bozos and then I could move on. Why can't I do that any more? It almost seems like I had a certain amount of capacity to deal with social unpleasantness, and I have exhausted the entire amount of capability I had- I exceeded my lifetime limit, and it's just plain gone. That's how it feels.

Today I was worrying about how I can ever hold a job successfully if I can't deal with other people evaluating me, or criticizing me, or saying anything that even remotely seems negative, or even looking at me the wrong way. I guess I'll just have to try.

Avoiding My Co-Workers

I often felt so uncomfortable interacting with co-workers that I devised all sorts of ways to avoid them.

One of my favorite methods of co-worker avoidance was to spend every single break and lunch hour studying. When anyone would ask me to lunch, I would always say I had to study for a test in accounting, statistics, economics or some other tough-sounding subject. This would usually elicit sympathy and a quick departure.

The fact that it took me over 15 years to graduate from college helped make this a very effective ruse indeed.

I also would make frequent lunch hour trips to libraries and bookstores to obtain "books I needed for classes."

I went on lots of exercise regimes that required me to be out walking during the lunch hour.

When I was in management positions, I simply worked through lunch most of the time.

During my last few years in the workforce, I finally figured out that it was helpful to have a few "safe" topics of general interest that would help me attempt to actually interact with people. Gardening, pets, kids and food (nothing too exotic) usually seemed to work pretty well. I was also mindful to steer clear of topics like beat poetry, philosophy, dumpster diving, politics, gay/lesbian issues- the kinds of things that really interest me-- I felt that I had to be self-censoring all the time to even be marginally accepted in the workplace. This level of alienation creates a constant feeling of anxiety and tension.

Herbal & Nutritional Supplements for Anxiety & Depression

I don't want to sound like a commercial, but I've found some herbal and nutritional supplements that are helping me with anxiety and depression.

First off, everything I've tried from the company WishGarden Herbs is fantastic. The stuff I use to help me relax for sleep is called Serious Relaxer. It has wood betony, valerian, hops, wild lettuce (a weed many of us have growing in our yards-aka lettuce opium-I saw some growing there today), and some other herbs. This stuff is amazing. It works for muscle stiffness as well as mental relaxation. I can't say enough for this product. The one I use in the daytime (2 or 3 droppers, twice a day) is called Emotional Ally. I've found it to be very effective. I also purchased the one called Deep Stress - the ingredients look very promising, so I'll soon find out how this one works for me also.

I take 8 fish oil capsules a day, which is reputed to aid with depression, although I started taking it for arthritis pain. It seems to be good for my hair and skin too.

Magnesium and calcium seem to be helping as well.

I take liquid B-12 when I need an energy boost.

My naturopath prescribed a supplement called Deproloft, an herbal/nutraceutical antidepressant. It's made by Thorne Research. It seems to be getting the job done during most of the day and evening. My worst symptoms happen when I first wake up, so recently I've tried to eat something right away, and then take the supplements ASAP. This morning I took the Emotional Ally liquid immediately upon awakening. The second most challenging time of the day is late evening, when I become something of an insomniac. That's when I do the Serious Relaxer.

I haven't had much luck with pharmaceutical antidepressants (most of them made me feel worse instead of better) and I am usually not particularly comfortable dealing with mainstream medicine, so I have gone the naturopathic route. I am fortunate to live near a major naturopathic college which offers excellent medical services at low fees.

I Want to be Happy in the Morning

Sometimes I am, shall we say, less than perceptive about the manifestations of my anxiety and depression. Like, after I left my last real job eight years ago, my life got much better. I started volunteering at the Emergency Food Program. I turned their weedy yard into a highly productive vegetable garden full of lettuce, cilantro, collard greens, kale, tomatoes, beans, corns, and squash. I was having the time of my life.
My relationship was great, my home life was good, I felt excited about what I was doing.

But I would still have constant bad dreams about the workplaces where I had been so miserable. And I would still wake up every morning with a sense of dread and impending doom.

I kind of shrugged it off, saying I'm just not a morning person. True enough. I like to stay up till about midnight every night, and I pretty much always have.

It has finally dawned on me that I shouldn't be waking up every morning with a sense of imminent disaster. And I have just now realized that perhaps the reason I feel this way every single morning is that maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind I think I'm getting up to get ready to go to Work (capital W "Work", as in Job, as in Office, as in Corporation), not work in the garden, or work around the house, or work on an art project, or volunteering. Work, that bad place where I used to have to go. Even though I haven't been there in eight years now!

So this could be the reason that I am more likely to be deeply depressed first thing in the morning than at any other time of the day. It's because my conscious mind takes a while to catch up to the fact that I'm not going anywhere bad that day, not if I can help it anyway.

Anxiety Over Volunteering in an Office

I have been volunteering at an animal shelter for the past eight months, working directly with dogs. The shelter needed help in the office with data entry and telephone work, so I volunteered for this.

Now, keep in mind that I've been volunteering there for several months, and I walk past the office area every day that I'm there. It hadn't bothered me at all. I look forward to going to the shelter, and pretty much enjoy every minute I spend there. In fact, it's one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life.

The night before I was going to work in the office, I started feeling weird. I was thinking I wouldn't like it, and thinking that the people in the office probably wouldn't like me. I was worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to do the job anyway, and then maybe I wouldn't like volunteering at the shelter any more.

The next day, I woke up really early and paced around my house nervously. I was worried about every damn thing, whether my clothes were OK, whether I would be able to learn things and remember them, whether I would say the right things, etc., etc. I felt ridiculous about the silly things that I was obsessing about. I sure hoped nobody would notice how nervous I was.

Well, I've done this assignment twice now, for four hours at a stretch, and as far as I know, nothing went wrong. I even got complimented on my performance (I hate that word "performance" in relation to work. Maybe I should think of a different word.)

Yesterday at the shelter office, there a few things that gave me anxious feelings. First of all, the supervisor was wearing a suit to work that day. He usually doesn't, so perhaps he was going somewhere special that day. For all I know, it could have even been a funeral or something. Evidently business suits trigger anxiety in me.

Then, he wanted to introduce me to his boss, who works in a corner office. That made me feel ill at ease too. He seemed like a nice enough person.

This whole experience has made me very aware of my strong desire to be free from these specific types of anxiety, since they are obviously interfering with things I want to do.

I Got Rid of Everything That Reminded Me of Jobs

I quit working for the hierarchical nonprofit corporation in 2004. I sold my house in a middle class neighborhood and bought a little tiny house with a huge yard on a blue-collar street full of potholes that looks like it should be out in the country somewhere. I wanted to be an urban farmer because vegetable gardening and chickens make me happy. I was going to have a new life.

I got rid of all my office clothes. I got rid of day planners and briefcases. I tossed all the "motivational" books like "Who Moved My Cheese?" I even divested myself of all the textbooks I studied while pursuing my BS in Management (the story of that degree is one I'll tell another time).

One time there was a guy fixing my washing machine, and he saw the world globe I had in the basement, and he commented that he wanted to get one for his kids. Naturally, since it had a little plaque affixed to it congratulating me on my 15 years of service, I was more than happy to let him take away that globe. I hope that he and his kids enjoyed it.

I had kept a huge cache of mementos from all my various work assignments, classes, seminars, and projects. One day I went through it all so I could recycle it. Some of it was rather poignant- there was a time that I worked in HR at that telecommunications company, and I was asked to give my analysis to upper management of what would help morale during all the massive downsizing, and I actually told them what I thought. None of my suggestions were implemented. I guess they went in the garbage, too.

For several years after that, I would get symptoms of anxiety when I saw objects that reminded me of offices: office-type desks, office chairs, calendars, planners, filing cabinets, etc. For some reason computers were exempt- maybe I had enough recreational associations with computers to make them seem benign or even friendly. I am just now getting to the point where that stuff doesn't bother me as much. I could probably go to a Staples or Office Depot store now. I'm pretty sure I could.