Don't Talk To Me

This classic song by GG Allin just cheered me up.

WHY Did I Want To Avoid Them (Co-workers)

I was just re-reading my post about co-worker avoidance, which caused me to pose an interesting question to myself: exactly why did I want to avoid these people? Also, I asked myself if the avoidance involved all people, or just some people.

I'll answer the second question first: The truth is that I only want to avoid some people, not all people. I think that was true ten years ago, or twenty years ago, as well as today. It's not based on shyness alone, although I am somewhat shy.

OK, then which people do I want to avoid, and why?

I want to avoid people who are trying to impress others with displays of social status or materialism. For example, when I worked in corporations, I frequently was around people who made a big deal out of shopping at expensive stores, eating at trendy high-priced restaurants, fancy overseas travel, and this sort of thing. Furthermore, I didn't get the sense that they deeply ENJOYED any of this on any real level, rather, they wanted to impress others with the prestige or status they felt was associated with these activities.

I am uncomfortable around the sort of women who perform stereotypical femininity to an extreme degree and assume that all female people aspire to the same. Likewise, I am uncomfortable around their macho-man counterparts.

I get completely lost and confused in the company of people who are immersed in mainstream pop culture. Usually I have NO idea about the TV shows, movies, and pop stars they are talking about.

I was never a particularly good corporate team player, and I didn't understand people who were. They reminded me of the people called "Soshes" in high school. I think they call them "Preps" now. While I cared about the work I performed, I didn't care for trying to promote my image in the workplace, competing with others, or networking for the sake of networking. I strongly dislike office politics.

Maybe it goes without saying (or maybe it doesn't), but I definitely don't want to be around sexists, racists, homophobes, or people who want to force their religion on everyone else. Nor do I seek the company of rude people, obnoxious people, arrogant jerks, and the like.

I actually enjoy being around people who are intelligent, thoughtful, and just plain nice!

Avoiding My Co-Workers

I often felt so uncomfortable interacting with co-workers that I devised all sorts of ways to avoid them.

One of my favorite methods of co-worker avoidance was to spend every single break and lunch hour studying. When anyone would ask me to lunch, I would always say I had to study for a test in accounting, statistics, economics or some other tough-sounding subject. This would usually elicit sympathy and a quick departure.

The fact that it took me over 15 years to graduate from college helped make this a very effective ruse indeed.

I also would make frequent lunch hour trips to libraries and bookstores to obtain "books I needed for classes."

I went on lots of exercise regimes that required me to be out walking during the lunch hour.

When I was in management positions, I simply worked through lunch most of the time.

During my last few years in the workforce, I finally figured out that it was helpful to have a few "safe" topics of general interest that would help me attempt to actually interact with people. Gardening, pets, kids and food (nothing too exotic) usually seemed to work pretty well. I was also mindful to steer clear of topics like beat poetry, philosophy, dumpster diving, politics, gay/lesbian issues- the kinds of things that really interest me-- I felt that I had to be self-censoring all the time to even be marginally accepted in the workplace. This level of alienation creates a constant feeling of anxiety and tension.

I Think I'm A Weirdo

Part of the social phobia that is undoubtedly a big part of my ergophobia is based on my deeply held inner belief that I am in fact a complete and total weirdo.

I have had this belief for as long as I can remember.

I remember feeling like a weirdo when I was too young to know what a weirdo even was. I have an early memory of being about 3 or 4 and feeling socially clueless with the little girl next door who was the same age as me. I remember we were sitting on a picnic bench in her back yard, and she had these pink rubber hair curlers that she wanted to put in my hair, and I clearly remember feeling like I was weird because I had no idea why she would even want to do such a thing, and I figured since I didn't have a clue about that, well, I must be weird then. I probably didn't even have the words for all that yet, but I very distinctly remember the feeling.

I remember being in the first grade, and the boys would chase the girls around the playground. I wanted to chase the girls around too, so I did, and then I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. So I went and hid behind the stairs. I then hid behind the stairs on a regular basis, because it was easier than trying to figure out how to act around other kids.

All my life I have felt that:

- Other people were interested in things that were totally different from my own interests, and vice versa.
- Most everyone else knew the unwritten social rules, and I didn't.
- My opinions, thoughts, and viewpoints are way different from other people's.
- If I tell people what I really think or feel, they will think that I am strange, weird, odd, different, etc.
- I need to carefully scan the social environment at all times so that I can act in ways that will keep me relatively safe and free from embarrassment and harm.
- There is no place where I really belong. Not even the fringe groups, subcultures, out-groups, etc.

I'm not sure where these beliefs came from. My parents seemed to basically accept me and love me for who I am. I did have some difficulty navigating school, but then again, I felt like I was different before I even started school.

As I have grown older, I have tried to look for more commonality with others. I have also consciously tried to create safe spaces for myself. Creating safe spaces for myself is a strategy that can backfire, however, because sometimes it leads to avoidance of any environments that I remotely feel could be uncomfortable or potentially rejecting in any way.

Paradoxically enough, some of my close friends have co-signed my belief that I am indeed very weird. Personally, I've known a lot of weird in my life, and honestly, truly, I think I am really quite mediocre in the weird department. So there.

I Miss My Old Friends

Over the course of the huge bummer that was my career, I met some people I really liked. It's too bad that I associate these people with jobs and work, because that means it's highly unlikely I will ever seek them out. I'm kind of shy and socially avoidant anyway, so seeking out anybody is kind of challenging, but if the people happen to be former co-workers, chances are it won't be happening. This makes me feel sad. Maybe someday.

One of my favorite co-workers committed suicide. He had a great sense of the absurd, and his outrageous sense of humor helped me get through my five years in one particular call center. He was a good friend, and we would commiserate about how much we couldn't stand all the shit we had to put up with around that place. When I was working in that call center, I hated it so much, that I often considered driving my car off this particular bend in the river, because I thought it would look like an accident. But I couldn't do that to my son, my parents, or the rest of my family and friends.

Sometimes I Google the names of some of my old co-workers. I wonder how they're doing and if they're happy. I remember the cool lady who bought old Barbie dolls at the Goodwill and turned them into Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, and Tina Turner. There was a gal who drove race cars who was absolutely brilliant and one of the most original people I ever met. There was the marketing guy who wanted to be an artist- he actually did this- he's down in Mexico painting & having a groovy life, and I know this from Google.

The yucky nonprofit I worked for was in a sick building. It was built over a parking garage, so all the carbon monoxide fumes would circulate in the air system. People would get mysterious illnesses and get sick and die. People had fibromyalgia, aches and pains, cancer, heart problems, and worsening of existing medical conditions. My supervisor there (the nice one) died. There were at least two cases of brain cancer, and at least two cases of lung cancer and breast cancer- several of these people were my friends. One was the Union steward who organized the Union there; she died of lung cancer and she had never even smoked. The Union was having the air tested because many people were growing concerned about the sick building syndrome there. I don't know what the final outcome of that was, because I left.