Work Fantasies

Most, if not all, of my work life has not been satisfying to me. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like/be like if that were different.

Sometimes I would have thoughts or fantasies about having a way to earn money that made me feel happy and good. These thoughts were usually accompanied by sad and wistful feelings, thinking that such a thing is not possible.

Often I would peruse school/university catalogs, thinking that maybe that would be the key or the ticket to happiness. I even got as far as applying to graduate school in Social Work. I was 41 years old at the time, and I had recently graduated from college. The hardest part was asking people for references. One of my references (former co-worker) never sent in her reference letter, which probably hurt my application, because it put me under the minimum number of references required. In any case, I wasn't accepted into graduate school, and I didn't try again.

Note: My problem is not necessarily lack of education, skills, or training. I have these, even if they are not in the areas where I might have been happier. My problem is more my inability to network, make social connections, promote & market myself, etc.

Another fantasy was careers in the arts or writing. Over the years I had written short stories, essays, and poetry, and occasionally would have them published. Usually the payment for this was a free copy of the literary magazine.

Later, when I had retired, I thought it would be fun to paint and do crafts. I have a fair amount of talent in this area- a good sense of color and design, and the ability to do innovative work. My old house was a big art installation. I had painted the walls in all different bright and unusual colors, and decorated the doors and cabinets with original paintings. I made floorcloths, baskets, fiber arts, jewelry, painted handbags, tie-dyes and other handmade things, and sold some of them.

Interestingly, the art-making started to feel like WORK. Then, I found I didn't enjoy it as much.

Here are some of my other work fantasies. Most are outside mainstream society. Mainstream society has not been a good fit for me.

- Tattoo Artist. I researched this about 25 years ago. You had to be someone's apprentice. I was too shy to ask anybody. Too bad- this field really skyrocketed, and I probably would have been pretty good at it.

- Organic Farmer/Herbalist. I've done this on a small scale, and I really enjoy this. My specialty is permaculture, although I don't have the fancy certifications that people were selling.

- Working in a Hippie Shop. This wouldn't pay well, but I would get to be in an environment that didn't suck. It would be aesthetically pleasing, and the music is nice, especially if it's Grateful Dead music.

- Bookstore Clerk, small independent low-to medium volume bookstore. I can picture myself doing that.

- Artsy Boutique Shop Clerk. (Kind of like Hippie Shop Clerk or Bookstore Clerk.)

- Hoodoo Rootworker/Psychic Reader & related gigs. I'm intuitive, and I'd be good at this. I have a fair amount of arcane knowledge.

- Aquatic Coach for Dogs. This is my current favorite job fantasy: to get paid to play with dogs in the water.

Conflict at Work Freaks Me Out

My little temp job is pretty mellow most of the time. However, today I was reminded of how badly I am affected by even being in the vicinity of any interpersonal conflict.

I just happened to overhear two people having a somewhat tense conversation about something they didn't quite agree on. Although their conversation had absolutely nothing to do with me personally, it immediately caused me to feel very tense, anxious, and uncertain about the safety of my environment.

There is probably a way for me to overcome this type of reaction; however, I am not sure how to do so yet.

Wikipedia Article: Workplace Phobia

Wikipedia has an excellent article on Workplace Phobia. I could definitely relate to many of the examples given, such as:

- Avoidance behaviors develop.
- Avoidance can actually make the fear and anxiety more chronic (I stayed "retired" for several years because I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to a dysfunctional work environment.)
- I would avoid the areas of town associated with former workplaces. During Cognitive Behavior Therapy this year, I was finally able to stand across the street from a building where I used to work.
- Situational factors such as traumatic events in the workplace can precipitate workplace phobia (I had a number of events that fall into this category, including witnessing workplace violence, and the deaths of friends whom I worked with, including the suicide of a close co-worker.)
- Existing mental health concerns can morph into workplace phobia.
- Workplace phobia can result in early retirement. (That would be me, too!)

This article is one of the better ones I've seen on this subject.