I quit my job on October 23, 2013. I had spent three weeks in an outpatient psych ward due to a mental breakdown/severe depressive episode. Since it was clear to me that my job was endangering my mental (and physical) health, I quit. Without going into detail, I'll say that the office politics were completely demoralizing, and the office atmosphere, as well as the excessive workload, made life intolerable for me.
I'm going to relax and take care of my health for a while, and concentrate on recovering my mental and physical health.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Job Inside My Brain
My bad job has wormed itself into my brain like a self-replicating virus. I dream of bad jobs. I wake up with feelings of self-recrimination and failure. I ruminate endlessly over what I have done wrong in my life to be doomed to suffer bad jobs. Over and over I tell my partner about my bad job, what am I going to do about this job, should I quit this job, would I be able to get another job, is it OK to spend all my savings, should we sell the house, job, job, my job sucks, I hate my job, all right- I won't talk about my job anymore, it's a distasteful subject! Failed career, gonna be old and broke, destitution, disease, death....Where is the drug to vanquish the job virus in my brain and let me rest?
Don't think about jobs. Think about anything else besides the job. I will only allow myself to think about it when I'm actually there. So far this hasn't worked.
Here are things I can think about instead of thinking about my job: The Grateful Dead, Grumpy Cat, Pitbull Sharky, Angry Birds, Popword, popcorn, vegetable gardens, pomegranates, incense, peppermints....caledonia mahogany's elbows.....art cars, dogs, cats, chickens, Andy Warhol, space aliens, ghosts, UFOs, Roky Erickson and the 13th Floor Elevators, chai tea, breve latte with whipped cream, velvet paintings, Voodoo Donuts, the Church of Elvis.....anything, anything else!!
Don't think about jobs. Think about anything else besides the job. I will only allow myself to think about it when I'm actually there. So far this hasn't worked.
Here are things I can think about instead of thinking about my job: The Grateful Dead, Grumpy Cat, Pitbull Sharky, Angry Birds, Popword, popcorn, vegetable gardens, pomegranates, incense, peppermints....caledonia mahogany's elbows.....art cars, dogs, cats, chickens, Andy Warhol, space aliens, ghosts, UFOs, Roky Erickson and the 13th Floor Elevators, chai tea, breve latte with whipped cream, velvet paintings, Voodoo Donuts, the Church of Elvis.....anything, anything else!!
"You're lucky to have a job at all, any job..."
Since we live in a society where securing a livelihood is a crap shoot, we often hear the comment "You're lucky to have a job at all, any job..." This is a sad commentary.
Even wild animals have food, shelter, and the companionship of other animals of their species. Yet in our supposedly evolved human society, it's considered to be some sort of privilege to have shelter, food, and the basic necessities of life.
I wonder why we, as a culture, haven't come up with a better system of matching people who are willing to work with tasks that need to be accomplished. Surely there are enough tasks that need to be done. Perhaps if we focused more on human needs (including self-actualization, artistic expression, love, spirituality, and other human experiences) and had less striving for profit and less greed, this could happen.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Panic Attack
Today I was at work and was subjected to having to witness loud, aggressive, obnoxious verbal abuse directed at one of my co-workers. I became distraught, got up, walked into my boss' office, told him what was happening, suggested he go hear it for himself, and advised him I needed to leave and go take a walk. I went to a nearby cafe to pick up some food. About twenty minutes later I went back to my office and had a full-blown panic attack. I really hate stuff like this. I just want to retire again and live in peace.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Here's To You, Charles Bukowski
Charles Bukowski escaped the working world in 1969 at the age of 49. The publisher of Black Sparrow Press, John Martin, offered Bukowski $100 a month for the rest of his life if he would quit his job at the Post Office and become a writer.
Fifteen years later, "Hank" Bukowski wrote John Martin a heartfelt letter of gratitude. Here are some excerpts from his letter:
"And what hurts is the steadily diminishing humanity of those fighting to hold jobs they don't want but fear the alternative worse. People simply empty out. They are bodies with fearful and obedient minds. The color leaves the eye. The voice becomes ugly. And the body. The hair. The fingernails. The shoes. Everything does.
As a young man I could not believe that people could give their lives over to those conditions. As an old man, I still can't believe it. What do they do it for? Sex? TV? An automobile on monthly payments? Or children? Children who are just going to do the same things that they did?"
"So, the luck I finally had in getting out of those places, no matter how long it took, has given me a kind of joy, the jolly joy of the miracle. I now write from an old mind and an old body, long beyond the time when most men would ever think of continuing such a thing, but since I started so late I owe it to myself to continue, and when the words begin to falter and I must be helped up stairways and I can no longer tell a bluebird from a paperclip, I still feel that something in me is going to remember (no matter how far I'm gone) how I've come through the murder and the mess and the moil, to at least a generous way to die.
To not to have entirely wasted one's life seems to be a worthy accomplishment, if only for myself.
yr boy,
Hank"
Cold Turkey
When I worked at US Worst in Seattle, I'd get stuck in traffic on the bridge over Lake Washington. It was rainy and dismal, and I had just had a terrible day at my horrible job. People might think that a job that pays 50 grand a year isn't horrible-after all it pays 50 grand a year- but they're wrong. It made me want to drive my car right off the bridge.
When I have a bad job, I can't get my mind off the bad job. I can't shut it off when I leave the building. It haunts me like a curse. I quit drugs and drinking but I totally understand why I used to do that stuff. Sometimes you have just got to shut off your head.
I would play this tape on my car radio over and over while I sat on the bridge in the rain. Thank you, John Lennon.
When I have a bad job, I can't get my mind off the bad job. I can't shut it off when I leave the building. It haunts me like a curse. I quit drugs and drinking but I totally understand why I used to do that stuff. Sometimes you have just got to shut off your head.
I would play this tape on my car radio over and over while I sat on the bridge in the rain. Thank you, John Lennon.
What Causes Success?
I wonder why some people who are intelligent, talented, capable, and possess a good set of skills become successful, and others who are equally intelligent, talented, capable and skilled do not become successful.
Some thoughts off the top of my head:
- Social skills
- Being well connected, networking effectively
- Being able to market yourself
- Being from an advantaged socioeconomic class, race, gender: relative privilege in society
- Becoming successful at a young age and progressing from there, building on that
- Putting yourself first, not sacrificing your own ambitions for the sake of others
- Supportive environment
- Working in an area where you're especially passionate and talented
- Having an existing market for what you have to offer
When I think of more possible reasons, I'll add them to the list.
Some thoughts off the top of my head:
- Social skills
- Being well connected, networking effectively
- Being able to market yourself
- Being from an advantaged socioeconomic class, race, gender: relative privilege in society
- Becoming successful at a young age and progressing from there, building on that
- Putting yourself first, not sacrificing your own ambitions for the sake of others
- Supportive environment
- Working in an area where you're especially passionate and talented
- Having an existing market for what you have to offer
When I think of more possible reasons, I'll add them to the list.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
"Don't Talk To Me About Work"
Here's an inspirational song by the incomparable Lou Reed. It's called "Don't Talk To Me About Work."
"How many insults do I gotta take in this one life?" - Lou Reed
"How many insults do I gotta take in this one life?" - Lou Reed
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Underemployment
The term "underemployment" describes the situation in which a person is working at a job requiring lower skills or credentials than they possess, or is working fewer hours than they need or desire.
I wonder how many people of ergophobic histories, if able to work, are working in jobs below their capacities. I would suspect that this is often the case. It has been true for me.
Of course, in an economic climate of high unemployment, many people consider themselves fortunate to have any job at all.
There is a widely-held belief that people with mental health concerns are better off working in less demanding jobs. The idea is that these jobs are less stressful. While this may sometimes be the case, I think that sometimes there is actually more stress in working at a job below one's capabilities. This stress comes in the form of boredom, physical or mental fatigue caused by repetitive tasks, lowered self-esteem, coping with problems associated with lower socioeconomic status, and other difficulties associated with low-paying or low-status jobs.
Here are links to articles on underemployment. These articles may or may not address the relationship of underemployment to work satisfaction or ergophobia.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Do You Have a Job That You Like?
If there is anyone out there that has a job that they like, I want to hear from you!
What is your job, how did you happen to choose this type of work, and what is your work life like?
What is your job, how did you happen to choose this type of work, and what is your work life like?
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I'm Going to an Assertiveness Workshop Tomorrow
Voc Rehab has kindly paid for me to go to an Assertiveness Workshop tomorrow. I need this badly. I hope it helps me.
I need to be more assertive around the dumbasses, doofuses, and bozos of the world. And everybody else, too.
I need to be more assertive around the dumbasses, doofuses, and bozos of the world. And everybody else, too.
I Still Have Ergophobia & It's Delusional
Although I'm working now (up to 30 hours a week), I still have a wide range of ergophobic symptoms that plague me on a pretty much daily basis.
I used to think that it was mainly people with psychotic disorders that were delusional. Well, I have found that I can sometimes be delusional in various states of depression, anxiety, and phobias.
It's probably a delusion that people don't like me.
It's probably a delusion that I'm not particularly good at my job.
It's probably a delusion that everyone can tell when I'm feeling depressed or anxious.
It's probably a delusion that people are deliberately saying things to hurt my feelings.
It's probably a delusion when I tell myself I'm lucky that anyone would even hire me at all.
I used to think that it was mainly people with psychotic disorders that were delusional. Well, I have found that I can sometimes be delusional in various states of depression, anxiety, and phobias.
It's probably a delusion that people don't like me.
It's probably a delusion that I'm not particularly good at my job.
It's probably a delusion that everyone can tell when I'm feeling depressed or anxious.
It's probably a delusion that people are deliberately saying things to hurt my feelings.
It's probably a delusion when I tell myself I'm lucky that anyone would even hire me at all.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Your Job is Not Who You Are
A big problem in our society is the erroneous belief that your paid employment somehow defines who you are.
I think many of us buy into this myth, on a conscious or subconscious level, whether we want to or not.
It is hard for many of us to obtain paid employment that reflects who we are inside. Some of us settle for any job, just to survive. Some of us settle for jobs that partially reflect our interests, or partially use our skills and abilities, because that's as close as we could get to what we wanted. There are a lucky few who feel completely at home in their work. I always longed for that feeling. Mostly I only found it outside of paid employment.
In a bad economy, the problems of job mismatch, underemployment, being "overqualified" and work alienation affect vast numbers of people.
One of the factors contributing to ergophobia is the sense of being in the wrong job, and feeling that this makes our life somehow "wrong," and that we are therefore inadequate.
When I find myself feeling that way, I need to remind myself that there is more to me than what I am doing for a living at any given time. My job is not who I am.
"You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
-Tyler Durden in the movie "Fight Club"
I think many of us buy into this myth, on a conscious or subconscious level, whether we want to or not.
It is hard for many of us to obtain paid employment that reflects who we are inside. Some of us settle for any job, just to survive. Some of us settle for jobs that partially reflect our interests, or partially use our skills and abilities, because that's as close as we could get to what we wanted. There are a lucky few who feel completely at home in their work. I always longed for that feeling. Mostly I only found it outside of paid employment.
In a bad economy, the problems of job mismatch, underemployment, being "overqualified" and work alienation affect vast numbers of people.
One of the factors contributing to ergophobia is the sense of being in the wrong job, and feeling that this makes our life somehow "wrong," and that we are therefore inadequate.
When I find myself feeling that way, I need to remind myself that there is more to me than what I am doing for a living at any given time. My job is not who I am.
"You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
-Tyler Durden in the movie "Fight Club"
Fear of Loss of Self in Work
One of my recurring fears relating to work is being afraid that jobs will cause me to lose my self. Let me try to explain.
What this looks like for me: When I spend a fair amount of effort in any kind of repetitive work-like tasks, such as data entry, accounting, database searches, etc., I often feel that my own thoughts are vanquished, and somehow my self, or my me-ness, or identity, is lost.
I then feel like I don't exist during those periods.
I have a hard time returning to my own thoughts and sense of existence and identity after prolonged periods of external work, particularly if the tasks aren't intrinsically interesting to me. I go blank and feel mentally drained, sometimes physically drained also.
It can feel like losing my life a little at a time. Depression feels similarly to me. There's a sense of mental blankness and feeling less than fully alive. I feel like I am "not present."
I don't understand why this happens. Nor have I heard other people describe feeling this way about their jobs.
It's been happening to me again lately, now that I'm working. The more I work, the more I have these detached feelings of unreality. It's a very weird feeling and it's not one I feel I can fully describe or understand. Perhaps I will tell a therapist about this, or try to research what the hell this is.
What this looks like for me: When I spend a fair amount of effort in any kind of repetitive work-like tasks, such as data entry, accounting, database searches, etc., I often feel that my own thoughts are vanquished, and somehow my self, or my me-ness, or identity, is lost.
I then feel like I don't exist during those periods.
I have a hard time returning to my own thoughts and sense of existence and identity after prolonged periods of external work, particularly if the tasks aren't intrinsically interesting to me. I go blank and feel mentally drained, sometimes physically drained also.
It can feel like losing my life a little at a time. Depression feels similarly to me. There's a sense of mental blankness and feeling less than fully alive. I feel like I am "not present."
I don't understand why this happens. Nor have I heard other people describe feeling this way about their jobs.
It's been happening to me again lately, now that I'm working. The more I work, the more I have these detached feelings of unreality. It's a very weird feeling and it's not one I feel I can fully describe or understand. Perhaps I will tell a therapist about this, or try to research what the hell this is.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I Had an Automatic Positive Thought
In cognitive behavioral therapy, I learned about "Automatic Negative Thoughts" or "ANTs", as in "get rid of the ANTs." Examples of Automatic Negative Thoughts would be "If I go to the party, no one will talk to me, and I'll just want to leave," "No one will want to hire me," etc.
Well, the other day I was on the Internet, and came across some article saying that unemployed people over 50 are unemployable. And, guess what? I immediately thought that was bullshit. (After all, I'm over 50, and I got a job this year.)
I had an Automatic Positive Thought! How cool is that?
Well, the other day I was on the Internet, and came across some article saying that unemployed people over 50 are unemployable. And, guess what? I immediately thought that was bullshit. (After all, I'm over 50, and I got a job this year.)
I had an Automatic Positive Thought! How cool is that?
Monday, January 14, 2013
Fear of Being Evaluated
One of the major contributing factors to my ergophobia is my fear of being evaluated or judged. This includes not only performance evaluations and testing situations, but virtually any situation in which I feel that another person is assessing me in any way.
I feel very self-conscious when I perceive this to be happening. It also worries me. I often think the other person might have inaccurate ideas about me. Sometimes I also am concerned about the other person's accurate perceptions about me: that there may be things about me that could result in their poor treatment of me.
Sometimes I have a strong desire to just disappear or become invisible.
I feel very self-conscious when I perceive this to be happening. It also worries me. I often think the other person might have inaccurate ideas about me. Sometimes I also am concerned about the other person's accurate perceptions about me: that there may be things about me that could result in their poor treatment of me.
Sometimes I have a strong desire to just disappear or become invisible.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Dumb Interview/Screening Questions
Tonight I decided to take a look at some job ads on Craigslist just to see what might be out there. In a job for a cleaning company, the hiring manager requested that applicants send an email with answers to several questions.
The question that made me laugh out loud was, "What does a sense of urgency mean to you?"
To me, it means I need to find the bathroom fast!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
"Office jobs are......"
It's fun to play with Google. I sometimes enjoy entering random phrases or strings of words, just to see what comes up. Google is my oracle (oracle as in fortune teller- Oracle of Delphi- not the software company.)
A few minutes ago, I entered "office jobs are" into Google.
Google immediately translated this into the following suggestions:
office jobs are boring
office jobs are depressing
office jobs are terrible
office jobs are so boring
The first entries below these suggestions are:
Weird...these are pretty much my thoughts on the subject. But does it have to be that way? I really think it doesn't. I think this should change.
A few minutes ago, I entered "office jobs are" into Google.
Google immediately translated this into the following suggestions:
office jobs are boring
office jobs are depressing
office jobs are terrible
office jobs are so boring
The first entries below these suggestions are:
How can people with boring office jobs enjoy them so much? - Yahoo ...
answers.yahoo.com › All Categories › Arts & Humanities › PhilosophyCached
10 answers - Aug 6, 2011
Top answer: Bahaha vanilla, sure. Because an office job is so hard to get. I think the reason is that these people aren't especially intelligent. They're not talented ...
Is office work always boring or not? - 2 answers - Jun 3, 2009Can anyone tell me some boring office jobs? - 2 answers - Jan 8, 2009At 9-5 boring office jobs, is it easy to slack off ? - 6 answers - Nov 9, 2008Why are office jobs so boring? - 6 answers - Jul 30, 2006
Get more discussion results
Anyone else work a boring, dull office job? - Ultimate Metal Forum
www.ultimatemetal.com › ... › Heavy Metal Forums › Andy Sneap › BarCached
40 posts - 14 authors - Jun 17, 2009
I do, and I feel like laying my head down and sleeping at the moment. The boredom and general stir-craziness that consume me on a daily ...Get more discussion results
Weird...these are pretty much my thoughts on the subject. But does it have to be that way? I really think it doesn't. I think this should change.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
"She Probably Thinks I'm a Dumb Clerical Person"
As I've mentioned previously, I managed to get a part-time job. For the most part, this is a good thing. Does this mean I'm not ergophobic any more? Definitely not!
In cognitive behavioral therapy, I have learned to watch for negative thoughts, especially negative self talk. When I find that I am engaging in negative self talk, I try to redirect my thoughts to a more positive outlook.
For example, I was thinking about a new co-worker, and I thought, "She probably thinks I'm a dumb clerical person." Do I have any real evidence of this? No, I don't. If she's not seeking me out, maybe she's busy, or perhaps she's shy herself.
In cognitive behavioral therapy, I have learned to watch for negative thoughts, especially negative self talk. When I find that I am engaging in negative self talk, I try to redirect my thoughts to a more positive outlook.
For example, I was thinking about a new co-worker, and I thought, "She probably thinks I'm a dumb clerical person." Do I have any real evidence of this? No, I don't. If she's not seeking me out, maybe she's busy, or perhaps she's shy herself.
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