It’s True, Your Boss Can Give You PTSD

Here's an article from the Workplace Bullying Institute that originally appeared in Huffington Post UK.

Workplace Bullying, Abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, It’s True, Your Boss Can Give You PTSD

Ergophobia, PTSD, and Memory Loss

Some counselors have observed that I might have a form of workplace PTSD. I have witnessed violence and threats of violence in the workplace. However traumatic that may have been, I feel more traumatized by the day-to-day experiences of office work: office politics, lack of freedom, lack of opportunities for growth and self-expression, rude co-workers, demeaning bosses, deadening boredom, and the like.

I had a startling experience today. At a medical appointment for a routine procedure, the nurse recognized me. It turned out she had worked for me when I was a call center supervisor, which was about 17 years ago. She remembered my son, how old he was, and other details.

I did not remember her at all.

I looked at her name tag and that didn't even help. I didn't tell her that I had absolutely no memory of her whatsoever. That would have seemed rude. So, I just smiled and made conversation.

Leaving the medical office, I felt totally shocked. Why have I lost these memories? Is this normal in any way? Worries about early-onset dementia crossed my mind.

I believe this is a symptom of my workplace phobia and a form of PTSD.

I think it would be to my advantage to find a therapist who can help with this specific type of problem.

Thinking About Going Back to Therapy

This week I've been realizing that I really could use some decent one-on-one counseling therapy. I have Kaiser insurance & they shunt people off into group therapy. If I hadn't gotten bad enough to need day hospitalization, I wouldn't have gotten much help from Kaiser at all other than medication. I go to a weekly IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) follow-up group where we mainly learn relaxation and stress reduction techniques. It's not bad- I do find it helpful- but it's not addressing some of my deeper issues that just won't go away. So, I'm going to contact Kaiser to see if any actual therapy is in fact available on anything resembling a regular basis, and if it isn't, I'll find it somewhere else at one of those places with a sliding scale payment policy

Hallelujah, I'm A Bum

I quit my job on October 23, 2013. I had spent three weeks in an outpatient psych ward due to a mental breakdown/severe depressive episode. Since it was clear to me that my job was endangering my mental (and physical) health, I quit. Without going into detail, I'll say that the office politics were completely demoralizing, and the office atmosphere, as well as the excessive workload, made life intolerable for me.

I'm going to relax and take care of my health for a while, and concentrate on recovering my mental and physical health.

Job Inside My Brain

My bad job has wormed itself into my brain like a self-replicating virus. I dream of bad jobs. I wake up with feelings of self-recrimination and failure.  I ruminate endlessly over what I have done wrong in my life to be doomed to suffer bad jobs. Over and over I tell my partner about my bad job, what am I going to do about this job, should I quit this job, would I be able to get another job, is it OK to spend all my savings, should we sell the house, job, job, my job sucks, I hate my job, all right- I won't talk about my job anymore, it's a distasteful subject! Failed career, gonna be old and broke, destitution, disease, death....Where is the drug to vanquish the job virus in my brain and let me rest?

Don't think about jobs. Think about anything else besides the job. I will only allow myself to think about it when I'm actually there. So far this hasn't worked.

Here are things I can think about instead of thinking about my job: The Grateful Dead, Grumpy Cat, Pitbull Sharky, Angry Birds, Popword, popcorn, vegetable gardens, pomegranates, incense, peppermints....caledonia mahogany's elbows.....art cars, dogs, cats, chickens, Andy Warhol, space aliens, ghosts, UFOs, Roky Erickson and the 13th Floor Elevators, chai tea, breve latte with whipped cream, velvet paintings, Voodoo Donuts, the Church of Elvis.....anything, anything else!!

"You're lucky to have a job at all, any job..."

Since we live in a society where securing a livelihood is a crap shoot, we often hear the comment "You're lucky to have a job at all, any job..." This is a sad commentary.

Even wild animals have food, shelter, and the companionship of other animals of their species. Yet in our supposedly evolved human society, it's considered to be some sort of privilege to have shelter, food, and the basic necessities of life.

I wonder why we, as a culture, haven't come up with a better system of matching people who are willing to work with tasks that need to be accomplished. Surely there are enough tasks that need to be done. Perhaps if we focused more on human needs  (including self-actualization, artistic expression, love, spirituality, and other human experiences) and had less striving for profit and less greed, this could happen.

Panic Attack

Today I was at work and was subjected to having to witness loud, aggressive, obnoxious verbal abuse directed at one of my co-workers. I became distraught, got up, walked into my boss' office, told him what was happening, suggested he go hear it for himself, and advised him I needed to leave and go take a walk. I went to a nearby cafe to pick up some food. About twenty minutes later I went back to my office and had a full-blown panic attack. I really hate stuff like this. I just want to retire again and live in peace.