I Think I'm A Weirdo

Part of the social phobia that is undoubtedly a big part of my ergophobia is based on my deeply held inner belief that I am in fact a complete and total weirdo.

I have had this belief for as long as I can remember.

I remember feeling like a weirdo when I was too young to know what a weirdo even was. I have an early memory of being about 3 or 4 and feeling socially clueless with the little girl next door who was the same age as me. I remember we were sitting on a picnic bench in her back yard, and she had these pink rubber hair curlers that she wanted to put in my hair, and I clearly remember feeling like I was weird because I had no idea why she would even want to do such a thing, and I figured since I didn't have a clue about that, well, I must be weird then. I probably didn't even have the words for all that yet, but I very distinctly remember the feeling.

I remember being in the first grade, and the boys would chase the girls around the playground. I wanted to chase the girls around too, so I did, and then I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. So I went and hid behind the stairs. I then hid behind the stairs on a regular basis, because it was easier than trying to figure out how to act around other kids.

All my life I have felt that:

- Other people were interested in things that were totally different from my own interests, and vice versa.
- Most everyone else knew the unwritten social rules, and I didn't.
- My opinions, thoughts, and viewpoints are way different from other people's.
- If I tell people what I really think or feel, they will think that I am strange, weird, odd, different, etc.
- I need to carefully scan the social environment at all times so that I can act in ways that will keep me relatively safe and free from embarrassment and harm.
- There is no place where I really belong. Not even the fringe groups, subcultures, out-groups, etc.

I'm not sure where these beliefs came from. My parents seemed to basically accept me and love me for who I am. I did have some difficulty navigating school, but then again, I felt like I was different before I even started school.

As I have grown older, I have tried to look for more commonality with others. I have also consciously tried to create safe spaces for myself. Creating safe spaces for myself is a strategy that can backfire, however, because sometimes it leads to avoidance of any environments that I remotely feel could be uncomfortable or potentially rejecting in any way.

Paradoxically enough, some of my close friends have co-signed my belief that I am indeed very weird. Personally, I've known a lot of weird in my life, and honestly, truly, I think I am really quite mediocre in the weird department. So there.

Swimming With Dolphins

One night several years ago (in between all the nightmares about being trapped in high rises, elevators, etc.), I had a dream that I actually enjoyed.

I dreamed that I was hired to swim around with the dolphins who were becoming unhappy in captivity at Disney World. I got to be an aquatic play therapist for dolphins.

I understood how the dolphins felt. I had felt unhappy in captivity myself for many years. So, the dolphins and I swam around together, and cavorted, and had a great time. I don't know how much this job paid, or how I happened to get it, but it seemed to make more sense than most of the other jobs I'd had.

Collage of Fears

About a month ago I read a book entitled The PTSD Workbook. One of its suggestions was to make a collage depicting the things that you fear. I started collecting some of the pictures in a shoebox, but have not made a physical cut-and-paste type collage yet....so I'll do one here! I'll start it right now, and then come back and work on it more later.....

If You See An Idiot

I googled some bizarre string of words this morning and ended up on a blog by somebody named Steve Pavlina. Apparently this guy has been a very popular blogger on topics related to self-help, self-improvement, personal mastery, your life's true purpose and all that sort of happy stuff. He also was arrested for grand theft and had a very messy divorce related to exploration of polyamory. But that's not the part that really interested me.

I'm going to paraphrase this, and go back and maybe find the exact quote later. Basically, what he said was that if you're out there in the world, and you see an idiot, you can ignore the idiot, leave, go in the other direction, etc. However, if you're in the corporate world, and you see an idiot, you say "Hi, Boss!!"

What a delightful, positive thought to start the day with!

I Hate Resumes

I really can't stand resumes. For one thing, they're usually extremely boring, and the whole tone of them is usually somewhere between self-promoting and self-aggrandizing. In general, they make your boring career sound even more boring than it actually was, and they make you sound like a real asshat.

Recently someone looked at my resume and said it didn't sound very enthusiastic. That was a rather perceptive piece of feedback, because frankly, I don't feel enthusiastic about obtaining anything resembling the majority of my paid employment.

I also don't like the advice to be sure to include all your great achievements, and to quantify them if possible. Like what? I bore myself to even force myself to think of most of that.

Maybe sometime I will try to write a resume that is not a complete buzzkill. Something lively, entertaining and fun. Maybe I won't send it anywhere, but I like the idea of creating it.

There Might Be Some Jobs I Might Like

Recently I've been trying to open my mind to the fact that there could possibly be some forms of paid work in the world that would not make me sick. Right now I am at the point where I am willing to believe that such workplaces might exist.

I have not yet convinced myself of the likelihood of: 1) finding these places, and 2) becoming employed by these places. I'm going to work on that.

Part of this process is for me to clearly identify what doesn't work/what to avoid, and then to determine what types of work might be suitable.

I'd like to break this down by types of business or organization to which I am attracted (or at the very least, not averse), conditions that absolutely cannot exist in a prospective workplace, and envision what I would like to see. I'm going to brainstorm these lists right now:

Environments I Might Like

Arts and crafts related
Organic foods/gardening
College/University
Alternative health: naturopath, acupuncture, etc
Pet related: Doggie daycare, dog walking, pet supplies, etc.
Social services/nonprofits
Hippie shop
Bookstore
Antique store

Deal-breakers & Unacceptable (for me) Working Conditions

Lots of office politics
High stress environment
Fast pace/many deadlines/time pressures
Micromanagement/critical supervision
Pressure to perform
Inflexible procedures
Excessive performance evaluation
Excessive work load
Lack of control over work
Call centers
Corporate cubicle farms
Any company that exploits workers (here or overseas)
Adversarial employee/management relations
Hierarchical organization
Constant monitoring
Lack of ability to take restroom breaks as needed
Discriminatory environment (sexism, racism, homophobia & other forms)
Cliqueish co-workers
Jerks and Dumbasses (occasional Bozo or Doofus OK)

What I'd Like To See

Collaborative organizational style
Respect for all
Fun, happy environment
Creativity
People are allowed to make a mistake/perfection is not expected
Everyone is valued
Diverse people
Atmosphere of ongoing learning
Low pressure

I Liked Rehab Better Than My Job

Which would you prefer:

Going to your job every day for a month?
                or
Going to a locked ward for alcohol/drug rehab for a month?

When I was in my 20's, I preferred the drug/alcohol treatment center to my daily working life. Not just once, but twice. I was working in a call center back then. At the time, I believed that being stoned or high made me better at my job, or at least happier.

I remember how sad and worried I felt when it was time to graduate from treatment and return to my real life. I liked rehab. We got to get up every morning and have a great breakfast together. Then we'd have classes about drugs and alcohol and their effects, therapy groups where everyone told fascinating stories and said all kinds of insightful things about life, and individual counseling sessions. My counselor was this big biker guy from San Francisco who really understood how I felt about things.

We also got to play pool (I was a pretty good pool player at the time, since I spent a lot of time in bars that had pool tables), gin rummy, and poker. I found most of my treatment center buddies to be very entertaining, interesting people. In the evenings we'd make popcorn, and we'd make little hors d'oeuvres out of the individually wrapped bologna and processed cheese slices that were provided in the hallway pantry refrigerators. We had movies to watch, too, like "Rocky" and "Grease".

It was nice of (name of major telecommunications company) to send me there twice. I'm not so sure most companies would be that understanding today.

I had this dawning awareness that your life shouldn't be something you want to escape. If you feel you need to be drunk or high to get through your day, then there's a problem.

I'm still clean and sober today, which is a good thing for me and everyone around me. Ironically enough, I still don't have the job thing figured out yet. It's a puzzle I want to solve. It's a scary challenge I want to overcome.