Over the past few years I have amassed quite a collection of almost-worn-out clothes. I have squirreled these away in my basement in case I am ever so impoverished that I can't afford to buy clothes at all (right now I am mainly obtaining clothing from thrift stores and free boxes/curb surfing, and adding items only when I feel that I really need them.) I figured maybe I shouldn't throw them away just yet- there may come a time when I will need them: either I won't be able to work, won't be able to find work, can't get adequate assistance, etc.
A variation on this theme is Eating Dandelions from the Yard. A few years ago I began to start preparing for Total Economic Collapse. I read all kinds of books about identifying edible wild plants, canning vegetables, seed saving, establishing permaculture, etc., and I put a great deal of this knowledge into practice, for example, raising chickens, fruit trees, and vegetable gardening. Now, a lot of this is just plain fun; in fact, permaculture, sustainable living, and frugal living have become quite fashionable in recent years. It's possible to garden quite cheaply, or quite expensively, depending on how one chooses to do it.
I also got into Dumpster Diving and Curb Surfing. You have to be careful with this, or you can actually end up with more stuff than you really need. Once we found an incredible dumpster in an affluent area of town. This dumpster was full of designer clothes, brand-new linens, pots and pans, fancy shampoos and soaps, and more. We filled our car with as much stuff as it could hold, and took it to a local group for homeless people.
One of my favorite frugal living tips is that whenever I'm tempted to buy something, I ask myself "How many hours of work would it take to buy this?" Needless to say, this is a great incentive to put the item back on the shelf.
When I was at U. S. Worst Telecommunications, I attended a seminar by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner, Dealing With Difficult People. I just found a slideshow from this presentation-click on the previous link to go there.
My therapist suggested that I set aside 15 minutes a day for worrying, and to postpone any potential worries until that scheduled worry time. Well, I wasn't able to do that today.
Today someone was rude to me at my volunteer job and it totally shot my day to hell. For the entire rest of the day, I was unable to relax or enjoy my usual activities. I spent most of my day wondering why I react this way, whether I will ever be able to comfortably interact in regular everyday social situations, whether maybe I really don't like most people after all and I should just go back to being a hermit, etc., etc. It's time for bed, and I'm still up feeling all agitated. My back muscles are so tight that even shifting positions in my chair hurts.
I am so tired of this. I realize that I am making progress: I go out in public, I volunteer, I go to support groups, I see friends occasionally. I'm able to drive across town. I even got a part-time temp job- finally- and I start tomorrow. (I'll tell more about that sometime, maybe.) I'm just not making enough progress to achieve my idea of what a somewhat normal life would look like for me.
There were times in my life, maybe 15 or 20 years ago, when I could just think that people were bozos and then I could move on. Why can't I do that any more? It almost seems like I had a certain amount of capacity to deal with social unpleasantness, and I have exhausted the entire amount of capability I had- I exceeded my lifetime limit, and it's just plain gone. That's how it feels.
Today I was worrying about how I can ever hold a job successfully if I can't deal with other people evaluating me, or criticizing me, or saying anything that even remotely seems negative, or even looking at me the wrong way. I guess I'll just have to try.
I was just re-reading my post about co-worker avoidance, which caused me to pose an interesting question to myself: exactly why did I want to avoid these people? Also, I asked myself if the avoidance involved all people, or just some people.
I'll answer the second question first: The truth is that I only want to avoid some people, not all people. I think that was true ten years ago, or twenty years ago, as well as today. It's not based on shyness alone, although I am somewhat shy.
OK, then which people do I want to avoid, and why?
I want to avoid people who are trying to impress others with displays of social status or materialism. For example, when I worked in corporations, I frequently was around people who made a big deal out of shopping at expensive stores, eating at trendy high-priced restaurants, fancy overseas travel, and this sort of thing. Furthermore, I didn't get the sense that they deeply ENJOYED any of this on any real level, rather, they wanted to impress others with the prestige or status they felt was associated with these activities.
I am uncomfortable around the sort of women who perform stereotypical femininity to an extreme degree and assume that all female people aspire to the same. Likewise, I am uncomfortable around their macho-man counterparts.
I get completely lost and confused in the company of people who are immersed in mainstream pop culture. Usually I have NO idea about the TV shows, movies, and pop stars they are talking about.
I was never a particularly good corporate team player, and I didn't understand people who were. They reminded me of the people called "Soshes" in high school. I think they call them "Preps" now. While I cared about the work I performed, I didn't care for trying to promote my image in the workplace, competing with others, or networking for the sake of networking. I strongly dislike office politics.
Maybe it goes without saying (or maybe it doesn't), but I definitely don't want to be around sexists, racists, homophobes, or people who want to force their religion on everyone else. Nor do I seek the company of rude people, obnoxious people, arrogant jerks, and the like.
I actually enjoy being around people who are intelligent, thoughtful, and just plain nice!
I often felt so uncomfortable interacting with co-workers that I devised all sorts of ways to avoid them.
One of my favorite methods of co-worker avoidance was to spend every single break and lunch hour studying. When anyone would ask me to lunch, I would always say I had to study for a test in accounting, statistics, economics or some other tough-sounding subject. This would usually elicit sympathy and a quick departure.
The fact that it took me over 15 years to graduate from college helped make this a very effective ruse indeed.
I also would make frequent lunch hour trips to libraries and bookstores to obtain "books I needed for classes."
I went on lots of exercise regimes that required me to be out walking during the lunch hour.
When I was in management positions, I simply worked through lunch most of the time.
During my last few years in the workforce, I finally figured out that it was helpful to have a few "safe" topics of general interest that would help me attempt to actually interact with people. Gardening, pets, kids and food (nothing too exotic) usually seemed to work pretty well. I was also mindful to steer clear of topics like beat poetry, philosophy, dumpster diving, politics, gay/lesbian issues- the kinds of things that really interest me-- I felt that I had to be self-censoring all the time to even be marginally accepted in the workplace. This level of alienation creates a constant feeling of anxiety and tension.
Part of the social phobia that is undoubtedly a big part of my ergophobia is based on my deeply held inner belief that I am in fact a complete and total weirdo.
I have had this belief for as long as I can remember.
I remember feeling like a weirdo when I was too young to know what a weirdo even was. I have an early memory of being about 3 or 4 and feeling socially clueless with the little girl next door who was the same age as me. I remember we were sitting on a picnic bench in her back yard, and she had these pink rubber hair curlers that she wanted to put in my hair, and I clearly remember feeling like I was weird because I had no idea why she would even want to do such a thing, and I figured since I didn't have a clue about that, well, I must be weird then. I probably didn't even have the words for all that yet, but I very distinctly remember the feeling.
I remember being in the first grade, and the boys would chase the girls around the playground. I wanted to chase the girls around too, so I did, and then I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. So I went and hid behind the stairs. I then hid behind the stairs on a regular basis, because it was easier than trying to figure out how to act around other kids.
All my life I have felt that:
- Other people were interested in things that were totally different from my own interests, and vice versa.
- Most everyone else knew the unwritten social rules, and I didn't.
- My opinions, thoughts, and viewpoints are way different from other people's.
- If I tell people what I really think or feel, they will think that I am strange, weird, odd, different, etc.
- I need to carefully scan the social environment at all times so that I can act in ways that will keep me relatively safe and free from embarrassment and harm.
- There is no place where I really belong. Not even the fringe groups, subcultures, out-groups, etc.
I'm not sure where these beliefs came from. My parents seemed to basically accept me and love me for who I am. I did have some difficulty navigating school, but then again, I felt like I was different before I even started school.
As I have grown older, I have tried to look for more commonality with others. I have also consciously tried to create safe spaces for myself. Creating safe spaces for myself is a strategy that can backfire, however, because sometimes it leads to avoidance of any environments that I remotely feel could be uncomfortable or potentially rejecting in any way.
Paradoxically enough, some of my close friends have co-signed my belief that I am indeed very weird. Personally, I've known a lot of weird in my life, and honestly, truly, I think I am really quite mediocre in the weird department. So there.
