Hallelujah, I'm A Bum

I quit my job on October 23, 2013. I had spent three weeks in an outpatient psych ward due to a mental breakdown/severe depressive episode. Since it was clear to me that my job was endangering my mental (and physical) health, I quit. Without going into detail, I'll say that the office politics were completely demoralizing, and the office atmosphere, as well as the excessive workload, made life intolerable for me.

I'm going to relax and take care of my health for a while, and concentrate on recovering my mental and physical health.

Job Inside My Brain

My bad job has wormed itself into my brain like a self-replicating virus. I dream of bad jobs. I wake up with feelings of self-recrimination and failure.  I ruminate endlessly over what I have done wrong in my life to be doomed to suffer bad jobs. Over and over I tell my partner about my bad job, what am I going to do about this job, should I quit this job, would I be able to get another job, is it OK to spend all my savings, should we sell the house, job, job, my job sucks, I hate my job, all right- I won't talk about my job anymore, it's a distasteful subject! Failed career, gonna be old and broke, destitution, disease, death....Where is the drug to vanquish the job virus in my brain and let me rest?

Don't think about jobs. Think about anything else besides the job. I will only allow myself to think about it when I'm actually there. So far this hasn't worked.

Here are things I can think about instead of thinking about my job: The Grateful Dead, Grumpy Cat, Pitbull Sharky, Angry Birds, Popword, popcorn, vegetable gardens, pomegranates, incense, peppermints....caledonia mahogany's elbows.....art cars, dogs, cats, chickens, Andy Warhol, space aliens, ghosts, UFOs, Roky Erickson and the 13th Floor Elevators, chai tea, breve latte with whipped cream, velvet paintings, Voodoo Donuts, the Church of Elvis.....anything, anything else!!

"You're lucky to have a job at all, any job..."

Since we live in a society where securing a livelihood is a crap shoot, we often hear the comment "You're lucky to have a job at all, any job..." This is a sad commentary.

Even wild animals have food, shelter, and the companionship of other animals of their species. Yet in our supposedly evolved human society, it's considered to be some sort of privilege to have shelter, food, and the basic necessities of life.

I wonder why we, as a culture, haven't come up with a better system of matching people who are willing to work with tasks that need to be accomplished. Surely there are enough tasks that need to be done. Perhaps if we focused more on human needs  (including self-actualization, artistic expression, love, spirituality, and other human experiences) and had less striving for profit and less greed, this could happen.

Panic Attack

Today I was at work and was subjected to having to witness loud, aggressive, obnoxious verbal abuse directed at one of my co-workers. I became distraught, got up, walked into my boss' office, told him what was happening, suggested he go hear it for himself, and advised him I needed to leave and go take a walk. I went to a nearby cafe to pick up some food. About twenty minutes later I went back to my office and had a full-blown panic attack. I really hate stuff like this. I just want to retire again and live in peace.

Here's To You, Charles Bukowski

Charles Bukowski escaped the working world in 1969 at the age of 49. The publisher of Black Sparrow Press, John Martin, offered Bukowski $100 a month for the rest of his life if he would quit his job at the Post Office and become a writer.

Fifteen years later, "Hank" Bukowski wrote John Martin a heartfelt letter of gratitude. Here are some excerpts from his letter:

"And what hurts is the steadily diminishing humanity of those fighting to hold jobs they don't want but fear the alternative worse. People simply empty out. They are bodies with fearful and obedient minds. The color leaves the eye. The voice becomes ugly. And the body. The hair. The fingernails. The shoes. Everything does.

As a young man I could not believe that people could give their lives over to those conditions. As an old man, I still can't believe it. What do they do it for? Sex? TV? An automobile on monthly payments? Or children? Children who are just going to do the same things that they did?"

"So, the luck I finally had in getting out of those places, no matter how long it took, has given me a kind of joy, the jolly joy of the miracle. I now write from an old mind and an old body, long beyond the time when most men would ever think of continuing such a thing, but since I started so late I owe it to myself to continue, and when the words begin to falter and I must be helped up stairways and I can no longer tell a bluebird from a paperclip, I still feel that something in me is going to remember (no matter how far I'm gone) how I've come through the murder and the mess and the moil, to at least a generous way to die.

To not to have entirely wasted one's life seems to be a worthy accomplishment, if only for myself.

yr boy,

Hank"

Cold Turkey

When I worked at US Worst in Seattle, I'd get stuck in traffic on the bridge over Lake Washington. It was  rainy and dismal, and I had just had a terrible day at my horrible job. People might think that a job that pays 50 grand a year isn't horrible-after all it pays 50 grand a year- but they're wrong. It made me want to drive my car right off the bridge.

When I have a bad job, I can't get my mind off the bad job. I can't shut it off when I leave the building. It haunts me like a curse. I quit drugs and drinking but I totally understand why I used to do that stuff. Sometimes you have just got to shut off your head.

I would play this tape on my car radio over and over while I sat on the bridge in the rain. Thank you, John Lennon.

What Causes Success?

I wonder why some people who are intelligent, talented, capable, and possess a good set of skills become successful, and others who are equally intelligent, talented, capable and skilled do not become successful.

Some thoughts off the top of my head:

- Social skills
- Being well connected, networking effectively
- Being able to market yourself
- Being from an advantaged socioeconomic class, race, gender: relative privilege in society
- Becoming successful at a young age and progressing from there, building on that
- Putting yourself first, not sacrificing your own ambitions for the sake of others
- Supportive environment
- Working in an area where you're especially passionate and talented
- Having an existing market for what you have to offer

When I think of more possible reasons, I'll add them to the list.