As I've mentioned previously, I managed to get a part-time job. For the most part, this is a good thing. Does this mean I'm not ergophobic any more? Definitely not!
In cognitive behavioral therapy, I have learned to watch for negative thoughts, especially negative self talk. When I find that I am engaging in negative self talk, I try to redirect my thoughts to a more positive outlook.
For example, I was thinking about a new co-worker, and I thought, "She probably thinks I'm a dumb clerical person." Do I have any real evidence of this? No, I don't. If she's not seeking me out, maybe she's busy, or perhaps she's shy herself.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Fear of Work, or Fear of the Workplace?
Many sources describe ergophobia as "fear of work." To me, this is not quite accurate.
If ergophobia was simply "fear of work," the sufferer would not do much of anything, and they would fear purposeful activities in general. This might be seen as laziness or being amotivational.
If ergophobia was the "fear of work," would the person with ergophobia mow their lawn, get their dishes done, do their laundry, wash the dog, or make home repairs? These activities are work, aren't they?
I submit that ergophobia is more precisely defined as "fear of employment", or "fear of the workplace."
I don't have much anxiety associated with home chores or things required for personal maintenance. It's employment, especially paid employment, that generates the anxiety, brings forth the bad memories, and messes with my self-esteem.
Now, there may be some overlap with ergophobia and other mental health challenges such as social anxiety, agoraphobia and the like. These conditions indeed may impact one's ability to go shopping, wash the dog, etc.
In general, however, I believe that ergophobia is "fear of the workplace." It's a complex constellation of fear around the kinds of situations and experiences that are associated with employment, jobs, and workplaces.
If ergophobia was simply "fear of work," the sufferer would not do much of anything, and they would fear purposeful activities in general. This might be seen as laziness or being amotivational.
If ergophobia was the "fear of work," would the person with ergophobia mow their lawn, get their dishes done, do their laundry, wash the dog, or make home repairs? These activities are work, aren't they?
I submit that ergophobia is more precisely defined as "fear of employment", or "fear of the workplace."
I don't have much anxiety associated with home chores or things required for personal maintenance. It's employment, especially paid employment, that generates the anxiety, brings forth the bad memories, and messes with my self-esteem.
Now, there may be some overlap with ergophobia and other mental health challenges such as social anxiety, agoraphobia and the like. These conditions indeed may impact one's ability to go shopping, wash the dog, etc.
In general, however, I believe that ergophobia is "fear of the workplace." It's a complex constellation of fear around the kinds of situations and experiences that are associated with employment, jobs, and workplaces.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Bad Elevator Dream Again
Two nights ago I had the elevator nightmare again. It woke me up out of a sound sleep. I was so glad to wake up and get out of that dream.
In this dream, I suddenly realized I was in an elevator. There was another person, a stranger, who was also in the elevator. Voices from the outside were yelling, "Don't press any buttons!" just as he was pressing a button. He dashed out and escaped, leaving me alone.
Then I looked around, and the elevator had gotten smaller, and it was a wooden box about 5 feet across and 8 feet high, with only a little spool-like button on the wall. There wasn't much air in there, and I felt like I was suffocating. Then I woke up, thankfully.
These dreams often happen when I am thinking about workplaces a lot, or having negative feelings about them. So I see it as a signal to examine this.
In this dream, I suddenly realized I was in an elevator. There was another person, a stranger, who was also in the elevator. Voices from the outside were yelling, "Don't press any buttons!" just as he was pressing a button. He dashed out and escaped, leaving me alone.
Then I looked around, and the elevator had gotten smaller, and it was a wooden box about 5 feet across and 8 feet high, with only a little spool-like button on the wall. There wasn't much air in there, and I felt like I was suffocating. Then I woke up, thankfully.
These dreams often happen when I am thinking about workplaces a lot, or having negative feelings about them. So I see it as a signal to examine this.
My Work Hours Increased: 20 Hours a Week
As I have mentioned before, I am working at a temporary/transitional part time job at a non-profit that works with people with mental illness. I will now be working 20 hours a week (at first it was 10, then 15, and now 20.)
It will be interesting to see how this goes. I feel kind of optimistic about it. I like the idea of being able to work and actually be reasonably contented.
My work is mainly data entry, mailings/email, and general office tasks such as updating forms, filing, keeping supplies organized, etc. I've been told I'm doing a great job.
A few times there have been staff meetings (10 people), and I haven't said much, and felt awkward. I don't think I appeared as shy as I felt. Most of the other people weren't saying much either, though; it was mainly the Executive Director talking. I got a slightly queasy stomach which resulted in growling, rumbling sounds that I hoped nobody noticed. That happens to me a lot in group meetings.
There have been times in my life where I managed to express my opinions, whether or not they were similar to other people's opinions. Unfortunately I worry about being rejected on this basis. I know I often think differently from others around me. And I know I really don't get the social "rules"- what do I do about that?
It will be interesting to see how this goes. I feel kind of optimistic about it. I like the idea of being able to work and actually be reasonably contented.
My work is mainly data entry, mailings/email, and general office tasks such as updating forms, filing, keeping supplies organized, etc. I've been told I'm doing a great job.
A few times there have been staff meetings (10 people), and I haven't said much, and felt awkward. I don't think I appeared as shy as I felt. Most of the other people weren't saying much either, though; it was mainly the Executive Director talking. I got a slightly queasy stomach which resulted in growling, rumbling sounds that I hoped nobody noticed. That happens to me a lot in group meetings.
There have been times in my life where I managed to express my opinions, whether or not they were similar to other people's opinions. Unfortunately I worry about being rejected on this basis. I know I often think differently from others around me. And I know I really don't get the social "rules"- what do I do about that?
Friday, October 5, 2012
Work Fantasies
Most, if not all, of my work life has not been satisfying to me. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like/be like if that were different.
Sometimes I would have thoughts or fantasies about having a way to earn money that made me feel happy and good. These thoughts were usually accompanied by sad and wistful feelings, thinking that such a thing is not possible.
Often I would peruse school/university catalogs, thinking that maybe that would be the key or the ticket to happiness. I even got as far as applying to graduate school in Social Work. I was 41 years old at the time, and I had recently graduated from college. The hardest part was asking people for references. One of my references (former co-worker) never sent in her reference letter, which probably hurt my application, because it put me under the minimum number of references required. In any case, I wasn't accepted into graduate school, and I didn't try again.
Note: My problem is not necessarily lack of education, skills, or training. I have these, even if they are not in the areas where I might have been happier. My problem is more my inability to network, make social connections, promote & market myself, etc.
Another fantasy was careers in the arts or writing. Over the years I had written short stories, essays, and poetry, and occasionally would have them published. Usually the payment for this was a free copy of the literary magazine.
Later, when I had retired, I thought it would be fun to paint and do crafts. I have a fair amount of talent in this area- a good sense of color and design, and the ability to do innovative work. My old house was a big art installation. I had painted the walls in all different bright and unusual colors, and decorated the doors and cabinets with original paintings. I made floorcloths, baskets, fiber arts, jewelry, painted handbags, tie-dyes and other handmade things, and sold some of them.
Interestingly, the art-making started to feel like WORK. Then, I found I didn't enjoy it as much.
Here are some of my other work fantasies. Most are outside mainstream society. Mainstream society has not been a good fit for me.
- Tattoo Artist. I researched this about 25 years ago. You had to be someone's apprentice. I was too shy to ask anybody. Too bad- this field really skyrocketed, and I probably would have been pretty good at it.
- Organic Farmer/Herbalist. I've done this on a small scale, and I really enjoy this. My specialty is permaculture, although I don't have the fancy certifications that people were selling.
- Working in a Hippie Shop. This wouldn't pay well, but I would get to be in an environment that didn't suck. It would be aesthetically pleasing, and the music is nice, especially if it's Grateful Dead music.
- Bookstore Clerk, small independent low-to medium volume bookstore. I can picture myself doing that.
- Artsy Boutique Shop Clerk. (Kind of like Hippie Shop Clerk or Bookstore Clerk.)
- Hoodoo Rootworker/Psychic Reader & related gigs. I'm intuitive, and I'd be good at this. I have a fair amount of arcane knowledge.
- Aquatic Coach for Dogs. This is my current favorite job fantasy: to get paid to play with dogs in the water.
Sometimes I would have thoughts or fantasies about having a way to earn money that made me feel happy and good. These thoughts were usually accompanied by sad and wistful feelings, thinking that such a thing is not possible.
Often I would peruse school/university catalogs, thinking that maybe that would be the key or the ticket to happiness. I even got as far as applying to graduate school in Social Work. I was 41 years old at the time, and I had recently graduated from college. The hardest part was asking people for references. One of my references (former co-worker) never sent in her reference letter, which probably hurt my application, because it put me under the minimum number of references required. In any case, I wasn't accepted into graduate school, and I didn't try again.
Note: My problem is not necessarily lack of education, skills, or training. I have these, even if they are not in the areas where I might have been happier. My problem is more my inability to network, make social connections, promote & market myself, etc.
Another fantasy was careers in the arts or writing. Over the years I had written short stories, essays, and poetry, and occasionally would have them published. Usually the payment for this was a free copy of the literary magazine.
Later, when I had retired, I thought it would be fun to paint and do crafts. I have a fair amount of talent in this area- a good sense of color and design, and the ability to do innovative work. My old house was a big art installation. I had painted the walls in all different bright and unusual colors, and decorated the doors and cabinets with original paintings. I made floorcloths, baskets, fiber arts, jewelry, painted handbags, tie-dyes and other handmade things, and sold some of them.
Interestingly, the art-making started to feel like WORK. Then, I found I didn't enjoy it as much.
Here are some of my other work fantasies. Most are outside mainstream society. Mainstream society has not been a good fit for me.
- Tattoo Artist. I researched this about 25 years ago. You had to be someone's apprentice. I was too shy to ask anybody. Too bad- this field really skyrocketed, and I probably would have been pretty good at it.
- Organic Farmer/Herbalist. I've done this on a small scale, and I really enjoy this. My specialty is permaculture, although I don't have the fancy certifications that people were selling.
- Working in a Hippie Shop. This wouldn't pay well, but I would get to be in an environment that didn't suck. It would be aesthetically pleasing, and the music is nice, especially if it's Grateful Dead music.
- Bookstore Clerk, small independent low-to medium volume bookstore. I can picture myself doing that.
- Artsy Boutique Shop Clerk. (Kind of like Hippie Shop Clerk or Bookstore Clerk.)
- Hoodoo Rootworker/Psychic Reader & related gigs. I'm intuitive, and I'd be good at this. I have a fair amount of arcane knowledge.
- Aquatic Coach for Dogs. This is my current favorite job fantasy: to get paid to play with dogs in the water.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Conflict at Work Freaks Me Out
My little temp job is pretty mellow most of the time. However, today I was reminded of how badly I am affected by even being in the vicinity of any interpersonal conflict.
I just happened to overhear two people having a somewhat tense conversation about something they didn't quite agree on. Although their conversation had absolutely nothing to do with me personally, it immediately caused me to feel very tense, anxious, and uncertain about the safety of my environment.
There is probably a way for me to overcome this type of reaction; however, I am not sure how to do so yet.
I just happened to overhear two people having a somewhat tense conversation about something they didn't quite agree on. Although their conversation had absolutely nothing to do with me personally, it immediately caused me to feel very tense, anxious, and uncertain about the safety of my environment.
There is probably a way for me to overcome this type of reaction; however, I am not sure how to do so yet.
Wikipedia Article: Workplace Phobia
Wikipedia has an excellent article on Workplace Phobia. I could definitely relate to many of the examples given, such as:
- Avoidance behaviors develop.
- Avoidance can actually make the fear and anxiety more chronic (I stayed "retired" for several years because I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to a dysfunctional work environment.)
- I would avoid the areas of town associated with former workplaces. During Cognitive Behavior Therapy this year, I was finally able to stand across the street from a building where I used to work.
- Situational factors such as traumatic events in the workplace can precipitate workplace phobia (I had a number of events that fall into this category, including witnessing workplace violence, and the deaths of friends whom I worked with, including the suicide of a close co-worker.)
- Existing mental health concerns can morph into workplace phobia.
- Workplace phobia can result in early retirement. (That would be me, too!)
This article is one of the better ones I've seen on this subject.
- Avoidance behaviors develop.
- Avoidance can actually make the fear and anxiety more chronic (I stayed "retired" for several years because I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to a dysfunctional work environment.)
- I would avoid the areas of town associated with former workplaces. During Cognitive Behavior Therapy this year, I was finally able to stand across the street from a building where I used to work.
- Situational factors such as traumatic events in the workplace can precipitate workplace phobia (I had a number of events that fall into this category, including witnessing workplace violence, and the deaths of friends whom I worked with, including the suicide of a close co-worker.)
- Existing mental health concerns can morph into workplace phobia.
- Workplace phobia can result in early retirement. (That would be me, too!)
This article is one of the better ones I've seen on this subject.
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