Work Fantasies

Most, if not all, of my work life has not been satisfying to me. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like/be like if that were different.

Sometimes I would have thoughts or fantasies about having a way to earn money that made me feel happy and good. These thoughts were usually accompanied by sad and wistful feelings, thinking that such a thing is not possible.

Often I would peruse school/university catalogs, thinking that maybe that would be the key or the ticket to happiness. I even got as far as applying to graduate school in Social Work. I was 41 years old at the time, and I had recently graduated from college. The hardest part was asking people for references. One of my references (former co-worker) never sent in her reference letter, which probably hurt my application, because it put me under the minimum number of references required. In any case, I wasn't accepted into graduate school, and I didn't try again.

Note: My problem is not necessarily lack of education, skills, or training. I have these, even if they are not in the areas where I might have been happier. My problem is more my inability to network, make social connections, promote & market myself, etc.

Another fantasy was careers in the arts or writing. Over the years I had written short stories, essays, and poetry, and occasionally would have them published. Usually the payment for this was a free copy of the literary magazine.

Later, when I had retired, I thought it would be fun to paint and do crafts. I have a fair amount of talent in this area- a good sense of color and design, and the ability to do innovative work. My old house was a big art installation. I had painted the walls in all different bright and unusual colors, and decorated the doors and cabinets with original paintings. I made floorcloths, baskets, fiber arts, jewelry, painted handbags, tie-dyes and other handmade things, and sold some of them.

Interestingly, the art-making started to feel like WORK. Then, I found I didn't enjoy it as much.

Here are some of my other work fantasies. Most are outside mainstream society. Mainstream society has not been a good fit for me.

- Tattoo Artist. I researched this about 25 years ago. You had to be someone's apprentice. I was too shy to ask anybody. Too bad- this field really skyrocketed, and I probably would have been pretty good at it.

- Organic Farmer/Herbalist. I've done this on a small scale, and I really enjoy this. My specialty is permaculture, although I don't have the fancy certifications that people were selling.

- Working in a Hippie Shop. This wouldn't pay well, but I would get to be in an environment that didn't suck. It would be aesthetically pleasing, and the music is nice, especially if it's Grateful Dead music.

- Bookstore Clerk, small independent low-to medium volume bookstore. I can picture myself doing that.

- Artsy Boutique Shop Clerk. (Kind of like Hippie Shop Clerk or Bookstore Clerk.)

- Hoodoo Rootworker/Psychic Reader & related gigs. I'm intuitive, and I'd be good at this. I have a fair amount of arcane knowledge.

- Aquatic Coach for Dogs. This is my current favorite job fantasy: to get paid to play with dogs in the water.

Conflict at Work Freaks Me Out

My little temp job is pretty mellow most of the time. However, today I was reminded of how badly I am affected by even being in the vicinity of any interpersonal conflict.

I just happened to overhear two people having a somewhat tense conversation about something they didn't quite agree on. Although their conversation had absolutely nothing to do with me personally, it immediately caused me to feel very tense, anxious, and uncertain about the safety of my environment.

There is probably a way for me to overcome this type of reaction; however, I am not sure how to do so yet.

Wikipedia Article: Workplace Phobia

Wikipedia has an excellent article on Workplace Phobia. I could definitely relate to many of the examples given, such as:

- Avoidance behaviors develop.
- Avoidance can actually make the fear and anxiety more chronic (I stayed "retired" for several years because I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to a dysfunctional work environment.)
- I would avoid the areas of town associated with former workplaces. During Cognitive Behavior Therapy this year, I was finally able to stand across the street from a building where I used to work.
- Situational factors such as traumatic events in the workplace can precipitate workplace phobia (I had a number of events that fall into this category, including witnessing workplace violence, and the deaths of friends whom I worked with, including the suicide of a close co-worker.)
- Existing mental health concerns can morph into workplace phobia.
- Workplace phobia can result in early retirement. (That would be me, too!)

This article is one of the better ones I've seen on this subject.

Good Website on Social Anxiety

Today I found a good website on social anxiety. The author is Larry Cohen, a licensed clinical social worker in Washington, D. C.

An interesting feature of this website is Cohen's article about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people having vulnerability to social anxiety. He outlines some of the negative core beliefs that generate social anxiety, such as "I'm fundamentally different and don't fit in," "If someone got to know the real me, they wouldn't accept me," and "I'm not good enough to be accepted by the people I admire."

If you peruse his website, you'll find a number of valuable articles, and a link to an NPR story on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for social anxiety.

 

Rejection Letter

The day before yesterday, I got a rejection letter for a job I applied for a few weeks ago.

Since then, I have had an increasing number of negative thoughts and a vague sense of anxiety, a feeling that something bad is going to happen to me. I try to counteract these thoughts, which reduces the tension to a lower level, but it doesn't fully go away.

I know that a big part of the problem was that I really wanted this particular job. Once a therapist suggested applying to jobs that I didn't really care if I got or not, for practice. Maybe I should try that again.

Over the past few years, whenever I would apply for jobs, I would have all sorts of bad feelings that manifest on a physical level: heartburn, dizziness, feeling like my breath is stuck and I can't catch my breath, feeling of unreality, etc. Even when I tried making phone calls to temp agencies in my therapist's office, I had to keep running to the bathroom, and had to drink a lot of water because my mouth kept going dry.

Another Weird Work Dream

I hadn't had any bad or weird dreams involving workplaces lately, but I had one last night.

In this dream, I was required to take a qualifying test for some reason which hadn't been fully explained. The manager was one of my old co-workers, who was an uptight and workaholic type person.

To take the test, I had to go into a small, hot, windowless room. I asked if the test would be based on what we studied in training, and the manager said, "No, it's about your general knowledge."

The test itself was composed of random, multicolored pieces of glossy paper that looked like advertising flyers. The flyers had different questions printed on them- you had to look very carefully to find the questions. I don't recall the questions now. The pieces kept falling to the floor, and then I would pick them up and return them to the table.

So, I answered all the questions, and then went into a huge conference room with an enormous table surrounded by office-type chairs. The manager called me to the head of the table where she was sitting, and told me I didn't pass the test. I missed one question; a 96% was required to pass, and I had a score of 94%.

I asked the manager which question I had missed, and she produced a light blue glossy piece of paper with a picture of a dolphin, and told me "You forgot to answer this one." (For some reason, the symbology of dolphins has something to do with missed opportunities and unrealized fulfillment for me. I have had this come up in dreams before.)

I asked what the test would be used for; she was vague, and said, "Well, that depends....." I then reminded her of my upcoming departure date from the company, and I asked her if the test would be useful for anything else. She looked thoughtful for a moment, and said, "Well, I'm not really sure."

The last part of the dream I remember was that I was looking for the exit, and couldn't find it.

Practicing Social Skills

One of my current personal goals is to improve my level of social skills. Specifically, I want to be able to meet new people comfortably, feel less self-conscious, and be able to make conversation with people.

I mostly do OK with people I already know, especially if they are friends of mine.

"New" people includes people that I have previously met, but that I do not know particularly well yet.

My usual social experience is to worry before a social event (what will happen, will people like me, maybe I should just stay home, etc.). Then, I feel anxious during the social event (wondering when to say something, being unsure if I am being socially acceptable, feeling self-conscious, feeling out of place, etc.). Finally, I worry after the social event is over (whether something I said was the wrong thing to have said, whether someone was rejecting me, maybe I should just not go back in the future, etc.) Needless to say, this pretty much sucks the life out of socializing! The anxiety occurs before, during, and after any social event.

I have more anxiety during unstructured interactions than structured interactions. For example, if I am in a class, most of that is pretty structured, so there's less anxiety for me in that type of situation. The more I know what to expect, and the more limited the interactions, the better I tend to feel about it.

The other day I went to a social gathering where many of the people were fairly new to me. I went there with the specific idea of going to a relatively unstructured social gathering. I played Scrabble there and talked to people a bit. There were a few times when I noticed how quiet I was. I felt bad about winning the game when I knew someone else really cared about winning a lot more than I did.

I'm going to try doing this again soon. I think it will help my social anxiety and probably my work-related anxieties as well.