Who else but me would go to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) picnic, and then leave 20 minutes later because of an anxiety attack?
It does seem very ironic.
Maybe I could have stayed, and found someone to talk with about what was going on with me. In a way, I wish I would have done that. Maybe it would have helped. It would be nice to get over this someday.
It was especially discouraging since I hadn't had an anxiety attack in about 4 months. I really thought maybe I was attaining some sustained recovery around this. I have been going to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) Usually if I do some breathing, drink water, and do positive self-talk, I can get past the intense feelings of panic. But this time, all I wanted to do was get out right away. I thought someone was going to notice that I was starting to feel kind of disoriented & dizzy, and I thought I had a strange expression on my face. So I just left, and when I was about a half block away, I did start to feel better, although I felt disappointed.
I have a very hard time with large groups of people in an unstructured social environment. I feel like a complete dork in these situations. I go blank on how to act and what to say. I know it's not rational, but this is what happens for me. When I go back to therapy in September, I plan to see if we can set up some exposures of this type.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Things I Have Tried, Part III: Temp Work
There are some things that make temp jobs very appealing to me. After I took early retirement from the phone company, I worked at temp jobs for a while. It's not a perfect solution to my work-related fears and traumas, but it has some features that really work for me.
- Absence of office politics. As a temp, I felt pretty much exempt from the usual politics and pettiness found in offices. Many times, people wouldn't even know my name. I was "The Temp". I found that rather soothing.
- Short-term. You know it's not a life sentence. You will leave this place, probably sooner than later.
- Variety. There's built-in variety, going to all the different companies.
- Learning experiences. If you're a fast learner, like I am, then you'll be able to adapt to learning all the different systems and procedures at the various places where you temp.
- Easy work. Many assignments you receive as a temp are extremely easy. The stress level tends to be very low. If you can show up on time, do the work, and be at least minimally socially acceptable, then everyone will think you're a terrific Temp.
- Absence of office politics. As a temp, I felt pretty much exempt from the usual politics and pettiness found in offices. Many times, people wouldn't even know my name. I was "The Temp". I found that rather soothing.
- Short-term. You know it's not a life sentence. You will leave this place, probably sooner than later.
- Variety. There's built-in variety, going to all the different companies.
- Learning experiences. If you're a fast learner, like I am, then you'll be able to adapt to learning all the different systems and procedures at the various places where you temp.
- Easy work. Many assignments you receive as a temp are extremely easy. The stress level tends to be very low. If you can show up on time, do the work, and be at least minimally socially acceptable, then everyone will think you're a terrific Temp.
Things I Have Tried, Part II: College
When I was in my early twenties at the phone company, I noticed that the supervisors and managers seemed to be treated better than the "non-management" or "occupational" employees, as we were called. This was true even in the presence of a very strong Union.
The managers were treated like adults. They sometimes could even decide when to take a break, or when to go to lunch. They had their own desks, with a name plate. They got to travel to company meetings and stay in nice hotels. They were given the chance to make some decisions. Based on these observations, I decided that it would be worthwhile to try to make it into management.
At that time, I had been thinking about going back to college anyway, since it was interesting- I like studying, researching, writing papers, having meaningful discussions, and pretty much anything associated with a college environment.
At the phone company, not all the managers had college degrees, but most had some college, and it seemed to be a desired qualification. Almost all the people in middle or upper management had college degrees.
Plus, at that time, the company had a tuition assistance program for employees.
I enrolled at the local community college with the goal of an two year Associate Degree in Management. I achieved this goal four years later, working full time and going to school part time. I loved my classes. Today I can't even imagine having the energy to do that.
I made my supervisors aware that I was interested in management opportunities. I had some developmental assignments, and a couple years later, I was finally promoted into management. Later, at the age of 40, I completed my Bachelor's degree as well.
I could write a whole lot about my subsequent experiences. Here's the short version: I found out that first-level managers weren't treated all that fabulously, either. We weren't the ones making any major decisions. We still had to pretty much do what people higher than us told us to do. Plus, we had to work more hours, since we were salaried. It could be exhausting. My personal life suffered. I was being treated for depression the majority of the time.
On the plus side, I enjoyed the managerial work more than the work I performed as a clerical employee. It had some opportunity for problem solving and analysis. The pay was very good, as were the benefits.
It was going to be hard for me to change my life. Somewhere along the way, I lost my internal sense of self, or at least, I found it very hard to access the person I really was inside.
The managers were treated like adults. They sometimes could even decide when to take a break, or when to go to lunch. They had their own desks, with a name plate. They got to travel to company meetings and stay in nice hotels. They were given the chance to make some decisions. Based on these observations, I decided that it would be worthwhile to try to make it into management.
At that time, I had been thinking about going back to college anyway, since it was interesting- I like studying, researching, writing papers, having meaningful discussions, and pretty much anything associated with a college environment.
At the phone company, not all the managers had college degrees, but most had some college, and it seemed to be a desired qualification. Almost all the people in middle or upper management had college degrees.
Plus, at that time, the company had a tuition assistance program for employees.
I enrolled at the local community college with the goal of an two year Associate Degree in Management. I achieved this goal four years later, working full time and going to school part time. I loved my classes. Today I can't even imagine having the energy to do that.
I made my supervisors aware that I was interested in management opportunities. I had some developmental assignments, and a couple years later, I was finally promoted into management. Later, at the age of 40, I completed my Bachelor's degree as well.
I could write a whole lot about my subsequent experiences. Here's the short version: I found out that first-level managers weren't treated all that fabulously, either. We weren't the ones making any major decisions. We still had to pretty much do what people higher than us told us to do. Plus, we had to work more hours, since we were salaried. It could be exhausting. My personal life suffered. I was being treated for depression the majority of the time.
On the plus side, I enjoyed the managerial work more than the work I performed as a clerical employee. It had some opportunity for problem solving and analysis. The pay was very good, as were the benefits.
It was going to be hard for me to change my life. Somewhere along the way, I lost my internal sense of self, or at least, I found it very hard to access the person I really was inside.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Bad Job Dreams Decreasing
I want to share that I have had fewer nightmares/dreams about bad jobs lately. I'm not sure what is responsible for this improvement, but whatever it is, I'll take it.
By the way, I have a part-time temporary job in a non-profit office, and it's really OK. I don't dread going there each day. I rather like it. The work's easy, but that's OK too. It's not stressful, and that in itself is a blessing.
I have had nice dreams about my parents (who have passed away), my pets, traveling, nature, and things I enjoy. Wow! This is great.
By the way, I have a part-time temporary job in a non-profit office, and it's really OK. I don't dread going there each day. I rather like it. The work's easy, but that's OK too. It's not stressful, and that in itself is a blessing.
I have had nice dreams about my parents (who have passed away), my pets, traveling, nature, and things I enjoy. Wow! This is great.
Some of the Things I Have Tried- Part I
I think I was about 19 or 20 when I first became concerned about whether I would be able to acquire paid employment that would make sense for me. I wondered if there were jobs out there in the world in which I could feel like I was living my authentic life and not feel totally alienated or out of place.
I still wonder that today. That feeling never went away. I never found those places.
So now, I find myself semi-retired, but in need of additional income. I need to figure out a way to come up with something that will work for me.
Here are some of the things I have tried in the past:
When I was in my late teens, I discovered that when I performed mindless work and/or purely physical work, my mind was free. I was able to think about anything I wanted to think about. I liked that. I liked not selling my mind.
When I became a bit older, I began getting the message from people around me that I needed to look for a "better" job, something with "potential", something with higher status that wasn't a "dead end job".
The Phone Company: Since my older sister worked at a large telecommunications company that paid its employees relatively well and offered good benefits, I decided to apply there. I originally applied for janitorial work, since I had found that cleaning jobs afforded me the opportunity to enjoy freedom of thought, and also gave me good physical exercise.
Instead, I was offered the opportunity to apply for call center work. I decided to pursue that. I ended up staying with that company for twenty years. I was miserable most of the time. I kept transferring to different departments and different locations within the corporation, looking for something I might like. I made good money there, but most of the time I was very unhappy. This was a direct result of the work, because my life outside of work tended to be satisfying.
The only work assignment I liked in twenty years there was in Human Resources. I liked answering employee inquiries about HR matters, I liked coordinating training, and I liked the diversity programs. The people I worked with in that department were generally pretty nice, courteous people. That assignment was good for a few years, and then Downsizing arrived.
A normal person would ask "Why didn't you just leave?" That's a good question. I think I felt I was stuck because I was a single parent of a young son, the pay was above average for what I could expect in the job market, and it paid full medical benefits for me and my son.
I needed the medical benefits, because I was frequently having a number of physical ailments, as well as depression and anxiety attacks. I tried a number of different antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications over the years, with varying results.
Next time I'll tell about my experiences with Going Back to College.
I still wonder that today. That feeling never went away. I never found those places.
So now, I find myself semi-retired, but in need of additional income. I need to figure out a way to come up with something that will work for me.
Here are some of the things I have tried in the past:
When I was in my late teens, I discovered that when I performed mindless work and/or purely physical work, my mind was free. I was able to think about anything I wanted to think about. I liked that. I liked not selling my mind.
When I became a bit older, I began getting the message from people around me that I needed to look for a "better" job, something with "potential", something with higher status that wasn't a "dead end job".
The Phone Company: Since my older sister worked at a large telecommunications company that paid its employees relatively well and offered good benefits, I decided to apply there. I originally applied for janitorial work, since I had found that cleaning jobs afforded me the opportunity to enjoy freedom of thought, and also gave me good physical exercise.
Instead, I was offered the opportunity to apply for call center work. I decided to pursue that. I ended up staying with that company for twenty years. I was miserable most of the time. I kept transferring to different departments and different locations within the corporation, looking for something I might like. I made good money there, but most of the time I was very unhappy. This was a direct result of the work, because my life outside of work tended to be satisfying.
The only work assignment I liked in twenty years there was in Human Resources. I liked answering employee inquiries about HR matters, I liked coordinating training, and I liked the diversity programs. The people I worked with in that department were generally pretty nice, courteous people. That assignment was good for a few years, and then Downsizing arrived.
A normal person would ask "Why didn't you just leave?" That's a good question. I think I felt I was stuck because I was a single parent of a young son, the pay was above average for what I could expect in the job market, and it paid full medical benefits for me and my son.
I needed the medical benefits, because I was frequently having a number of physical ailments, as well as depression and anxiety attacks. I tried a number of different antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications over the years, with varying results.
Next time I'll tell about my experiences with Going Back to College.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Old Clothes, Dandelions, and Dumpster Diving
Over the past few years I have amassed quite a collection of almost-worn-out clothes. I have squirreled these away in my basement in case I am ever so impoverished that I can't afford to buy clothes at all (right now I am mainly obtaining clothing from thrift stores and free boxes/curb surfing, and adding items only when I feel that I really need them.) I figured maybe I shouldn't throw them away just yet- there may come a time when I will need them: either I won't be able to work, won't be able to find work, can't get adequate assistance, etc.
A variation on this theme is Eating Dandelions from the Yard. A few years ago I began to start preparing for Total Economic Collapse. I read all kinds of books about identifying edible wild plants, canning vegetables, seed saving, establishing permaculture, etc., and I put a great deal of this knowledge into practice, for example, raising chickens, fruit trees, and vegetable gardening. Now, a lot of this is just plain fun; in fact, permaculture, sustainable living, and frugal living have become quite fashionable in recent years. It's possible to garden quite cheaply, or quite expensively, depending on how one chooses to do it.
I also got into Dumpster Diving and Curb Surfing. You have to be careful with this, or you can actually end up with more stuff than you really need. Once we found an incredible dumpster in an affluent area of town. This dumpster was full of designer clothes, brand-new linens, pots and pans, fancy shampoos and soaps, and more. We filled our car with as much stuff as it could hold, and took it to a local group for homeless people.
One of my favorite frugal living tips is that whenever I'm tempted to buy something, I ask myself "How many hours of work would it take to buy this?" Needless to say, this is a great incentive to put the item back on the shelf.
A variation on this theme is Eating Dandelions from the Yard. A few years ago I began to start preparing for Total Economic Collapse. I read all kinds of books about identifying edible wild plants, canning vegetables, seed saving, establishing permaculture, etc., and I put a great deal of this knowledge into practice, for example, raising chickens, fruit trees, and vegetable gardening. Now, a lot of this is just plain fun; in fact, permaculture, sustainable living, and frugal living have become quite fashionable in recent years. It's possible to garden quite cheaply, or quite expensively, depending on how one chooses to do it.
I also got into Dumpster Diving and Curb Surfing. You have to be careful with this, or you can actually end up with more stuff than you really need. Once we found an incredible dumpster in an affluent area of town. This dumpster was full of designer clothes, brand-new linens, pots and pans, fancy shampoos and soaps, and more. We filled our car with as much stuff as it could hold, and took it to a local group for homeless people.
One of my favorite frugal living tips is that whenever I'm tempted to buy something, I ask myself "How many hours of work would it take to buy this?" Needless to say, this is a great incentive to put the item back on the shelf.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
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