Practicing Social Skills

One of my current personal goals is to improve my level of social skills. Specifically, I want to be able to meet new people comfortably, feel less self-conscious, and be able to make conversation with people.

I mostly do OK with people I already know, especially if they are friends of mine.

"New" people includes people that I have previously met, but that I do not know particularly well yet.

My usual social experience is to worry before a social event (what will happen, will people like me, maybe I should just stay home, etc.). Then, I feel anxious during the social event (wondering when to say something, being unsure if I am being socially acceptable, feeling self-conscious, feeling out of place, etc.). Finally, I worry after the social event is over (whether something I said was the wrong thing to have said, whether someone was rejecting me, maybe I should just not go back in the future, etc.) Needless to say, this pretty much sucks the life out of socializing! The anxiety occurs before, during, and after any social event.

I have more anxiety during unstructured interactions than structured interactions. For example, if I am in a class, most of that is pretty structured, so there's less anxiety for me in that type of situation. The more I know what to expect, and the more limited the interactions, the better I tend to feel about it.

The other day I went to a social gathering where many of the people were fairly new to me. I went there with the specific idea of going to a relatively unstructured social gathering. I played Scrabble there and talked to people a bit. There were a few times when I noticed how quiet I was. I felt bad about winning the game when I knew someone else really cared about winning a lot more than I did.

I'm going to try doing this again soon. I think it will help my social anxiety and probably my work-related anxieties as well.

Trying to Overcome Ergophobia

I thought I'd do a brief update on various things I am doing in an effort to deal with my ergophobia. Here are some of these things:

- Temporary part-time job. I'm doing this now. So far, so good. It is more of an exposure experience for me than a "real job", as it is not sustainable in terms of living wage or sufficient hours. Still, it's a good start. Thankfully my savings are not totally gone yet, and fortunately I have a supportive life partner.

- Volunteering. I have done this for about a year. I have had many experiences of social fear and anxiety, but I keep trying again.

- Health habits: I am trying to eat healthfully and exercise. I also take a number of vitamins and nutritional supplements, and I try to drink enough water and other healthful beverages.

- Therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, weekly. Some of it has addressed my agoraphobic symptoms, for example, I have practiced these activities: driving to unfamiliar places outside my comfort zone, riding public transportation, and calling temp agencies on the phone.

- Support groups and classes through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness.)

- Reading books and pamphlets about anxiety, depression, health, social skills development, etc.

- Vocational Rehabilitation: Just started recently. Getting started with them is a VERY slow process.

- Social Skills Development: I have decided to look for ways to improve my social skills.

Social Phobia Doll

 
 

When I was little, my parents gave me a doll called Shrinking Violette. Shrinking Violette was a talking doll- pull the string, and her mouth would move, and she would say "I'm afraid to talk to people", "I'm just afraid of everything!" "People are always so BIG!", and "I have butterflies in my tummy."

Looking back, I really wonder why my mom would think this was an appropriate present for me- I didn't even like dolls. I liked stuffed animals.  Maybe she thought I would be able to relate to Violette?

Underearners Anonymous

Yes, there really is a group called Underearners Anonymous, or UA, I guess.

Of course, I had to check this thing out, and I would definitely qualify for membership!

I wonder how many of the UA folks have ergophobia or social anxiety? I would imagine there would be quite a few that do.

Maybe I'll look into this. Or maybe not.....here's the link:

Underearners Anonymous Website

High Anxiety Because I Applied For a Job

On Friday I applied for a job that I am actually very interested in having.

Since then, I have had a very disturbing constant undercurrent of anxiety as I go about my daily activities. Let's see if I can describe the feelings. First of all, I find myself trying not to think about it, because of the anxiety and negative thoughts that may arise. Despite my attempt to suppress it, I have thoughts pop up constantly like, "I need better interview clothes", "I have no idea what I would say in an interview", "Maybe the job would be too difficult for me", "They probably wouldn't want to hire me", "I'm crazy", etc., etc. Then, I have moments of complete mental blankness, and forgetfulness, more than usual. And then more anxious thoughts of all kinds start to come in: past failures, thoughts and perceptions that may have been inaccurate, thoughts about my various physical ailments and health problems, etc.  It makes me want to shut my brain off entirely.

One thing that helped was watching a YouTube video with a really silly song. It was "Clint Eastwood Talking to a Chair". The silly song got stuck in my head, which crowded out the bad yucky job thoughts.

I Go To a Support Group & Have an Anxiety Attack

Who else but me would go to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) picnic, and then leave 20 minutes later because of an anxiety attack?

It does seem very ironic.

Maybe I could have stayed, and found someone to talk with about what was going on with me. In a way, I wish I would have done that. Maybe it would have helped. It would be nice to get over this someday.

It was especially discouraging since I hadn't had an anxiety attack in about 4 months. I really thought maybe I was attaining some sustained recovery around this. I have been going to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) Usually if I do some breathing, drink water, and do positive self-talk, I can get past the intense feelings of panic. But this time, all I wanted to do was get out right away. I thought someone was going to notice that I was starting to feel kind of disoriented & dizzy, and I thought I had a strange expression on my face. So I just left, and when I was about a half block away, I did start to feel better, although I felt disappointed.

I have a very hard time with large groups of people in an unstructured social environment. I feel like a complete dork in these situations. I go blank on how to act and what to say. I know it's not rational, but this is what happens for me. When I go back to therapy in September, I plan to see if we can set up some exposures of this type.

Things I Have Tried, Part III: Temp Work

There are some things that make temp jobs very appealing to me. After I took early retirement from the phone company, I worked at temp jobs for a while. It's not a perfect solution to my work-related fears and traumas, but it has some features that really work for me.

- Absence of office politics. As a temp, I felt pretty much exempt from the usual politics and pettiness found in offices. Many times, people wouldn't even know my name. I was "The Temp". I found that rather soothing.

- Short-term. You know it's not a life sentence. You will leave this place, probably sooner than later.

- Variety. There's built-in variety, going to all the different companies.

- Learning experiences. If you're a fast learner, like I am, then you'll be able to adapt to learning all the different systems and procedures at the various places where you temp.

- Easy work. Many assignments you receive as a temp are extremely easy. The stress level tends to be very low. If you can show up on time, do the work, and be at least minimally socially acceptable, then everyone will think you're a terrific Temp.