Many sources describe ergophobia as "fear of work." To me, this is not quite accurate.
If ergophobia was simply "fear of work," the sufferer would not do much of anything, and they would fear purposeful activities in general. This might be seen as laziness or being amotivational.
If ergophobia was the "fear of work," would the person with ergophobia mow their lawn, get their dishes done, do their laundry, wash the dog, or make home repairs? These activities are work, aren't they?
I submit that ergophobia is more precisely defined as "fear of employment", or "fear of the workplace."
I don't have much anxiety associated with home chores or things required for personal maintenance. It's employment, especially paid employment, that generates the anxiety, brings forth the bad memories, and messes with my self-esteem.
Now, there may be some overlap with ergophobia and other mental health challenges such as social anxiety, agoraphobia and the like. These conditions indeed may impact one's ability to go shopping, wash the dog, etc.
In general, however, I believe that ergophobia is "fear of the workplace." It's a complex constellation of fear around the kinds of situations and experiences that are associated with employment, jobs, and workplaces.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Bad Elevator Dream Again
Two nights ago I had the elevator nightmare again. It woke me up out of a sound sleep. I was so glad to wake up and get out of that dream.
In this dream, I suddenly realized I was in an elevator. There was another person, a stranger, who was also in the elevator. Voices from the outside were yelling, "Don't press any buttons!" just as he was pressing a button. He dashed out and escaped, leaving me alone.
Then I looked around, and the elevator had gotten smaller, and it was a wooden box about 5 feet across and 8 feet high, with only a little spool-like button on the wall. There wasn't much air in there, and I felt like I was suffocating. Then I woke up, thankfully.
These dreams often happen when I am thinking about workplaces a lot, or having negative feelings about them. So I see it as a signal to examine this.
In this dream, I suddenly realized I was in an elevator. There was another person, a stranger, who was also in the elevator. Voices from the outside were yelling, "Don't press any buttons!" just as he was pressing a button. He dashed out and escaped, leaving me alone.
Then I looked around, and the elevator had gotten smaller, and it was a wooden box about 5 feet across and 8 feet high, with only a little spool-like button on the wall. There wasn't much air in there, and I felt like I was suffocating. Then I woke up, thankfully.
These dreams often happen when I am thinking about workplaces a lot, or having negative feelings about them. So I see it as a signal to examine this.
My Work Hours Increased: 20 Hours a Week
As I have mentioned before, I am working at a temporary/transitional part time job at a non-profit that works with people with mental illness. I will now be working 20 hours a week (at first it was 10, then 15, and now 20.)
It will be interesting to see how this goes. I feel kind of optimistic about it. I like the idea of being able to work and actually be reasonably contented.
My work is mainly data entry, mailings/email, and general office tasks such as updating forms, filing, keeping supplies organized, etc. I've been told I'm doing a great job.
A few times there have been staff meetings (10 people), and I haven't said much, and felt awkward. I don't think I appeared as shy as I felt. Most of the other people weren't saying much either, though; it was mainly the Executive Director talking. I got a slightly queasy stomach which resulted in growling, rumbling sounds that I hoped nobody noticed. That happens to me a lot in group meetings.
There have been times in my life where I managed to express my opinions, whether or not they were similar to other people's opinions. Unfortunately I worry about being rejected on this basis. I know I often think differently from others around me. And I know I really don't get the social "rules"- what do I do about that?
It will be interesting to see how this goes. I feel kind of optimistic about it. I like the idea of being able to work and actually be reasonably contented.
My work is mainly data entry, mailings/email, and general office tasks such as updating forms, filing, keeping supplies organized, etc. I've been told I'm doing a great job.
A few times there have been staff meetings (10 people), and I haven't said much, and felt awkward. I don't think I appeared as shy as I felt. Most of the other people weren't saying much either, though; it was mainly the Executive Director talking. I got a slightly queasy stomach which resulted in growling, rumbling sounds that I hoped nobody noticed. That happens to me a lot in group meetings.
There have been times in my life where I managed to express my opinions, whether or not they were similar to other people's opinions. Unfortunately I worry about being rejected on this basis. I know I often think differently from others around me. And I know I really don't get the social "rules"- what do I do about that?
Friday, October 5, 2012
Work Fantasies
Most, if not all, of my work life has not been satisfying to me. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like/be like if that were different.
Sometimes I would have thoughts or fantasies about having a way to earn money that made me feel happy and good. These thoughts were usually accompanied by sad and wistful feelings, thinking that such a thing is not possible.
Often I would peruse school/university catalogs, thinking that maybe that would be the key or the ticket to happiness. I even got as far as applying to graduate school in Social Work. I was 41 years old at the time, and I had recently graduated from college. The hardest part was asking people for references. One of my references (former co-worker) never sent in her reference letter, which probably hurt my application, because it put me under the minimum number of references required. In any case, I wasn't accepted into graduate school, and I didn't try again.
Note: My problem is not necessarily lack of education, skills, or training. I have these, even if they are not in the areas where I might have been happier. My problem is more my inability to network, make social connections, promote & market myself, etc.
Another fantasy was careers in the arts or writing. Over the years I had written short stories, essays, and poetry, and occasionally would have them published. Usually the payment for this was a free copy of the literary magazine.
Later, when I had retired, I thought it would be fun to paint and do crafts. I have a fair amount of talent in this area- a good sense of color and design, and the ability to do innovative work. My old house was a big art installation. I had painted the walls in all different bright and unusual colors, and decorated the doors and cabinets with original paintings. I made floorcloths, baskets, fiber arts, jewelry, painted handbags, tie-dyes and other handmade things, and sold some of them.
Interestingly, the art-making started to feel like WORK. Then, I found I didn't enjoy it as much.
Here are some of my other work fantasies. Most are outside mainstream society. Mainstream society has not been a good fit for me.
- Tattoo Artist. I researched this about 25 years ago. You had to be someone's apprentice. I was too shy to ask anybody. Too bad- this field really skyrocketed, and I probably would have been pretty good at it.
- Organic Farmer/Herbalist. I've done this on a small scale, and I really enjoy this. My specialty is permaculture, although I don't have the fancy certifications that people were selling.
- Working in a Hippie Shop. This wouldn't pay well, but I would get to be in an environment that didn't suck. It would be aesthetically pleasing, and the music is nice, especially if it's Grateful Dead music.
- Bookstore Clerk, small independent low-to medium volume bookstore. I can picture myself doing that.
- Artsy Boutique Shop Clerk. (Kind of like Hippie Shop Clerk or Bookstore Clerk.)
- Hoodoo Rootworker/Psychic Reader & related gigs. I'm intuitive, and I'd be good at this. I have a fair amount of arcane knowledge.
- Aquatic Coach for Dogs. This is my current favorite job fantasy: to get paid to play with dogs in the water.
Sometimes I would have thoughts or fantasies about having a way to earn money that made me feel happy and good. These thoughts were usually accompanied by sad and wistful feelings, thinking that such a thing is not possible.
Often I would peruse school/university catalogs, thinking that maybe that would be the key or the ticket to happiness. I even got as far as applying to graduate school in Social Work. I was 41 years old at the time, and I had recently graduated from college. The hardest part was asking people for references. One of my references (former co-worker) never sent in her reference letter, which probably hurt my application, because it put me under the minimum number of references required. In any case, I wasn't accepted into graduate school, and I didn't try again.
Note: My problem is not necessarily lack of education, skills, or training. I have these, even if they are not in the areas where I might have been happier. My problem is more my inability to network, make social connections, promote & market myself, etc.
Another fantasy was careers in the arts or writing. Over the years I had written short stories, essays, and poetry, and occasionally would have them published. Usually the payment for this was a free copy of the literary magazine.
Later, when I had retired, I thought it would be fun to paint and do crafts. I have a fair amount of talent in this area- a good sense of color and design, and the ability to do innovative work. My old house was a big art installation. I had painted the walls in all different bright and unusual colors, and decorated the doors and cabinets with original paintings. I made floorcloths, baskets, fiber arts, jewelry, painted handbags, tie-dyes and other handmade things, and sold some of them.
Interestingly, the art-making started to feel like WORK. Then, I found I didn't enjoy it as much.
Here are some of my other work fantasies. Most are outside mainstream society. Mainstream society has not been a good fit for me.
- Tattoo Artist. I researched this about 25 years ago. You had to be someone's apprentice. I was too shy to ask anybody. Too bad- this field really skyrocketed, and I probably would have been pretty good at it.
- Organic Farmer/Herbalist. I've done this on a small scale, and I really enjoy this. My specialty is permaculture, although I don't have the fancy certifications that people were selling.
- Working in a Hippie Shop. This wouldn't pay well, but I would get to be in an environment that didn't suck. It would be aesthetically pleasing, and the music is nice, especially if it's Grateful Dead music.
- Bookstore Clerk, small independent low-to medium volume bookstore. I can picture myself doing that.
- Artsy Boutique Shop Clerk. (Kind of like Hippie Shop Clerk or Bookstore Clerk.)
- Hoodoo Rootworker/Psychic Reader & related gigs. I'm intuitive, and I'd be good at this. I have a fair amount of arcane knowledge.
- Aquatic Coach for Dogs. This is my current favorite job fantasy: to get paid to play with dogs in the water.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Conflict at Work Freaks Me Out
My little temp job is pretty mellow most of the time. However, today I was reminded of how badly I am affected by even being in the vicinity of any interpersonal conflict.
I just happened to overhear two people having a somewhat tense conversation about something they didn't quite agree on. Although their conversation had absolutely nothing to do with me personally, it immediately caused me to feel very tense, anxious, and uncertain about the safety of my environment.
There is probably a way for me to overcome this type of reaction; however, I am not sure how to do so yet.
I just happened to overhear two people having a somewhat tense conversation about something they didn't quite agree on. Although their conversation had absolutely nothing to do with me personally, it immediately caused me to feel very tense, anxious, and uncertain about the safety of my environment.
There is probably a way for me to overcome this type of reaction; however, I am not sure how to do so yet.
Wikipedia Article: Workplace Phobia
Wikipedia has an excellent article on Workplace Phobia. I could definitely relate to many of the examples given, such as:
- Avoidance behaviors develop.
- Avoidance can actually make the fear and anxiety more chronic (I stayed "retired" for several years because I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to a dysfunctional work environment.)
- I would avoid the areas of town associated with former workplaces. During Cognitive Behavior Therapy this year, I was finally able to stand across the street from a building where I used to work.
- Situational factors such as traumatic events in the workplace can precipitate workplace phobia (I had a number of events that fall into this category, including witnessing workplace violence, and the deaths of friends whom I worked with, including the suicide of a close co-worker.)
- Existing mental health concerns can morph into workplace phobia.
- Workplace phobia can result in early retirement. (That would be me, too!)
This article is one of the better ones I've seen on this subject.
- Avoidance behaviors develop.
- Avoidance can actually make the fear and anxiety more chronic (I stayed "retired" for several years because I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to a dysfunctional work environment.)
- I would avoid the areas of town associated with former workplaces. During Cognitive Behavior Therapy this year, I was finally able to stand across the street from a building where I used to work.
- Situational factors such as traumatic events in the workplace can precipitate workplace phobia (I had a number of events that fall into this category, including witnessing workplace violence, and the deaths of friends whom I worked with, including the suicide of a close co-worker.)
- Existing mental health concerns can morph into workplace phobia.
- Workplace phobia can result in early retirement. (That would be me, too!)
This article is one of the better ones I've seen on this subject.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Good Website on Social Anxiety
Today I found a good website on social anxiety. The author is Larry Cohen, a licensed clinical social worker in Washington, D. C.
An interesting feature of this website is Cohen's article about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people having vulnerability to social anxiety. He outlines some of the negative core beliefs that generate social anxiety, such as "I'm fundamentally different and don't fit in," "If someone got to know the real me, they wouldn't accept me," and "I'm not good enough to be accepted by the people I admire."
If you peruse his website, you'll find a number of valuable articles, and a link to an NPR story on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for social anxiety.
An interesting feature of this website is Cohen's article about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people having vulnerability to social anxiety. He outlines some of the negative core beliefs that generate social anxiety, such as "I'm fundamentally different and don't fit in," "If someone got to know the real me, they wouldn't accept me," and "I'm not good enough to be accepted by the people I admire."
If you peruse his website, you'll find a number of valuable articles, and a link to an NPR story on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for social anxiety.
Rejection Letter
The day before yesterday, I got a rejection letter for a job I applied for a few weeks ago.
Since then, I have had an increasing number of negative thoughts and a vague sense of anxiety, a feeling that something bad is going to happen to me. I try to counteract these thoughts, which reduces the tension to a lower level, but it doesn't fully go away.
I know that a big part of the problem was that I really wanted this particular job. Once a therapist suggested applying to jobs that I didn't really care if I got or not, for practice. Maybe I should try that again.
Over the past few years, whenever I would apply for jobs, I would have all sorts of bad feelings that manifest on a physical level: heartburn, dizziness, feeling like my breath is stuck and I can't catch my breath, feeling of unreality, etc. Even when I tried making phone calls to temp agencies in my therapist's office, I had to keep running to the bathroom, and had to drink a lot of water because my mouth kept going dry.
Since then, I have had an increasing number of negative thoughts and a vague sense of anxiety, a feeling that something bad is going to happen to me. I try to counteract these thoughts, which reduces the tension to a lower level, but it doesn't fully go away.
I know that a big part of the problem was that I really wanted this particular job. Once a therapist suggested applying to jobs that I didn't really care if I got or not, for practice. Maybe I should try that again.
Over the past few years, whenever I would apply for jobs, I would have all sorts of bad feelings that manifest on a physical level: heartburn, dizziness, feeling like my breath is stuck and I can't catch my breath, feeling of unreality, etc. Even when I tried making phone calls to temp agencies in my therapist's office, I had to keep running to the bathroom, and had to drink a lot of water because my mouth kept going dry.
Another Weird Work Dream
I hadn't had any bad or weird dreams involving workplaces lately, but I had one last night.
In this dream, I was required to take a qualifying test for some reason which hadn't been fully explained. The manager was one of my old co-workers, who was an uptight and workaholic type person.
To take the test, I had to go into a small, hot, windowless room. I asked if the test would be based on what we studied in training, and the manager said, "No, it's about your general knowledge."
The test itself was composed of random, multicolored pieces of glossy paper that looked like advertising flyers. The flyers had different questions printed on them- you had to look very carefully to find the questions. I don't recall the questions now. The pieces kept falling to the floor, and then I would pick them up and return them to the table.
So, I answered all the questions, and then went into a huge conference room with an enormous table surrounded by office-type chairs. The manager called me to the head of the table where she was sitting, and told me I didn't pass the test. I missed one question; a 96% was required to pass, and I had a score of 94%.
I asked the manager which question I had missed, and she produced a light blue glossy piece of paper with a picture of a dolphin, and told me "You forgot to answer this one." (For some reason, the symbology of dolphins has something to do with missed opportunities and unrealized fulfillment for me. I have had this come up in dreams before.)
I asked what the test would be used for; she was vague, and said, "Well, that depends....." I then reminded her of my upcoming departure date from the company, and I asked her if the test would be useful for anything else. She looked thoughtful for a moment, and said, "Well, I'm not really sure."
The last part of the dream I remember was that I was looking for the exit, and couldn't find it.
In this dream, I was required to take a qualifying test for some reason which hadn't been fully explained. The manager was one of my old co-workers, who was an uptight and workaholic type person.
To take the test, I had to go into a small, hot, windowless room. I asked if the test would be based on what we studied in training, and the manager said, "No, it's about your general knowledge."
The test itself was composed of random, multicolored pieces of glossy paper that looked like advertising flyers. The flyers had different questions printed on them- you had to look very carefully to find the questions. I don't recall the questions now. The pieces kept falling to the floor, and then I would pick them up and return them to the table.
So, I answered all the questions, and then went into a huge conference room with an enormous table surrounded by office-type chairs. The manager called me to the head of the table where she was sitting, and told me I didn't pass the test. I missed one question; a 96% was required to pass, and I had a score of 94%.
I asked the manager which question I had missed, and she produced a light blue glossy piece of paper with a picture of a dolphin, and told me "You forgot to answer this one." (For some reason, the symbology of dolphins has something to do with missed opportunities and unrealized fulfillment for me. I have had this come up in dreams before.)
I asked what the test would be used for; she was vague, and said, "Well, that depends....." I then reminded her of my upcoming departure date from the company, and I asked her if the test would be useful for anything else. She looked thoughtful for a moment, and said, "Well, I'm not really sure."
The last part of the dream I remember was that I was looking for the exit, and couldn't find it.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Practicing Social Skills
One of my current personal goals is to improve my level of social skills. Specifically, I want to be able to meet new people comfortably, feel less self-conscious, and be able to make conversation with people.
I mostly do OK with people I already know, especially if they are friends of mine.
"New" people includes people that I have previously met, but that I do not know particularly well yet.
My usual social experience is to worry before a social event (what will happen, will people like me, maybe I should just stay home, etc.). Then, I feel anxious during the social event (wondering when to say something, being unsure if I am being socially acceptable, feeling self-conscious, feeling out of place, etc.). Finally, I worry after the social event is over (whether something I said was the wrong thing to have said, whether someone was rejecting me, maybe I should just not go back in the future, etc.) Needless to say, this pretty much sucks the life out of socializing! The anxiety occurs before, during, and after any social event.
I have more anxiety during unstructured interactions than structured interactions. For example, if I am in a class, most of that is pretty structured, so there's less anxiety for me in that type of situation. The more I know what to expect, and the more limited the interactions, the better I tend to feel about it.
The other day I went to a social gathering where many of the people were fairly new to me. I went there with the specific idea of going to a relatively unstructured social gathering. I played Scrabble there and talked to people a bit. There were a few times when I noticed how quiet I was. I felt bad about winning the game when I knew someone else really cared about winning a lot more than I did.
I'm going to try doing this again soon. I think it will help my social anxiety and probably my work-related anxieties as well.
I mostly do OK with people I already know, especially if they are friends of mine.
"New" people includes people that I have previously met, but that I do not know particularly well yet.
My usual social experience is to worry before a social event (what will happen, will people like me, maybe I should just stay home, etc.). Then, I feel anxious during the social event (wondering when to say something, being unsure if I am being socially acceptable, feeling self-conscious, feeling out of place, etc.). Finally, I worry after the social event is over (whether something I said was the wrong thing to have said, whether someone was rejecting me, maybe I should just not go back in the future, etc.) Needless to say, this pretty much sucks the life out of socializing! The anxiety occurs before, during, and after any social event.
I have more anxiety during unstructured interactions than structured interactions. For example, if I am in a class, most of that is pretty structured, so there's less anxiety for me in that type of situation. The more I know what to expect, and the more limited the interactions, the better I tend to feel about it.
The other day I went to a social gathering where many of the people were fairly new to me. I went there with the specific idea of going to a relatively unstructured social gathering. I played Scrabble there and talked to people a bit. There were a few times when I noticed how quiet I was. I felt bad about winning the game when I knew someone else really cared about winning a lot more than I did.
I'm going to try doing this again soon. I think it will help my social anxiety and probably my work-related anxieties as well.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Trying to Overcome Ergophobia
I thought I'd do a brief update on various things I am doing in an effort to deal with my ergophobia. Here are some of these things:
- Temporary part-time job. I'm doing this now. So far, so good. It is more of an exposure experience for me than a "real job", as it is not sustainable in terms of living wage or sufficient hours. Still, it's a good start. Thankfully my savings are not totally gone yet, and fortunately I have a supportive life partner.
- Volunteering. I have done this for about a year. I have had many experiences of social fear and anxiety, but I keep trying again.
- Health habits: I am trying to eat healthfully and exercise. I also take a number of vitamins and nutritional supplements, and I try to drink enough water and other healthful beverages.
- Therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, weekly. Some of it has addressed my agoraphobic symptoms, for example, I have practiced these activities: driving to unfamiliar places outside my comfort zone, riding public transportation, and calling temp agencies on the phone.
- Support groups and classes through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness.)
- Reading books and pamphlets about anxiety, depression, health, social skills development, etc.
- Vocational Rehabilitation: Just started recently. Getting started with them is a VERY slow process.
- Social Skills Development: I have decided to look for ways to improve my social skills.
- Temporary part-time job. I'm doing this now. So far, so good. It is more of an exposure experience for me than a "real job", as it is not sustainable in terms of living wage or sufficient hours. Still, it's a good start. Thankfully my savings are not totally gone yet, and fortunately I have a supportive life partner.
- Volunteering. I have done this for about a year. I have had many experiences of social fear and anxiety, but I keep trying again.
- Health habits: I am trying to eat healthfully and exercise. I also take a number of vitamins and nutritional supplements, and I try to drink enough water and other healthful beverages.
- Therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, weekly. Some of it has addressed my agoraphobic symptoms, for example, I have practiced these activities: driving to unfamiliar places outside my comfort zone, riding public transportation, and calling temp agencies on the phone.
- Support groups and classes through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness.)
- Reading books and pamphlets about anxiety, depression, health, social skills development, etc.
- Vocational Rehabilitation: Just started recently. Getting started with them is a VERY slow process.
- Social Skills Development: I have decided to look for ways to improve my social skills.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Social Phobia Doll
When I was little, my parents gave me a doll called Shrinking Violette. Shrinking Violette was a talking doll- pull the string, and her mouth would move, and she would say "I'm afraid to talk to people", "I'm just afraid of everything!" "People are always so BIG!", and "I have butterflies in my tummy."
Looking back, I really wonder why my mom would think this was an appropriate present for me- I didn't even like dolls. I liked stuffed animals. Maybe she thought I would be able to relate to Violette?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Underearners Anonymous
Yes, there really is a group called Underearners Anonymous, or UA, I guess.
Of course, I had to check this thing out, and I would definitely qualify for membership!
I wonder how many of the UA folks have ergophobia or social anxiety? I would imagine there would be quite a few that do.
Maybe I'll look into this. Or maybe not.....here's the link:
Underearners Anonymous Website
Of course, I had to check this thing out, and I would definitely qualify for membership!
I wonder how many of the UA folks have ergophobia or social anxiety? I would imagine there would be quite a few that do.
Maybe I'll look into this. Or maybe not.....here's the link:
Underearners Anonymous Website
High Anxiety Because I Applied For a Job
On Friday I applied for a job that I am actually very interested in having.
Since then, I have had a very disturbing constant undercurrent of anxiety as I go about my daily activities. Let's see if I can describe the feelings. First of all, I find myself trying not to think about it, because of the anxiety and negative thoughts that may arise. Despite my attempt to suppress it, I have thoughts pop up constantly like, "I need better interview clothes", "I have no idea what I would say in an interview", "Maybe the job would be too difficult for me", "They probably wouldn't want to hire me", "I'm crazy", etc., etc. Then, I have moments of complete mental blankness, and forgetfulness, more than usual. And then more anxious thoughts of all kinds start to come in: past failures, thoughts and perceptions that may have been inaccurate, thoughts about my various physical ailments and health problems, etc. It makes me want to shut my brain off entirely.
One thing that helped was watching a YouTube video with a really silly song. It was "Clint Eastwood Talking to a Chair". The silly song got stuck in my head, which crowded out the bad yucky job thoughts.
Since then, I have had a very disturbing constant undercurrent of anxiety as I go about my daily activities. Let's see if I can describe the feelings. First of all, I find myself trying not to think about it, because of the anxiety and negative thoughts that may arise. Despite my attempt to suppress it, I have thoughts pop up constantly like, "I need better interview clothes", "I have no idea what I would say in an interview", "Maybe the job would be too difficult for me", "They probably wouldn't want to hire me", "I'm crazy", etc., etc. Then, I have moments of complete mental blankness, and forgetfulness, more than usual. And then more anxious thoughts of all kinds start to come in: past failures, thoughts and perceptions that may have been inaccurate, thoughts about my various physical ailments and health problems, etc. It makes me want to shut my brain off entirely.
One thing that helped was watching a YouTube video with a really silly song. It was "Clint Eastwood Talking to a Chair". The silly song got stuck in my head, which crowded out the bad yucky job thoughts.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I Go To a Support Group & Have an Anxiety Attack
Who else but me would go to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) picnic, and then leave 20 minutes later because of an anxiety attack?
It does seem very ironic.
Maybe I could have stayed, and found someone to talk with about what was going on with me. In a way, I wish I would have done that. Maybe it would have helped. It would be nice to get over this someday.
It was especially discouraging since I hadn't had an anxiety attack in about 4 months. I really thought maybe I was attaining some sustained recovery around this. I have been going to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) Usually if I do some breathing, drink water, and do positive self-talk, I can get past the intense feelings of panic. But this time, all I wanted to do was get out right away. I thought someone was going to notice that I was starting to feel kind of disoriented & dizzy, and I thought I had a strange expression on my face. So I just left, and when I was about a half block away, I did start to feel better, although I felt disappointed.
I have a very hard time with large groups of people in an unstructured social environment. I feel like a complete dork in these situations. I go blank on how to act and what to say. I know it's not rational, but this is what happens for me. When I go back to therapy in September, I plan to see if we can set up some exposures of this type.
It does seem very ironic.
Maybe I could have stayed, and found someone to talk with about what was going on with me. In a way, I wish I would have done that. Maybe it would have helped. It would be nice to get over this someday.
It was especially discouraging since I hadn't had an anxiety attack in about 4 months. I really thought maybe I was attaining some sustained recovery around this. I have been going to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) Usually if I do some breathing, drink water, and do positive self-talk, I can get past the intense feelings of panic. But this time, all I wanted to do was get out right away. I thought someone was going to notice that I was starting to feel kind of disoriented & dizzy, and I thought I had a strange expression on my face. So I just left, and when I was about a half block away, I did start to feel better, although I felt disappointed.
I have a very hard time with large groups of people in an unstructured social environment. I feel like a complete dork in these situations. I go blank on how to act and what to say. I know it's not rational, but this is what happens for me. When I go back to therapy in September, I plan to see if we can set up some exposures of this type.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Things I Have Tried, Part III: Temp Work
There are some things that make temp jobs very appealing to me. After I took early retirement from the phone company, I worked at temp jobs for a while. It's not a perfect solution to my work-related fears and traumas, but it has some features that really work for me.
- Absence of office politics. As a temp, I felt pretty much exempt from the usual politics and pettiness found in offices. Many times, people wouldn't even know my name. I was "The Temp". I found that rather soothing.
- Short-term. You know it's not a life sentence. You will leave this place, probably sooner than later.
- Variety. There's built-in variety, going to all the different companies.
- Learning experiences. If you're a fast learner, like I am, then you'll be able to adapt to learning all the different systems and procedures at the various places where you temp.
- Easy work. Many assignments you receive as a temp are extremely easy. The stress level tends to be very low. If you can show up on time, do the work, and be at least minimally socially acceptable, then everyone will think you're a terrific Temp.
- Absence of office politics. As a temp, I felt pretty much exempt from the usual politics and pettiness found in offices. Many times, people wouldn't even know my name. I was "The Temp". I found that rather soothing.
- Short-term. You know it's not a life sentence. You will leave this place, probably sooner than later.
- Variety. There's built-in variety, going to all the different companies.
- Learning experiences. If you're a fast learner, like I am, then you'll be able to adapt to learning all the different systems and procedures at the various places where you temp.
- Easy work. Many assignments you receive as a temp are extremely easy. The stress level tends to be very low. If you can show up on time, do the work, and be at least minimally socially acceptable, then everyone will think you're a terrific Temp.
Things I Have Tried, Part II: College
When I was in my early twenties at the phone company, I noticed that the supervisors and managers seemed to be treated better than the "non-management" or "occupational" employees, as we were called. This was true even in the presence of a very strong Union.
The managers were treated like adults. They sometimes could even decide when to take a break, or when to go to lunch. They had their own desks, with a name plate. They got to travel to company meetings and stay in nice hotels. They were given the chance to make some decisions. Based on these observations, I decided that it would be worthwhile to try to make it into management.
At that time, I had been thinking about going back to college anyway, since it was interesting- I like studying, researching, writing papers, having meaningful discussions, and pretty much anything associated with a college environment.
At the phone company, not all the managers had college degrees, but most had some college, and it seemed to be a desired qualification. Almost all the people in middle or upper management had college degrees.
Plus, at that time, the company had a tuition assistance program for employees.
I enrolled at the local community college with the goal of an two year Associate Degree in Management. I achieved this goal four years later, working full time and going to school part time. I loved my classes. Today I can't even imagine having the energy to do that.
I made my supervisors aware that I was interested in management opportunities. I had some developmental assignments, and a couple years later, I was finally promoted into management. Later, at the age of 40, I completed my Bachelor's degree as well.
I could write a whole lot about my subsequent experiences. Here's the short version: I found out that first-level managers weren't treated all that fabulously, either. We weren't the ones making any major decisions. We still had to pretty much do what people higher than us told us to do. Plus, we had to work more hours, since we were salaried. It could be exhausting. My personal life suffered. I was being treated for depression the majority of the time.
On the plus side, I enjoyed the managerial work more than the work I performed as a clerical employee. It had some opportunity for problem solving and analysis. The pay was very good, as were the benefits.
It was going to be hard for me to change my life. Somewhere along the way, I lost my internal sense of self, or at least, I found it very hard to access the person I really was inside.
The managers were treated like adults. They sometimes could even decide when to take a break, or when to go to lunch. They had their own desks, with a name plate. They got to travel to company meetings and stay in nice hotels. They were given the chance to make some decisions. Based on these observations, I decided that it would be worthwhile to try to make it into management.
At that time, I had been thinking about going back to college anyway, since it was interesting- I like studying, researching, writing papers, having meaningful discussions, and pretty much anything associated with a college environment.
At the phone company, not all the managers had college degrees, but most had some college, and it seemed to be a desired qualification. Almost all the people in middle or upper management had college degrees.
Plus, at that time, the company had a tuition assistance program for employees.
I enrolled at the local community college with the goal of an two year Associate Degree in Management. I achieved this goal four years later, working full time and going to school part time. I loved my classes. Today I can't even imagine having the energy to do that.
I made my supervisors aware that I was interested in management opportunities. I had some developmental assignments, and a couple years later, I was finally promoted into management. Later, at the age of 40, I completed my Bachelor's degree as well.
I could write a whole lot about my subsequent experiences. Here's the short version: I found out that first-level managers weren't treated all that fabulously, either. We weren't the ones making any major decisions. We still had to pretty much do what people higher than us told us to do. Plus, we had to work more hours, since we were salaried. It could be exhausting. My personal life suffered. I was being treated for depression the majority of the time.
On the plus side, I enjoyed the managerial work more than the work I performed as a clerical employee. It had some opportunity for problem solving and analysis. The pay was very good, as were the benefits.
It was going to be hard for me to change my life. Somewhere along the way, I lost my internal sense of self, or at least, I found it very hard to access the person I really was inside.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Bad Job Dreams Decreasing
I want to share that I have had fewer nightmares/dreams about bad jobs lately. I'm not sure what is responsible for this improvement, but whatever it is, I'll take it.
By the way, I have a part-time temporary job in a non-profit office, and it's really OK. I don't dread going there each day. I rather like it. The work's easy, but that's OK too. It's not stressful, and that in itself is a blessing.
I have had nice dreams about my parents (who have passed away), my pets, traveling, nature, and things I enjoy. Wow! This is great.
By the way, I have a part-time temporary job in a non-profit office, and it's really OK. I don't dread going there each day. I rather like it. The work's easy, but that's OK too. It's not stressful, and that in itself is a blessing.
I have had nice dreams about my parents (who have passed away), my pets, traveling, nature, and things I enjoy. Wow! This is great.
Some of the Things I Have Tried- Part I
I think I was about 19 or 20 when I first became concerned about whether I would be able to acquire paid employment that would make sense for me. I wondered if there were jobs out there in the world in which I could feel like I was living my authentic life and not feel totally alienated or out of place.
I still wonder that today. That feeling never went away. I never found those places.
So now, I find myself semi-retired, but in need of additional income. I need to figure out a way to come up with something that will work for me.
Here are some of the things I have tried in the past:
When I was in my late teens, I discovered that when I performed mindless work and/or purely physical work, my mind was free. I was able to think about anything I wanted to think about. I liked that. I liked not selling my mind.
When I became a bit older, I began getting the message from people around me that I needed to look for a "better" job, something with "potential", something with higher status that wasn't a "dead end job".
The Phone Company: Since my older sister worked at a large telecommunications company that paid its employees relatively well and offered good benefits, I decided to apply there. I originally applied for janitorial work, since I had found that cleaning jobs afforded me the opportunity to enjoy freedom of thought, and also gave me good physical exercise.
Instead, I was offered the opportunity to apply for call center work. I decided to pursue that. I ended up staying with that company for twenty years. I was miserable most of the time. I kept transferring to different departments and different locations within the corporation, looking for something I might like. I made good money there, but most of the time I was very unhappy. This was a direct result of the work, because my life outside of work tended to be satisfying.
The only work assignment I liked in twenty years there was in Human Resources. I liked answering employee inquiries about HR matters, I liked coordinating training, and I liked the diversity programs. The people I worked with in that department were generally pretty nice, courteous people. That assignment was good for a few years, and then Downsizing arrived.
A normal person would ask "Why didn't you just leave?" That's a good question. I think I felt I was stuck because I was a single parent of a young son, the pay was above average for what I could expect in the job market, and it paid full medical benefits for me and my son.
I needed the medical benefits, because I was frequently having a number of physical ailments, as well as depression and anxiety attacks. I tried a number of different antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications over the years, with varying results.
Next time I'll tell about my experiences with Going Back to College.
I still wonder that today. That feeling never went away. I never found those places.
So now, I find myself semi-retired, but in need of additional income. I need to figure out a way to come up with something that will work for me.
Here are some of the things I have tried in the past:
When I was in my late teens, I discovered that when I performed mindless work and/or purely physical work, my mind was free. I was able to think about anything I wanted to think about. I liked that. I liked not selling my mind.
When I became a bit older, I began getting the message from people around me that I needed to look for a "better" job, something with "potential", something with higher status that wasn't a "dead end job".
The Phone Company: Since my older sister worked at a large telecommunications company that paid its employees relatively well and offered good benefits, I decided to apply there. I originally applied for janitorial work, since I had found that cleaning jobs afforded me the opportunity to enjoy freedom of thought, and also gave me good physical exercise.
Instead, I was offered the opportunity to apply for call center work. I decided to pursue that. I ended up staying with that company for twenty years. I was miserable most of the time. I kept transferring to different departments and different locations within the corporation, looking for something I might like. I made good money there, but most of the time I was very unhappy. This was a direct result of the work, because my life outside of work tended to be satisfying.
The only work assignment I liked in twenty years there was in Human Resources. I liked answering employee inquiries about HR matters, I liked coordinating training, and I liked the diversity programs. The people I worked with in that department were generally pretty nice, courteous people. That assignment was good for a few years, and then Downsizing arrived.
A normal person would ask "Why didn't you just leave?" That's a good question. I think I felt I was stuck because I was a single parent of a young son, the pay was above average for what I could expect in the job market, and it paid full medical benefits for me and my son.
I needed the medical benefits, because I was frequently having a number of physical ailments, as well as depression and anxiety attacks. I tried a number of different antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications over the years, with varying results.
Next time I'll tell about my experiences with Going Back to College.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Old Clothes, Dandelions, and Dumpster Diving
Over the past few years I have amassed quite a collection of almost-worn-out clothes. I have squirreled these away in my basement in case I am ever so impoverished that I can't afford to buy clothes at all (right now I am mainly obtaining clothing from thrift stores and free boxes/curb surfing, and adding items only when I feel that I really need them.) I figured maybe I shouldn't throw them away just yet- there may come a time when I will need them: either I won't be able to work, won't be able to find work, can't get adequate assistance, etc.
A variation on this theme is Eating Dandelions from the Yard. A few years ago I began to start preparing for Total Economic Collapse. I read all kinds of books about identifying edible wild plants, canning vegetables, seed saving, establishing permaculture, etc., and I put a great deal of this knowledge into practice, for example, raising chickens, fruit trees, and vegetable gardening. Now, a lot of this is just plain fun; in fact, permaculture, sustainable living, and frugal living have become quite fashionable in recent years. It's possible to garden quite cheaply, or quite expensively, depending on how one chooses to do it.
I also got into Dumpster Diving and Curb Surfing. You have to be careful with this, or you can actually end up with more stuff than you really need. Once we found an incredible dumpster in an affluent area of town. This dumpster was full of designer clothes, brand-new linens, pots and pans, fancy shampoos and soaps, and more. We filled our car with as much stuff as it could hold, and took it to a local group for homeless people.
One of my favorite frugal living tips is that whenever I'm tempted to buy something, I ask myself "How many hours of work would it take to buy this?" Needless to say, this is a great incentive to put the item back on the shelf.
A variation on this theme is Eating Dandelions from the Yard. A few years ago I began to start preparing for Total Economic Collapse. I read all kinds of books about identifying edible wild plants, canning vegetables, seed saving, establishing permaculture, etc., and I put a great deal of this knowledge into practice, for example, raising chickens, fruit trees, and vegetable gardening. Now, a lot of this is just plain fun; in fact, permaculture, sustainable living, and frugal living have become quite fashionable in recent years. It's possible to garden quite cheaply, or quite expensively, depending on how one chooses to do it.
I also got into Dumpster Diving and Curb Surfing. You have to be careful with this, or you can actually end up with more stuff than you really need. Once we found an incredible dumpster in an affluent area of town. This dumpster was full of designer clothes, brand-new linens, pots and pans, fancy shampoos and soaps, and more. We filled our car with as much stuff as it could hold, and took it to a local group for homeless people.
One of my favorite frugal living tips is that whenever I'm tempted to buy something, I ask myself "How many hours of work would it take to buy this?" Needless to say, this is a great incentive to put the item back on the shelf.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Dealing With Difficult People
When I was at U. S. Worst Telecommunications, I attended a seminar by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner, Dealing With Difficult People. I just found a slideshow from this presentation-click on the previous link to go there.
Obviously I need to review this material!
Obviously I need to review this material!
Social Phobia, Anxiety, and Ergophobia
My therapist suggested that I set aside 15 minutes a day for worrying, and to postpone any potential worries until that scheduled worry time. Well, I wasn't able to do that today.
Today someone was rude to me at my volunteer job and it totally shot my day to hell. For the entire rest of the day, I was unable to relax or enjoy my usual activities. I spent most of my day wondering why I react this way, whether I will ever be able to comfortably interact in regular everyday social situations, whether maybe I really don't like most people after all and I should just go back to being a hermit, etc., etc. It's time for bed, and I'm still up feeling all agitated. My back muscles are so tight that even shifting positions in my chair hurts.
I am so tired of this. I realize that I am making progress: I go out in public, I volunteer, I go to support groups, I see friends occasionally. I'm able to drive across town. I even got a part-time temp job- finally- and I start tomorrow. (I'll tell more about that sometime, maybe.) I'm just not making enough progress to achieve my idea of what a somewhat normal life would look like for me.
There were times in my life, maybe 15 or 20 years ago, when I could just think that people were bozos and then I could move on. Why can't I do that any more? It almost seems like I had a certain amount of capacity to deal with social unpleasantness, and I have exhausted the entire amount of capability I had- I exceeded my lifetime limit, and it's just plain gone. That's how it feels.
Today I was worrying about how I can ever hold a job successfully if I can't deal with other people evaluating me, or criticizing me, or saying anything that even remotely seems negative, or even looking at me the wrong way. I guess I'll just have to try.
Today someone was rude to me at my volunteer job and it totally shot my day to hell. For the entire rest of the day, I was unable to relax or enjoy my usual activities. I spent most of my day wondering why I react this way, whether I will ever be able to comfortably interact in regular everyday social situations, whether maybe I really don't like most people after all and I should just go back to being a hermit, etc., etc. It's time for bed, and I'm still up feeling all agitated. My back muscles are so tight that even shifting positions in my chair hurts.
I am so tired of this. I realize that I am making progress: I go out in public, I volunteer, I go to support groups, I see friends occasionally. I'm able to drive across town. I even got a part-time temp job- finally- and I start tomorrow. (I'll tell more about that sometime, maybe.) I'm just not making enough progress to achieve my idea of what a somewhat normal life would look like for me.
There were times in my life, maybe 15 or 20 years ago, when I could just think that people were bozos and then I could move on. Why can't I do that any more? It almost seems like I had a certain amount of capacity to deal with social unpleasantness, and I have exhausted the entire amount of capability I had- I exceeded my lifetime limit, and it's just plain gone. That's how it feels.
Today I was worrying about how I can ever hold a job successfully if I can't deal with other people evaluating me, or criticizing me, or saying anything that even remotely seems negative, or even looking at me the wrong way. I guess I'll just have to try.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
WHY Did I Want To Avoid Them (Co-workers)
I was just re-reading my post about co-worker avoidance, which caused me to pose an interesting question to myself: exactly why did I want to avoid these people? Also, I asked myself if the avoidance involved all people, or just some people.
I'll answer the second question first: The truth is that I only want to avoid some people, not all people. I think that was true ten years ago, or twenty years ago, as well as today. It's not based on shyness alone, although I am somewhat shy.
OK, then which people do I want to avoid, and why?
I want to avoid people who are trying to impress others with displays of social status or materialism. For example, when I worked in corporations, I frequently was around people who made a big deal out of shopping at expensive stores, eating at trendy high-priced restaurants, fancy overseas travel, and this sort of thing. Furthermore, I didn't get the sense that they deeply ENJOYED any of this on any real level, rather, they wanted to impress others with the prestige or status they felt was associated with these activities.
I am uncomfortable around the sort of women who perform stereotypical femininity to an extreme degree and assume that all female people aspire to the same. Likewise, I am uncomfortable around their macho-man counterparts.
I get completely lost and confused in the company of people who are immersed in mainstream pop culture. Usually I have NO idea about the TV shows, movies, and pop stars they are talking about.
I was never a particularly good corporate team player, and I didn't understand people who were. They reminded me of the people called "Soshes" in high school. I think they call them "Preps" now. While I cared about the work I performed, I didn't care for trying to promote my image in the workplace, competing with others, or networking for the sake of networking. I strongly dislike office politics.
Maybe it goes without saying (or maybe it doesn't), but I definitely don't want to be around sexists, racists, homophobes, or people who want to force their religion on everyone else. Nor do I seek the company of rude people, obnoxious people, arrogant jerks, and the like.
I actually enjoy being around people who are intelligent, thoughtful, and just plain nice!
I'll answer the second question first: The truth is that I only want to avoid some people, not all people. I think that was true ten years ago, or twenty years ago, as well as today. It's not based on shyness alone, although I am somewhat shy.
OK, then which people do I want to avoid, and why?
I want to avoid people who are trying to impress others with displays of social status or materialism. For example, when I worked in corporations, I frequently was around people who made a big deal out of shopping at expensive stores, eating at trendy high-priced restaurants, fancy overseas travel, and this sort of thing. Furthermore, I didn't get the sense that they deeply ENJOYED any of this on any real level, rather, they wanted to impress others with the prestige or status they felt was associated with these activities.
I am uncomfortable around the sort of women who perform stereotypical femininity to an extreme degree and assume that all female people aspire to the same. Likewise, I am uncomfortable around their macho-man counterparts.
I get completely lost and confused in the company of people who are immersed in mainstream pop culture. Usually I have NO idea about the TV shows, movies, and pop stars they are talking about.
I was never a particularly good corporate team player, and I didn't understand people who were. They reminded me of the people called "Soshes" in high school. I think they call them "Preps" now. While I cared about the work I performed, I didn't care for trying to promote my image in the workplace, competing with others, or networking for the sake of networking. I strongly dislike office politics.
Maybe it goes without saying (or maybe it doesn't), but I definitely don't want to be around sexists, racists, homophobes, or people who want to force their religion on everyone else. Nor do I seek the company of rude people, obnoxious people, arrogant jerks, and the like.
I actually enjoy being around people who are intelligent, thoughtful, and just plain nice!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Avoiding My Co-Workers
I often felt so uncomfortable interacting with co-workers that I devised all sorts of ways to avoid them.
One of my favorite methods of co-worker avoidance was to spend every single break and lunch hour studying. When anyone would ask me to lunch, I would always say I had to study for a test in accounting, statistics, economics or some other tough-sounding subject. This would usually elicit sympathy and a quick departure.
The fact that it took me over 15 years to graduate from college helped make this a very effective ruse indeed.
I also would make frequent lunch hour trips to libraries and bookstores to obtain "books I needed for classes."
I went on lots of exercise regimes that required me to be out walking during the lunch hour.
When I was in management positions, I simply worked through lunch most of the time.
During my last few years in the workforce, I finally figured out that it was helpful to have a few "safe" topics of general interest that would help me attempt to actually interact with people. Gardening, pets, kids and food (nothing too exotic) usually seemed to work pretty well. I was also mindful to steer clear of topics like beat poetry, philosophy, dumpster diving, politics, gay/lesbian issues- the kinds of things that really interest me-- I felt that I had to be self-censoring all the time to even be marginally accepted in the workplace. This level of alienation creates a constant feeling of anxiety and tension.
One of my favorite methods of co-worker avoidance was to spend every single break and lunch hour studying. When anyone would ask me to lunch, I would always say I had to study for a test in accounting, statistics, economics or some other tough-sounding subject. This would usually elicit sympathy and a quick departure.
The fact that it took me over 15 years to graduate from college helped make this a very effective ruse indeed.
I also would make frequent lunch hour trips to libraries and bookstores to obtain "books I needed for classes."
I went on lots of exercise regimes that required me to be out walking during the lunch hour.
When I was in management positions, I simply worked through lunch most of the time.
During my last few years in the workforce, I finally figured out that it was helpful to have a few "safe" topics of general interest that would help me attempt to actually interact with people. Gardening, pets, kids and food (nothing too exotic) usually seemed to work pretty well. I was also mindful to steer clear of topics like beat poetry, philosophy, dumpster diving, politics, gay/lesbian issues- the kinds of things that really interest me-- I felt that I had to be self-censoring all the time to even be marginally accepted in the workplace. This level of alienation creates a constant feeling of anxiety and tension.
Monday, May 21, 2012
I Think I'm A Weirdo
Part of the social phobia that is undoubtedly a big part of my ergophobia is based on my deeply held inner belief that I am in fact a complete and total weirdo.
I have had this belief for as long as I can remember.
I remember feeling like a weirdo when I was too young to know what a weirdo even was. I have an early memory of being about 3 or 4 and feeling socially clueless with the little girl next door who was the same age as me. I remember we were sitting on a picnic bench in her back yard, and she had these pink rubber hair curlers that she wanted to put in my hair, and I clearly remember feeling like I was weird because I had no idea why she would even want to do such a thing, and I figured since I didn't have a clue about that, well, I must be weird then. I probably didn't even have the words for all that yet, but I very distinctly remember the feeling.
I remember being in the first grade, and the boys would chase the girls around the playground. I wanted to chase the girls around too, so I did, and then I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. So I went and hid behind the stairs. I then hid behind the stairs on a regular basis, because it was easier than trying to figure out how to act around other kids.
All my life I have felt that:
- Other people were interested in things that were totally different from my own interests, and vice versa.
- Most everyone else knew the unwritten social rules, and I didn't.
- My opinions, thoughts, and viewpoints are way different from other people's.
- If I tell people what I really think or feel, they will think that I am strange, weird, odd, different, etc.
- I need to carefully scan the social environment at all times so that I can act in ways that will keep me relatively safe and free from embarrassment and harm.
- There is no place where I really belong. Not even the fringe groups, subcultures, out-groups, etc.
I'm not sure where these beliefs came from. My parents seemed to basically accept me and love me for who I am. I did have some difficulty navigating school, but then again, I felt like I was different before I even started school.
As I have grown older, I have tried to look for more commonality with others. I have also consciously tried to create safe spaces for myself. Creating safe spaces for myself is a strategy that can backfire, however, because sometimes it leads to avoidance of any environments that I remotely feel could be uncomfortable or potentially rejecting in any way.
Paradoxically enough, some of my close friends have co-signed my belief that I am indeed very weird. Personally, I've known a lot of weird in my life, and honestly, truly, I think I am really quite mediocre in the weird department. So there.
I have had this belief for as long as I can remember.
I remember feeling like a weirdo when I was too young to know what a weirdo even was. I have an early memory of being about 3 or 4 and feeling socially clueless with the little girl next door who was the same age as me. I remember we were sitting on a picnic bench in her back yard, and she had these pink rubber hair curlers that she wanted to put in my hair, and I clearly remember feeling like I was weird because I had no idea why she would even want to do such a thing, and I figured since I didn't have a clue about that, well, I must be weird then. I probably didn't even have the words for all that yet, but I very distinctly remember the feeling.
I remember being in the first grade, and the boys would chase the girls around the playground. I wanted to chase the girls around too, so I did, and then I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. So I went and hid behind the stairs. I then hid behind the stairs on a regular basis, because it was easier than trying to figure out how to act around other kids.
All my life I have felt that:
- Other people were interested in things that were totally different from my own interests, and vice versa.
- Most everyone else knew the unwritten social rules, and I didn't.
- My opinions, thoughts, and viewpoints are way different from other people's.
- If I tell people what I really think or feel, they will think that I am strange, weird, odd, different, etc.
- I need to carefully scan the social environment at all times so that I can act in ways that will keep me relatively safe and free from embarrassment and harm.
- There is no place where I really belong. Not even the fringe groups, subcultures, out-groups, etc.
I'm not sure where these beliefs came from. My parents seemed to basically accept me and love me for who I am. I did have some difficulty navigating school, but then again, I felt like I was different before I even started school.
As I have grown older, I have tried to look for more commonality with others. I have also consciously tried to create safe spaces for myself. Creating safe spaces for myself is a strategy that can backfire, however, because sometimes it leads to avoidance of any environments that I remotely feel could be uncomfortable or potentially rejecting in any way.
Paradoxically enough, some of my close friends have co-signed my belief that I am indeed very weird. Personally, I've known a lot of weird in my life, and honestly, truly, I think I am really quite mediocre in the weird department. So there.
Swimming With Dolphins
One night several years ago (in between all the nightmares about being trapped in high rises, elevators, etc.), I had a dream that I actually enjoyed.
I dreamed that I was hired to swim around with the dolphins who were becoming unhappy in captivity at Disney World. I got to be an aquatic play therapist for dolphins.
I understood how the dolphins felt. I had felt unhappy in captivity myself for many years. So, the dolphins and I swam around together, and cavorted, and had a great time. I don't know how much this job paid, or how I happened to get it, but it seemed to make more sense than most of the other jobs I'd had.
I dreamed that I was hired to swim around with the dolphins who were becoming unhappy in captivity at Disney World. I got to be an aquatic play therapist for dolphins.
I understood how the dolphins felt. I had felt unhappy in captivity myself for many years. So, the dolphins and I swam around together, and cavorted, and had a great time. I don't know how much this job paid, or how I happened to get it, but it seemed to make more sense than most of the other jobs I'd had.
Collage of Fears
About a month ago I read a book entitled The PTSD Workbook. One of its suggestions was to make a collage depicting the things that you fear. I started collecting some of the pictures in a shoebox, but have not made a physical cut-and-paste type collage yet....so I'll do one here! I'll start it right now, and then come back and work on it more later.....
Thursday, May 17, 2012
If You See An Idiot
I googled some bizarre string of words this morning and ended up on a blog by somebody named Steve Pavlina. Apparently this guy has been a very popular blogger on topics related to self-help, self-improvement, personal mastery, your life's true purpose and all that sort of happy stuff. He also was arrested for grand theft and had a very messy divorce related to exploration of polyamory. But that's not the part that really interested me.
I'm going to paraphrase this, and go back and maybe find the exact quote later. Basically, what he said was that if you're out there in the world, and you see an idiot, you can ignore the idiot, leave, go in the other direction, etc. However, if you're in the corporate world, and you see an idiot, you say "Hi, Boss!!"
What a delightful, positive thought to start the day with!
I'm going to paraphrase this, and go back and maybe find the exact quote later. Basically, what he said was that if you're out there in the world, and you see an idiot, you can ignore the idiot, leave, go in the other direction, etc. However, if you're in the corporate world, and you see an idiot, you say "Hi, Boss!!"
What a delightful, positive thought to start the day with!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I Hate Resumes
I really can't stand resumes. For one thing, they're usually extremely boring, and the whole tone of them is usually somewhere between self-promoting and self-aggrandizing. In general, they make your boring career sound even more boring than it actually was, and they make you sound like a real asshat.
Recently someone looked at my resume and said it didn't sound very enthusiastic. That was a rather perceptive piece of feedback, because frankly, I don't feel enthusiastic about obtaining anything resembling the majority of my paid employment.
I also don't like the advice to be sure to include all your great achievements, and to quantify them if possible. Like what? I bore myself to even force myself to think of most of that.
Maybe sometime I will try to write a resume that is not a complete buzzkill. Something lively, entertaining and fun. Maybe I won't send it anywhere, but I like the idea of creating it.
Recently someone looked at my resume and said it didn't sound very enthusiastic. That was a rather perceptive piece of feedback, because frankly, I don't feel enthusiastic about obtaining anything resembling the majority of my paid employment.
I also don't like the advice to be sure to include all your great achievements, and to quantify them if possible. Like what? I bore myself to even force myself to think of most of that.
Maybe sometime I will try to write a resume that is not a complete buzzkill. Something lively, entertaining and fun. Maybe I won't send it anywhere, but I like the idea of creating it.
There Might Be Some Jobs I Might Like
Recently I've been trying to open my mind to the fact that there could possibly be some forms of paid work in the world that would not make me sick. Right now I am at the point where I am willing to believe that such workplaces might exist.
I have not yet convinced myself of the likelihood of: 1) finding these places, and 2) becoming employed by these places. I'm going to work on that.
Part of this process is for me to clearly identify what doesn't work/what to avoid, and then to determine what types of work might be suitable.
I'd like to break this down by types of business or organization to which I am attracted (or at the very least, not averse), conditions that absolutely cannot exist in a prospective workplace, and envision what I would like to see. I'm going to brainstorm these lists right now:
Environments I Might Like
Arts and crafts related
Organic foods/gardening
College/University
Alternative health: naturopath, acupuncture, etc
Pet related: Doggie daycare, dog walking, pet supplies, etc.
Social services/nonprofits
Hippie shop
Bookstore
Antique store
Deal-breakers & Unacceptable (for me) Working Conditions
Lots of office politics
High stress environment
Fast pace/many deadlines/time pressures
Micromanagement/critical supervision
Pressure to perform
Inflexible procedures
Excessive performance evaluation
Excessive work load
Lack of control over work
Call centers
Corporate cubicle farms
Any company that exploits workers (here or overseas)
Adversarial employee/management relations
Hierarchical organization
Constant monitoring
Lack of ability to take restroom breaks as needed
Discriminatory environment (sexism, racism, homophobia & other forms)
Cliqueish co-workers
Jerks and Dumbasses (occasional Bozo or Doofus OK)
What I'd Like To See
Collaborative organizational style
Respect for all
Fun, happy environment
Creativity
People are allowed to make a mistake/perfection is not expected
Everyone is valued
Diverse people
Atmosphere of ongoing learning
Low pressure
I have not yet convinced myself of the likelihood of: 1) finding these places, and 2) becoming employed by these places. I'm going to work on that.
Part of this process is for me to clearly identify what doesn't work/what to avoid, and then to determine what types of work might be suitable.
I'd like to break this down by types of business or organization to which I am attracted (or at the very least, not averse), conditions that absolutely cannot exist in a prospective workplace, and envision what I would like to see. I'm going to brainstorm these lists right now:
Environments I Might Like
Arts and crafts related
Organic foods/gardening
College/University
Alternative health: naturopath, acupuncture, etc
Pet related: Doggie daycare, dog walking, pet supplies, etc.
Social services/nonprofits
Hippie shop
Bookstore
Antique store
Deal-breakers & Unacceptable (for me) Working Conditions
Lots of office politics
High stress environment
Fast pace/many deadlines/time pressures
Micromanagement/critical supervision
Pressure to perform
Inflexible procedures
Excessive performance evaluation
Excessive work load
Lack of control over work
Call centers
Corporate cubicle farms
Any company that exploits workers (here or overseas)
Adversarial employee/management relations
Hierarchical organization
Constant monitoring
Lack of ability to take restroom breaks as needed
Discriminatory environment (sexism, racism, homophobia & other forms)
Cliqueish co-workers
Jerks and Dumbasses (occasional Bozo or Doofus OK)
What I'd Like To See
Collaborative organizational style
Respect for all
Fun, happy environment
Creativity
People are allowed to make a mistake/perfection is not expected
Everyone is valued
Diverse people
Atmosphere of ongoing learning
Low pressure
Saturday, May 5, 2012
I Liked Rehab Better Than My Job
Which would you prefer:
Going to your job every day for a month?
or
Going to a locked ward for alcohol/drug rehab for a month?
When I was in my 20's, I preferred the drug/alcohol treatment center to my daily working life. Not just once, but twice. I was working in a call center back then. At the time, I believed that being stoned or high made me better at my job, or at least happier.
I remember how sad and worried I felt when it was time to graduate from treatment and return to my real life. I liked rehab. We got to get up every morning and have a great breakfast together. Then we'd have classes about drugs and alcohol and their effects, therapy groups where everyone told fascinating stories and said all kinds of insightful things about life, and individual counseling sessions. My counselor was this big biker guy from San Francisco who really understood how I felt about things.
We also got to play pool (I was a pretty good pool player at the time, since I spent a lot of time in bars that had pool tables), gin rummy, and poker. I found most of my treatment center buddies to be very entertaining, interesting people. In the evenings we'd make popcorn, and we'd make little hors d'oeuvres out of the individually wrapped bologna and processed cheese slices that were provided in the hallway pantry refrigerators. We had movies to watch, too, like "Rocky" and "Grease".
It was nice of (name of major telecommunications company) to send me there twice. I'm not so sure most companies would be that understanding today.
I had this dawning awareness that your life shouldn't be something you want to escape. If you feel you need to be drunk or high to get through your day, then there's a problem.
I'm still clean and sober today, which is a good thing for me and everyone around me. Ironically enough, I still don't have the job thing figured out yet. It's a puzzle I want to solve. It's a scary challenge I want to overcome.
Going to your job every day for a month?
or
Going to a locked ward for alcohol/drug rehab for a month?
When I was in my 20's, I preferred the drug/alcohol treatment center to my daily working life. Not just once, but twice. I was working in a call center back then. At the time, I believed that being stoned or high made me better at my job, or at least happier.
I remember how sad and worried I felt when it was time to graduate from treatment and return to my real life. I liked rehab. We got to get up every morning and have a great breakfast together. Then we'd have classes about drugs and alcohol and their effects, therapy groups where everyone told fascinating stories and said all kinds of insightful things about life, and individual counseling sessions. My counselor was this big biker guy from San Francisco who really understood how I felt about things.
We also got to play pool (I was a pretty good pool player at the time, since I spent a lot of time in bars that had pool tables), gin rummy, and poker. I found most of my treatment center buddies to be very entertaining, interesting people. In the evenings we'd make popcorn, and we'd make little hors d'oeuvres out of the individually wrapped bologna and processed cheese slices that were provided in the hallway pantry refrigerators. We had movies to watch, too, like "Rocky" and "Grease".
It was nice of (name of major telecommunications company) to send me there twice. I'm not so sure most companies would be that understanding today.
I had this dawning awareness that your life shouldn't be something you want to escape. If you feel you need to be drunk or high to get through your day, then there's a problem.
I'm still clean and sober today, which is a good thing for me and everyone around me. Ironically enough, I still don't have the job thing figured out yet. It's a puzzle I want to solve. It's a scary challenge I want to overcome.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Herbal & Nutritional Supplements for Anxiety & Depression
I don't want to sound like a commercial, but I've found some herbal and nutritional supplements that are helping me with anxiety and depression.
First off, everything I've tried from the company WishGarden Herbs is fantastic. The stuff I use to help me relax for sleep is called Serious Relaxer. It has wood betony, valerian, hops, wild lettuce (a weed many of us have growing in our yards-aka lettuce opium-I saw some growing there today), and some other herbs. This stuff is amazing. It works for muscle stiffness as well as mental relaxation. I can't say enough for this product. The one I use in the daytime (2 or 3 droppers, twice a day) is called Emotional Ally. I've found it to be very effective. I also purchased the one called Deep Stress - the ingredients look very promising, so I'll soon find out how this one works for me also.
I take 8 fish oil capsules a day, which is reputed to aid with depression, although I started taking it for arthritis pain. It seems to be good for my hair and skin too.
Magnesium and calcium seem to be helping as well.
I take liquid B-12 when I need an energy boost.
My naturopath prescribed a supplement called Deproloft, an herbal/nutraceutical antidepressant. It's made by Thorne Research. It seems to be getting the job done during most of the day and evening. My worst symptoms happen when I first wake up, so recently I've tried to eat something right away, and then take the supplements ASAP. This morning I took the Emotional Ally liquid immediately upon awakening. The second most challenging time of the day is late evening, when I become something of an insomniac. That's when I do the Serious Relaxer.
I haven't had much luck with pharmaceutical antidepressants (most of them made me feel worse instead of better) and I am usually not particularly comfortable dealing with mainstream medicine, so I have gone the naturopathic route. I am fortunate to live near a major naturopathic college which offers excellent medical services at low fees.
First off, everything I've tried from the company WishGarden Herbs is fantastic. The stuff I use to help me relax for sleep is called Serious Relaxer. It has wood betony, valerian, hops, wild lettuce (a weed many of us have growing in our yards-aka lettuce opium-I saw some growing there today), and some other herbs. This stuff is amazing. It works for muscle stiffness as well as mental relaxation. I can't say enough for this product. The one I use in the daytime (2 or 3 droppers, twice a day) is called Emotional Ally. I've found it to be very effective. I also purchased the one called Deep Stress - the ingredients look very promising, so I'll soon find out how this one works for me also.
I take 8 fish oil capsules a day, which is reputed to aid with depression, although I started taking it for arthritis pain. It seems to be good for my hair and skin too.
Magnesium and calcium seem to be helping as well.
I take liquid B-12 when I need an energy boost.
My naturopath prescribed a supplement called Deproloft, an herbal/nutraceutical antidepressant. It's made by Thorne Research. It seems to be getting the job done during most of the day and evening. My worst symptoms happen when I first wake up, so recently I've tried to eat something right away, and then take the supplements ASAP. This morning I took the Emotional Ally liquid immediately upon awakening. The second most challenging time of the day is late evening, when I become something of an insomniac. That's when I do the Serious Relaxer.
I haven't had much luck with pharmaceutical antidepressants (most of them made me feel worse instead of better) and I am usually not particularly comfortable dealing with mainstream medicine, so I have gone the naturopathic route. I am fortunate to live near a major naturopathic college which offers excellent medical services at low fees.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Mean Bosses
I just ran across an article from "Fast Company" suggesting that "Being A Meaner Boss Will Help Your Company--And Make Your Employees Happy". What kind of weirdo would think that?
Here's the link to this depressing article: http://www.fastcompany.com/1830539/why-being-a-meaner-boss-will-help-your-company-and-make-employees-happy?partner=gnews&google_editors_picks=true
There was part of it that rang true, and that was the research concluding that disagreeable people attained greater success in the workplace (success meaning mainly that they make more money- not my definition of success, but many people in our society equate money and material things with success.)
Here's the link to this depressing article: http://www.fastcompany.com/1830539/why-being-a-meaner-boss-will-help-your-company-and-make-employees-happy?partner=gnews&google_editors_picks=true
There was part of it that rang true, and that was the research concluding that disagreeable people attained greater success in the workplace (success meaning mainly that they make more money- not my definition of success, but many people in our society equate money and material things with success.)
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A Job Where I Could Have Blue Hair
My friend Jamie has beautiful purple hair. It's almost the color of my house, only with slightly more magenta tones.
One day I was talking with Jamie, and I mentioned that I had sometimes considered dyeing my hair a cobalt blue color, or adding a few blue streaks. So Jamie gave me some blue hair dye for my birthday. That was two years ago, and the unopened box awaits me on my bedroom shelf.
Now, it just so happens that the time that Jamie gave me the blue hair dye was right around the time I was starting to get freaked out over the state of my bank savings. And of course, the reason that I was freaked out about my bank savings is that I am afraid to get a Job.
My brain is telling me that "They" (whoever "They" are) might not hire me if I'm older, or fat, or gay, or "overqualified", and "They" definitely won't hire me if I have blue hair! Never mind the fact that I probably won't have the guts to show up at these places anyway, and maybe I wouldn't like Them if I did.
So here is the conclusion I've come to: if I am going to get a Job, it needs to be a job that passes the Blue Hair Test. It should be a place where I could have blue hair. Whether I have blue hair or not.
The color of my hair is not the main issue, but it is a symptom of the problem. I just want to be able to freely be myself, and quit repressing myself, and not care what other people think of me.
One day I was talking with Jamie, and I mentioned that I had sometimes considered dyeing my hair a cobalt blue color, or adding a few blue streaks. So Jamie gave me some blue hair dye for my birthday. That was two years ago, and the unopened box awaits me on my bedroom shelf.
Now, it just so happens that the time that Jamie gave me the blue hair dye was right around the time I was starting to get freaked out over the state of my bank savings. And of course, the reason that I was freaked out about my bank savings is that I am afraid to get a Job.
My brain is telling me that "They" (whoever "They" are) might not hire me if I'm older, or fat, or gay, or "overqualified", and "They" definitely won't hire me if I have blue hair! Never mind the fact that I probably won't have the guts to show up at these places anyway, and maybe I wouldn't like Them if I did.
So here is the conclusion I've come to: if I am going to get a Job, it needs to be a job that passes the Blue Hair Test. It should be a place where I could have blue hair. Whether I have blue hair or not.
The color of my hair is not the main issue, but it is a symptom of the problem. I just want to be able to freely be myself, and quit repressing myself, and not care what other people think of me.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Eddie Owens Martin Couldn't Relate to Society
"I built this place to have something to identify with, 'cause there's nothing I see in this society that I identify with or desire to emulate." - Eddie Owens Martin, Artist, 1908-1986
Eddie Owens Martin (aka St. EOM) of Buena Vista, Georgia, a sharecropper's son with a 6th grade education, made a living as a fortune teller while building Pasaquan, the masterpiece outsider art installment in which he lived. He built his elaborate compound out of cinder blocks, cement, and various reclaimed materials, and painted it with mismixed Sherwin Williams paint from the local hardware store.
I want to go there someday. Here it is:
http://www.amazingsights.net/st-eom.html
Eddie Owens Martin (aka St. EOM) of Buena Vista, Georgia, a sharecropper's son with a 6th grade education, made a living as a fortune teller while building Pasaquan, the masterpiece outsider art installment in which he lived. He built his elaborate compound out of cinder blocks, cement, and various reclaimed materials, and painted it with mismixed Sherwin Williams paint from the local hardware store.
I want to go there someday. Here it is:
http://www.amazingsights.net/st-eom.html
Even Nice Dogs Get Insulted
In our society it is considered perfectly acceptable to make rude remarks about fat people. Lately while volunteering at the Humane Society, I've found that many people will also freely comment on fat dogs.
Yesterday I was in the kennel brushing a beautiful Shepherd mix named Sadie Lynn. A woman walked up and said "Isn't it terrible that anyone would let their dog get so fat?" Now, I happen to be fat myself, so perhaps it didn't occur to this woman that a comment like that might make me feel badly, too. In fact, I have a bigger percentage of weight over the accepted ideal than Sadie does!
"But I'm a good dog!"
I tell people who make these thoughtless remarks (and there have been several) that I walk and exercise Sadie frequently, and that Sadie is getting "in shape" (a phrase that implies that there is a certain kind of shape we should be...hmmm....) much faster than I am.
The other day I was about 25 feet away from a boy of about 7 who looked at Sadie Lynn and said "Look at that fat dog!"
To her credit, the boy's mom said, "Look, you hurt that poor dog's feelings! (Dogs are quite sensitive to human emotions and even if they don't understand all the words, they totally understand the tone of voice.)
And then the little boy said "I'm sorry, Doggie. You're a good Doggie." That moment improved my faith in humanity, at least a little bit anyway.
Dogs also get subjected to canine stereotyping/dog racism. One day I was walking a bully breed mix (probably Lab & Pit Bull) by the name of Sancho. He was the sweetest old dog you could ever hope to meet. One day I was walking Sancho back to his kennel, and Sancho flashed his famous smile at the people nearby, since Sancho loved all people and wanted them to know it. Some kids were delighted by him, and the mom noticed, and pulled the kids out of the way and said in a horrified tone, "Oh no, that's a Pit Bull! We don't want a Pit Bull." Sancho waited for months to be adopted even though he was the nicest dog in the place.
"I Iz a Labrador Retriever I Promises"
Yesterday I was in the kennel brushing a beautiful Shepherd mix named Sadie Lynn. A woman walked up and said "Isn't it terrible that anyone would let their dog get so fat?" Now, I happen to be fat myself, so perhaps it didn't occur to this woman that a comment like that might make me feel badly, too. In fact, I have a bigger percentage of weight over the accepted ideal than Sadie does!
I tell people who make these thoughtless remarks (and there have been several) that I walk and exercise Sadie frequently, and that Sadie is getting "in shape" (a phrase that implies that there is a certain kind of shape we should be...hmmm....) much faster than I am.
The other day I was about 25 feet away from a boy of about 7 who looked at Sadie Lynn and said "Look at that fat dog!"
To her credit, the boy's mom said, "Look, you hurt that poor dog's feelings! (Dogs are quite sensitive to human emotions and even if they don't understand all the words, they totally understand the tone of voice.)
And then the little boy said "I'm sorry, Doggie. You're a good Doggie." That moment improved my faith in humanity, at least a little bit anyway.
Dogs also get subjected to canine stereotyping/dog racism. One day I was walking a bully breed mix (probably Lab & Pit Bull) by the name of Sancho. He was the sweetest old dog you could ever hope to meet. One day I was walking Sancho back to his kennel, and Sancho flashed his famous smile at the people nearby, since Sancho loved all people and wanted them to know it. Some kids were delighted by him, and the mom noticed, and pulled the kids out of the way and said in a horrified tone, "Oh no, that's a Pit Bull! We don't want a Pit Bull." Sancho waited for months to be adopted even though he was the nicest dog in the place.
Allen Ginsberg Worked for an Ad Agency
Before writing Howl and before Beat Generation fame, poet Allen Ginsberg worked for an advertising agency for five years creating ad campaigns for toothpaste and other consumer products.
During this time he was seeing a psychiatrist for depression. His psychiatrist asked Ginsberg what he thought would make him happy. When Ginsberg told the psychiatrist that writing poetry made him happy, the psychiatrist said, "Go do that, then," and so he did. He quit his job at the ad agency and went to San Francisco. And the rest is history.
During this time he was seeing a psychiatrist for depression. His psychiatrist asked Ginsberg what he thought would make him happy. When Ginsberg told the psychiatrist that writing poetry made him happy, the psychiatrist said, "Go do that, then," and so he did. He quit his job at the ad agency and went to San Francisco. And the rest is history.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Bukowski Worked at the Post Office
"There will always be something to ruin our lives- it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken." -Charles Bukowski
The writer Charles Bukowski worked at the post office as a letter filing clerk for more than a decade. Before that, he worked in a pickle factory. In 1969 Bukowski accepted an offer from Black Sparrow Press publisher John Martin and quit his post office job to dedicate himself to full-time writing. He was then 49 years old. As he explained in a letter at the time, "I have one of two choices – stay in the post office and go crazy ... or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve."
I remember reading his book Factotum and thinking, this guy is a master at describing the banality, inanity, and desperation found in so many modern workplaces.
He also said "If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose."
I remember reading his book Factotum and thinking, this guy is a master at describing the banality, inanity, and desperation found in so many modern workplaces.
He also said "If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose."
I Want to be Happy in the Morning
Sometimes I am, shall we say, less than perceptive about the manifestations of my anxiety and depression. Like, after I left my last real job eight years ago, my life got much better. I started volunteering at the Emergency Food Program. I turned their weedy yard into a highly productive vegetable garden full of lettuce, cilantro, collard greens, kale, tomatoes, beans, corns, and squash. I was having the time of my life.
My relationship was great, my home life was good, I felt excited about what I was doing.
But I would still have constant bad dreams about the workplaces where I had been so miserable. And I would still wake up every morning with a sense of dread and impending doom.
I kind of shrugged it off, saying I'm just not a morning person. True enough. I like to stay up till about midnight every night, and I pretty much always have.
It has finally dawned on me that I shouldn't be waking up every morning with a sense of imminent disaster. And I have just now realized that perhaps the reason I feel this way every single morning is that maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind I think I'm getting up to get ready to go to Work (capital W "Work", as in Job, as in Office, as in Corporation), not work in the garden, or work around the house, or work on an art project, or volunteering. Work, that bad place where I used to have to go. Even though I haven't been there in eight years now!
So this could be the reason that I am more likely to be deeply depressed first thing in the morning than at any other time of the day. It's because my conscious mind takes a while to catch up to the fact that I'm not going anywhere bad that day, not if I can help it anyway.
My relationship was great, my home life was good, I felt excited about what I was doing.
But I would still have constant bad dreams about the workplaces where I had been so miserable. And I would still wake up every morning with a sense of dread and impending doom.
I kind of shrugged it off, saying I'm just not a morning person. True enough. I like to stay up till about midnight every night, and I pretty much always have.
It has finally dawned on me that I shouldn't be waking up every morning with a sense of imminent disaster. And I have just now realized that perhaps the reason I feel this way every single morning is that maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind I think I'm getting up to get ready to go to Work (capital W "Work", as in Job, as in Office, as in Corporation), not work in the garden, or work around the house, or work on an art project, or volunteering. Work, that bad place where I used to have to go. Even though I haven't been there in eight years now!
So this could be the reason that I am more likely to be deeply depressed first thing in the morning than at any other time of the day. It's because my conscious mind takes a while to catch up to the fact that I'm not going anywhere bad that day, not if I can help it anyway.
I'm RETIRED
Sometimes I wish my hair would hurry up and go grey so I could do a better job of looking RETIRED.
I wish I had more savings left, so I could just stay RETIRED.
I like Senior Discounts and using my AARP card because they make me feel so very RETIRED, the way I like to feel.
I wish I had more savings left, so I could just stay RETIRED.
I like Senior Discounts and using my AARP card because they make me feel so very RETIRED, the way I like to feel.
Dumb Spam from "Simply Hired"
I don't know how I got on the spamming list for "Simply Hired", but today I was brave enough to open the latest email they sent me. Their feature article of the day was
"Does Your Resume' Read Like an Obituary of Your Career?"
Hell yeah. It sure does!
"Does Your Resume' Read Like an Obituary of Your Career?"
Hell yeah. It sure does!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Anxiety Over Volunteering in an Office
I have been volunteering at an animal shelter for the past eight months, working directly with dogs. The shelter needed help in the office with data entry and telephone work, so I volunteered for this.
Now, keep in mind that I've been volunteering there for several months, and I walk past the office area every day that I'm there. It hadn't bothered me at all. I look forward to going to the shelter, and pretty much enjoy every minute I spend there. In fact, it's one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life.
The night before I was going to work in the office, I started feeling weird. I was thinking I wouldn't like it, and thinking that the people in the office probably wouldn't like me. I was worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to do the job anyway, and then maybe I wouldn't like volunteering at the shelter any more.
The next day, I woke up really early and paced around my house nervously. I was worried about every damn thing, whether my clothes were OK, whether I would be able to learn things and remember them, whether I would say the right things, etc., etc. I felt ridiculous about the silly things that I was obsessing about. I sure hoped nobody would notice how nervous I was.
Well, I've done this assignment twice now, for four hours at a stretch, and as far as I know, nothing went wrong. I even got complimented on my performance (I hate that word "performance" in relation to work. Maybe I should think of a different word.)
Yesterday at the shelter office, there a few things that gave me anxious feelings. First of all, the supervisor was wearing a suit to work that day. He usually doesn't, so perhaps he was going somewhere special that day. For all I know, it could have even been a funeral or something. Evidently business suits trigger anxiety in me.
Then, he wanted to introduce me to his boss, who works in a corner office. That made me feel ill at ease too. He seemed like a nice enough person.
This whole experience has made me very aware of my strong desire to be free from these specific types of anxiety, since they are obviously interfering with things I want to do.
Now, keep in mind that I've been volunteering there for several months, and I walk past the office area every day that I'm there. It hadn't bothered me at all. I look forward to going to the shelter, and pretty much enjoy every minute I spend there. In fact, it's one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life.
The night before I was going to work in the office, I started feeling weird. I was thinking I wouldn't like it, and thinking that the people in the office probably wouldn't like me. I was worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to do the job anyway, and then maybe I wouldn't like volunteering at the shelter any more.
The next day, I woke up really early and paced around my house nervously. I was worried about every damn thing, whether my clothes were OK, whether I would be able to learn things and remember them, whether I would say the right things, etc., etc. I felt ridiculous about the silly things that I was obsessing about. I sure hoped nobody would notice how nervous I was.
Well, I've done this assignment twice now, for four hours at a stretch, and as far as I know, nothing went wrong. I even got complimented on my performance (I hate that word "performance" in relation to work. Maybe I should think of a different word.)
Yesterday at the shelter office, there a few things that gave me anxious feelings. First of all, the supervisor was wearing a suit to work that day. He usually doesn't, so perhaps he was going somewhere special that day. For all I know, it could have even been a funeral or something. Evidently business suits trigger anxiety in me.
Then, he wanted to introduce me to his boss, who works in a corner office. That made me feel ill at ease too. He seemed like a nice enough person.
This whole experience has made me very aware of my strong desire to be free from these specific types of anxiety, since they are obviously interfering with things I want to do.
Trying to Figure Out Exactly What the Problem Is
I'm actually a very industrious person. I thought about trying to become a slacker, but I didn't feel I was very good at it. It's possible some slacker-type jobs might work for me- I'd have to identify what they are and find out about them. There must be some video store jobs left.
Interestingly enough, there is a clothing company called Ergophobia. They sell clothes for skaters and surfers. (There's that slacker image again.)
I think my fear is not connected to all types of work, but specific types of work, and in particular, certain types of work environments. The other part of the fear seems to relate to certain types of interpersonal interactions.
I am seriously phobic about office work and office-type environments, especially high-rise buildings. The picture you see above is making me feel queasy.
I've been in clinics and medical buildings with several floors, and they don't usually bother me. I've never worked in one, so maybe this is why.
High-rise hotels are a little weird for me, because of business travel associations. Ditto for airports.
Interestingly enough, there is a clothing company called Ergophobia. They sell clothes for skaters and surfers. (There's that slacker image again.)
I think my fear is not connected to all types of work, but specific types of work, and in particular, certain types of work environments. The other part of the fear seems to relate to certain types of interpersonal interactions.
I've been in clinics and medical buildings with several floors, and they don't usually bother me. I've never worked in one, so maybe this is why.
High-rise hotels are a little weird for me, because of business travel associations. Ditto for airports.
Work or Volunteer Positions That I Liked
Looking back over my life, were there any types of work (paid or unpaid), that I mostly enjoyed? Here's the list:
- Working for two underground/alternative newspapers in the 70's- I wrote articles and poetry, and did layout/pasteup
- Cleaning hotel rooms. I liked the fact that I could think about whatever I wanted to while I was working, and it was good exercise.
- Being a Resource Assistant at the Women's Studies Union at the University when I was 18.
The next one is 30 years later....
- Volunteering at the Emergency Food Program. I planted and maintained the vegetable garden to provide produce for people in need.
And then.....
-Volunteering at the Humane Society. They let me hang out with the animals any time I want. I'm there about 3 or 4 days each week. Sometimes even more.
I also like to proofread term papers and essays for my friend who is from Japan; she's in an MFA program, and the papers she writes are fascinating: art history, comparative cultures, social issues, and other interesting topics.
- Working for two underground/alternative newspapers in the 70's- I wrote articles and poetry, and did layout/pasteup
- Cleaning hotel rooms. I liked the fact that I could think about whatever I wanted to while I was working, and it was good exercise.
- Being a Resource Assistant at the Women's Studies Union at the University when I was 18.
The next one is 30 years later....
- Volunteering at the Emergency Food Program. I planted and maintained the vegetable garden to provide produce for people in need.
And then.....
-Volunteering at the Humane Society. They let me hang out with the animals any time I want. I'm there about 3 or 4 days each week. Sometimes even more.
I'm not afraid of dogs.
I also like to proofread term papers and essays for my friend who is from Japan; she's in an MFA program, and the papers she writes are fascinating: art history, comparative cultures, social issues, and other interesting topics.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I Miss My Old Friends
Over the course of the huge bummer that was my career, I met some people I really liked. It's too bad that I associate these people with jobs and work, because that means it's highly unlikely I will ever seek them out. I'm kind of shy and socially avoidant anyway, so seeking out anybody is kind of challenging, but if the people happen to be former co-workers, chances are it won't be happening. This makes me feel sad. Maybe someday.
One of my favorite co-workers committed suicide. He had a great sense of the absurd, and his outrageous sense of humor helped me get through my five years in one particular call center. He was a good friend, and we would commiserate about how much we couldn't stand all the shit we had to put up with around that place. When I was working in that call center, I hated it so much, that I often considered driving my car off this particular bend in the river, because I thought it would look like an accident. But I couldn't do that to my son, my parents, or the rest of my family and friends.
Sometimes I Google the names of some of my old co-workers. I wonder how they're doing and if they're happy. I remember the cool lady who bought old Barbie dolls at the Goodwill and turned them into Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, and Tina Turner. There was a gal who drove race cars who was absolutely brilliant and one of the most original people I ever met. There was the marketing guy who wanted to be an artist- he actually did this- he's down in Mexico painting & having a groovy life, and I know this from Google.
The yucky nonprofit I worked for was in a sick building. It was built over a parking garage, so all the carbon monoxide fumes would circulate in the air system. People would get mysterious illnesses and get sick and die. People had fibromyalgia, aches and pains, cancer, heart problems, and worsening of existing medical conditions. My supervisor there (the nice one) died. There were at least two cases of brain cancer, and at least two cases of lung cancer and breast cancer- several of these people were my friends. One was the Union steward who organized the Union there; she died of lung cancer and she had never even smoked. The Union was having the air tested because many people were growing concerned about the sick building syndrome there. I don't know what the final outcome of that was, because I left.
One of my favorite co-workers committed suicide. He had a great sense of the absurd, and his outrageous sense of humor helped me get through my five years in one particular call center. He was a good friend, and we would commiserate about how much we couldn't stand all the shit we had to put up with around that place. When I was working in that call center, I hated it so much, that I often considered driving my car off this particular bend in the river, because I thought it would look like an accident. But I couldn't do that to my son, my parents, or the rest of my family and friends.
Sometimes I Google the names of some of my old co-workers. I wonder how they're doing and if they're happy. I remember the cool lady who bought old Barbie dolls at the Goodwill and turned them into Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Cher, and Tina Turner. There was a gal who drove race cars who was absolutely brilliant and one of the most original people I ever met. There was the marketing guy who wanted to be an artist- he actually did this- he's down in Mexico painting & having a groovy life, and I know this from Google.
The yucky nonprofit I worked for was in a sick building. It was built over a parking garage, so all the carbon monoxide fumes would circulate in the air system. People would get mysterious illnesses and get sick and die. People had fibromyalgia, aches and pains, cancer, heart problems, and worsening of existing medical conditions. My supervisor there (the nice one) died. There were at least two cases of brain cancer, and at least two cases of lung cancer and breast cancer- several of these people were my friends. One was the Union steward who organized the Union there; she died of lung cancer and she had never even smoked. The Union was having the air tested because many people were growing concerned about the sick building syndrome there. I don't know what the final outcome of that was, because I left.
I Got Rid of Everything That Reminded Me of Jobs
I quit working for the hierarchical nonprofit corporation in 2004. I sold my house in a middle class neighborhood and bought a little tiny house with a huge yard on a blue-collar street full of potholes that looks like it should be out in the country somewhere. I wanted to be an urban farmer because vegetable gardening and chickens make me happy. I was going to have a new life.
I got rid of all my office clothes. I got rid of day planners and briefcases. I tossed all the "motivational" books like "Who Moved My Cheese?" I even divested myself of all the textbooks I studied while pursuing my BS in Management (the story of that degree is one I'll tell another time).
One time there was a guy fixing my washing machine, and he saw the world globe I had in the basement, and he commented that he wanted to get one for his kids. Naturally, since it had a little plaque affixed to it congratulating me on my 15 years of service, I was more than happy to let him take away that globe. I hope that he and his kids enjoyed it.
I had kept a huge cache of mementos from all my various work assignments, classes, seminars, and projects. One day I went through it all so I could recycle it. Some of it was rather poignant- there was a time that I worked in HR at that telecommunications company, and I was asked to give my analysis to upper management of what would help morale during all the massive downsizing, and I actually told them what I thought. None of my suggestions were implemented. I guess they went in the garbage, too.
For several years after that, I would get symptoms of anxiety when I saw objects that reminded me of offices: office-type desks, office chairs, calendars, planners, filing cabinets, etc. For some reason computers were exempt- maybe I had enough recreational associations with computers to make them seem benign or even friendly. I am just now getting to the point where that stuff doesn't bother me as much. I could probably go to a Staples or Office Depot store now. I'm pretty sure I could.
I got rid of all my office clothes. I got rid of day planners and briefcases. I tossed all the "motivational" books like "Who Moved My Cheese?" I even divested myself of all the textbooks I studied while pursuing my BS in Management (the story of that degree is one I'll tell another time).
One time there was a guy fixing my washing machine, and he saw the world globe I had in the basement, and he commented that he wanted to get one for his kids. Naturally, since it had a little plaque affixed to it congratulating me on my 15 years of service, I was more than happy to let him take away that globe. I hope that he and his kids enjoyed it.
I had kept a huge cache of mementos from all my various work assignments, classes, seminars, and projects. One day I went through it all so I could recycle it. Some of it was rather poignant- there was a time that I worked in HR at that telecommunications company, and I was asked to give my analysis to upper management of what would help morale during all the massive downsizing, and I actually told them what I thought. None of my suggestions were implemented. I guess they went in the garbage, too.
For several years after that, I would get symptoms of anxiety when I saw objects that reminded me of offices: office-type desks, office chairs, calendars, planners, filing cabinets, etc. For some reason computers were exempt- maybe I had enough recreational associations with computers to make them seem benign or even friendly. I am just now getting to the point where that stuff doesn't bother me as much. I could probably go to a Staples or Office Depot store now. I'm pretty sure I could.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Ergophobia Defined
From Wikipedia:
Ergophobia also called Ergasiophobia, is an abnormal and persistent fear (or phobia) of work, finding work or functioning, ergophobia may also be a subset of either social phobia or performance anxiety. Sufferers of ergophobia experience undue anxiety about the workplace environment even though they realize their fear is irrational. Their fear may actually be a combination of fears, such fear of failing at assigned tasks, fear of speaking before groups at work (both of which are types of performance anxiety), or fear of socializing with co-workers (a type of social phobia).
"Ergophobia" is derived from the Greek "ergon" (work) and "phobos" (fear). "Ergo" is also used to form other English words, including "ergometer" (a device that measures the amount of work done by muscles) and "ergonomics" (an applied science that designs interfaces and working environments with the aim of maximizing functionality and improving worker comfort).
Ergophobia also called Ergasiophobia, is an abnormal and persistent fear (or phobia) of work, finding work or functioning, ergophobia may also be a subset of either social phobia or performance anxiety. Sufferers of ergophobia experience undue anxiety about the workplace environment even though they realize their fear is irrational. Their fear may actually be a combination of fears, such fear of failing at assigned tasks, fear of speaking before groups at work (both of which are types of performance anxiety), or fear of socializing with co-workers (a type of social phobia).
"Ergophobia" is derived from the Greek "ergon" (work) and "phobos" (fear). "Ergo" is also used to form other English words, including "ergometer" (a device that measures the amount of work done by muscles) and "ergonomics" (an applied science that designs interfaces and working environments with the aim of maximizing functionality and improving worker comfort).
Source
Description above from the Wikipedia article Ergophobia, licensed under CC-BY-SA full list of contributors here. Community Pages are not affiliated with, or endorsed by, anyone associated with the topic.
Workplace Phobia Articles, Research
There's a Wikipedia entry on Workplace Phobia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Workplace_phobia
In 2009, German researchers B. Muschalla and M. Linden published a study on Workplace Phobia entitled "Workplace phobia--a first explorative study on its relation to established anxiety disorders, sick leave, and work-directed treatment." Here's one link to it: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19844838
And, an article in the UK Telegraph (mentions one of the same German researchers, Michael Linden):http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1561309/Work-phobia-an-anxiety-disorder-not-laziness.html
Here's a better link to the PDF of the article from Beate Muschalla from the German Journal of Psychiatry:http://www.gjpsy.uni-goettingen.de/gjp-article-muschalla.pdf
And here's one from allaboutcounseling.com: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/library/workplace-phobia/
This amused me- From Wikipedia, a list of "Aspects of Workplaces" (look 'em all up when you have the time!) Wow, I can relate to a lot of these....
In 2009, German researchers B. Muschalla and M. Linden published a study on Workplace Phobia entitled "Workplace phobia--a first explorative study on its relation to established anxiety disorders, sick leave, and work-directed treatment." Here's one link to it: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19844838
And, an article in the UK Telegraph (mentions one of the same German researchers, Michael Linden):http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1561309/Work-phobia-an-anxiety-disorder-not-laziness.html
Here's a better link to the PDF of the article from Beate Muschalla from the German Journal of Psychiatry:http://www.gjpsy.uni-goettingen.de/gjp-article-muschalla.pdf
And here's one from allaboutcounseling.com: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/library/workplace-phobia/
This amused me- From Wikipedia, a list of "Aspects of Workplaces" (look 'em all up when you have the time!) Wow, I can relate to a lot of these....
- Absenteeism
- Aggression
- Bullying
- Conflict
- Control freak
- Counterproductive behavior
- Coworker backstabbing
- Cyber-aggression
- Democracy
- Deviance
- Discrimination
- Diversity
- Emotion
- Employee silence
- Employee surveys
- Empowerment
- Evaluation
- Feminisation
- Friendship
- Gender inequality
- Gossip
- Happiness
- Harassment
- Health surveillance
- Humor
- Incivility
- Intervention
- Jargon
- Listening
- Micromanagement
- Mobbing
- Morale
- Office politics
- Performance appraisal
- Phobia
- Privacy
- Probation
- Profanity
- Queen bee syndrome
- Relationships
- Revenge
- Romance
- Sabotage
- Safety
- Spirituality
- Staff turnover
- Strategy
- Stress
- Surveillance
- Toxic workplace
- Training
- Violence
- Wellness
Just for fun, let's find the Wikipedia link for "Toxic Workplace": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxic_workplace
I Dream of Elevators and Collapsing Office Buildings
I'm a mellow sort of person who loves gardening, animals, gourmet cooking, and the Grateful Dead. I love to visit art galleries, plant nurseries, and the library. I make art out of found objects. I'm basically an old hippie.
Why can't I have dreams about things I enjoy? Why can't the bad dreams stop? I have them just about every night. It's like a curse.
I dream about being lost in big gray high rise office buildings. The building's on fire and I can't escape. Alarms going off. Walls and ceilings caving in. Being trapped in elevators, stuck, going nowhere.
Sometimes the dreams aren't quite that bad. Maybe I'm leaving the job and packing my stuff in cardboard boxes. Every time I think I've finished, and the boxes are ready to go, then more stuff appears in the desk drawers. So I pack it up. Then I check the drawers again- more stuff. The office fills up every time I empty it. And I have to get it all boxed up, or I can't leave.
Often I dream that I can't find my way out of the office building. It becomes a surreal labyrinth with multiple corridors and hallways. I get lost in it. Wandering around lost.
I have an idea. I'm going to make a dream catcher out of the vines and twigs in my yard. I'll make the dream catcher from the healing herbs and the sacred trees, and I will ask to go to a good place at night in my sleep, not the bad places any more.
Why can't I have dreams about things I enjoy? Why can't the bad dreams stop? I have them just about every night. It's like a curse.
I dream about being lost in big gray high rise office buildings. The building's on fire and I can't escape. Alarms going off. Walls and ceilings caving in. Being trapped in elevators, stuck, going nowhere.
Sometimes the dreams aren't quite that bad. Maybe I'm leaving the job and packing my stuff in cardboard boxes. Every time I think I've finished, and the boxes are ready to go, then more stuff appears in the desk drawers. So I pack it up. Then I check the drawers again- more stuff. The office fills up every time I empty it. And I have to get it all boxed up, or I can't leave.
Often I dream that I can't find my way out of the office building. It becomes a surreal labyrinth with multiple corridors and hallways. I get lost in it. Wandering around lost.
I have an idea. I'm going to make a dream catcher out of the vines and twigs in my yard. I'll make the dream catcher from the healing herbs and the sacred trees, and I will ask to go to a good place at night in my sleep, not the bad places any more.
HR: Telling People That They're Out of a Job
I gravitated towards the "human" aspect of business: Human Resources, formerly known as Personnel. It seemed that people who worked in HR were helpful, kind souls who would help people decipher their company benefits, help them access training and education, and help them apply for jobs within the company. It seemed like a good direction for me.
Well, to my great dismay, my company then went into the downsizing mode, or as they euphemistically called it, "right-sizing". Getting rid of people. Getting rid of the "fat" and the "dead weight". "Doing more with less" was the motto.
My job turned into a nightmare of telling people they no longer had a job. I had to attempt to help people cope with overwhelming levels of fear and stress. Every day was another day of referring people to the EAP (Employee Assistance Plan), escorting people to the hospital emergency room, getting people into alcohol and drug treatment, calling security when someone was flipping out in the office, etc., etc. The fear and stress became a part of me.
We were told that we were expected to present the company changes and downsizing in a positive light. I couldn't really do that. That would have been a lie. I tried to subtly express with my facial expressions and my voice inflections that I thought it was a mess and an outrage. I believed that then, and I will believe that always.
Well, to my great dismay, my company then went into the downsizing mode, or as they euphemistically called it, "right-sizing". Getting rid of people. Getting rid of the "fat" and the "dead weight". "Doing more with less" was the motto.
My job turned into a nightmare of telling people they no longer had a job. I had to attempt to help people cope with overwhelming levels of fear and stress. Every day was another day of referring people to the EAP (Employee Assistance Plan), escorting people to the hospital emergency room, getting people into alcohol and drug treatment, calling security when someone was flipping out in the office, etc., etc. The fear and stress became a part of me.
We were told that we were expected to present the company changes and downsizing in a positive light. I couldn't really do that. That would have been a lie. I tried to subtly express with my facial expressions and my voice inflections that I thought it was a mess and an outrage. I believed that then, and I will believe that always.
"Isn't He Dead Yet?"
When I was supervising call center employees at the company we called U. S. Worst, upper management was obsessed with cost control at any cost. As supervisors, we were expected to do anything and everything to reduce costs, including following employees into the bathroom to find out what was taking them so long. We advised our agents to answer with a one-syllable name to reduce call time. We had a light switch in the center of the room that each person would turn on and off when they went to the bathroom and returned, to ensure that only one person could be using the toilets at a time. The place was really obsessed with toilets and employees' bathroom habits.
I especially dreaded meeting with my boss to go over the reports of employee absence, illness, and disability. There was a long-term employee, a really nice guy, who had been living with HIV for a number of years. I'll never forget when my boss was scanning the disability reports, and when she got to this person's name, she said in an irritated tone of voice, "Isn't he dead yet?"
I especially dreaded meeting with my boss to go over the reports of employee absence, illness, and disability. There was a long-term employee, a really nice guy, who had been living with HIV for a number of years. I'll never forget when my boss was scanning the disability reports, and when she got to this person's name, she said in an irritated tone of voice, "Isn't he dead yet?"
The Bombs Exploding in the Lobby Sounded Real...
...but it was a large screen TV showing the bombing of Baghdad in the middle of the lobby of our corporate high-rise building. I had to walk past this horrific display each day in order to get to the elevator to get to my office.
My son was serving in Iraq at the time.
I was having frequent anxiety attacks. I found it hard to walk two blocks to the Starbucks because I would have weird dizzy spells where it felt like my head was floating above my body, and I couldn't tell how far I was from the sidewalk, or if my feet were firmly on the ground. I was afraid of passing out on the street. I started using a cane because it made me feel more stable when I was walking during dizzy spells and panic attacks.
My son was serving in Iraq at the time.
I was having frequent anxiety attacks. I found it hard to walk two blocks to the Starbucks because I would have weird dizzy spells where it felt like my head was floating above my body, and I couldn't tell how far I was from the sidewalk, or if my feet were firmly on the ground. I was afraid of passing out on the street. I started using a cane because it made me feel more stable when I was walking during dizzy spells and panic attacks.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I Hoped That a Nonprofit Would Be Better
There was a great deal of hierarchy at (name of nonprofit corporation deleted). I expected a nonprofit to have a more progressive atmosphere, but this was not the case. There was a lot of emphasis placed on rank and one’s place in the organizational structure. A distinction was made between “professional” staff and “support” staff. If you were “support” staff, as I was during all but the last six months of my five years there, then you were pretty much a non-entity, and expected to cater to whatever the higher-ups wanted- errands, coffee, etc. I felt ashamed that I had spent all those years going to college part-time while working full time and raising my son, and then ended up unable to work at a respectable salaried position. I had to constantly tell myself I had worth as a person, because my environment was certainly not telling me this.
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